Is This What Happiness Feels Like? Its Been So Long, I Cant Quite Remember...

I went back because "i missed them". What i really went back for was to see if it was the same without me. I just wanted to see if they were the same without me. Not surprisingly, they were better without me. It also made me realize i was also better without them. Its wierd how just one person can change things so much. I love them, and i know they love me, but we were never made for each other. It really sucks, but its unfortunately true.

I just keep thinking about that kiss... i keep thinkung about how much i want to just run up to him and kiss him. I just want to be with him, which only proves that im a psychopath. He played me before, hes not good for me. This isnt healthy. But, something that feels so good cant possibly be bad, right?

I said it would be fine. That i was okay just being your friend... until you told me that you love her and that you would wait for her. You once said that to me, and now you dont even think about what we once had, because to you, that was nothing. I knew i was just your rebound, but i just wanted to know what it was like. I was in it for the rush, that high you get. But little did i know there would be such a dark fall after. Were good. Weve both moved on. But, still i go back to us holding hands in the movie theatre, telling me you love me. Well, not really. You went back to her a few weeks later. Youre chasing someone who doesnt love you, and im chasing you, who doesnt love me. What made me this messed up that i dont look at the people who love me but only think about the one who doesnt? Because whats not healthy for you always has the best high, and once youve had a taste, youre hooked.

This guy told me the other day, "i think im gonna be depressed today" as if you can choose it. He doesnt know the first thing about it, because if he did, he would know that it chooses you.

- i really wish it was a choice

Leaving everything i love and know was honestly the best desision i ever made in my life.

Im screaming on the inside, and you dont care.

it shouldn't be this hard... right?

I'm remembering shit I dont want to, and I'm feeling shit I dont want to.

This is exactly how I feel, not gonna lie

there’s suicidal as in ‘i want to die’ and there’s the kind of suicidal where your heart skips a beat and if there was a gun in your hand you’d pull the trigger because it only takes being certain, being brave, for a moment, and it can all be over. there’s no real sadness or fear, there is only numb, empty longing for your consciousness to cease to exist. that’s how i feel. i died a long time ago, i’m just looking for a way to help my body catch up

I wanna be with someone who understands my scars. Someone who wont try to change them, but understands why. I need someone whos equally or more fucked up than me.