My Life Has Suddenly Become So Empty. It Was Empty Before, But I Didn't Feel It. Now I Feel It.

I cant bring myself to do anything. I have so much to do, but I don't do anything. It feels like I'm incapable of everything. I just want to not exist anymore. Just not be.

It's literally been minutes and I can feel her changing in my head. Her form shifting. She is telling me more about her ed, but im froze, I'm crying, I just felt like I lost a friend in a single moment and it's even more unfair to her.

NOOOO!!! A GIRL IVE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH OVER THE MONTHS JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS AN ED. NOW MY BRAIN WILL AUTOMATICALLY START SEEING HER AS COMPETITION, START HYPERANALYZING EVERYTHING I AND SHE DO AND SAY AND ITLL START TO SPITE HER FOR BEING SKINNIER THAN ME.

Do I actually like him or do I wish someone would make me feel literally anyhting else else other than sonder, hopelessness , anger, dispear, misery or just emptiness??

I guess we'll never know.

So hard to choose eating well so that my mind could actually focus over starving and romanticizing my misery.

But since I'll binge when I do the latter I'll be fat and disgusting either way.

I feel like i need a change of environment. I love my mother, I like my room, it's lovely, spacious but still comfy, I like playing games with my parents once in a while, watching movies with my dad on weekend nights whenever I have the mental energy (I wish I had it more of the time), I love my pets, I like walking in my area, even when I have an absolutely horrible person living in the same house the other aspects are still so lovely.

But whenever I get home from school im just miserable. And I feel like I become the worst version (atleast one of em lol) when I'm miserable in this place. I need out and even tho I don't wanna leave in any way, I feel trapped. And sadly, genuinely extremely unfortunately, killing myself isn't an option.

Living alone is a fantasy for sure. I would barely buy food since I don't want to waste money and I don't deserve nor need it, but I would take my treadmill and dumbells with me so I can exercise the thoughts of hunger away. I could also cut and cry without worrying about being caught, to try to cope with my constant feeling of misery.

Multiple people mentioned that I've lost weight today hihi

Where can I find a man like that lol??

Many hours

The fact that I can never have him. That I will never be even able to be loose acquaintances with him. It hurts so much. It's so unfair. I've never felt the need for someone like I feel the need for him.

My mom said, "Does anybody else in the world know it's your birthday?". And like yeah she didn't mean to upset me when she said that, it was rather a half sympathetic thinking out loud. But go damn that hit hard