At Home And At My Sister's Apartment, I Never Have Any Style🌻🐢🕶 I Got These Sunglasses At Target

It's raining and I'm in such a good mood rn

Yasssss

It's raininggg

I'm aliveee

Aaaaaaa!!!!!!

Gonna be returned to the hellhole that is high school next Monday but before then, Imma get a pixie cut this weekend.

Short hair and whatever pride stuff I can find for MAXIMUM GAY🏳️‍🌈

Medibang paint is pretty good actually.

New oc, maybe?

One handsome boy was waiting for me to get home today😊

I'm love him?

My sister had already started making dinner when I said: we should go buy some rice!

Now, I was only being 79% serious so I didn't expect her bf/father of my nephew to agree.

Now, publix is supposed to close at 9 so buying a (I think) ten(?) Or something pound bag of rice at almost 9:30 was kindave an adventure.

Bonus: me and him ended up talking about chick tracts, video/and tabletop rpg games. Why? Because we can.

Oh, and I'll be making a ton of rice dishes in the coming weeks sooooo, fun for me!!

I swear I'm trying to change whatever's wrong with me.

It gets hard when the happier I am the less ok I feel.

When the more I let myself hug my friends the more being touched makes me want to hurl.

The more I care about everyone else, the less I care about myself.

The less I let them hate themselves the more I hate myself.

I try to work outside in but It feels more like turning myself inside out.

Why is it so hard for me to like myself half as much as I love everyone else?

Why is it so difficult to care about myself yet so easy to take care of everyone else?

Why do I feel like I'm giving myself away

Why do I feel like they hate me

Why do I feel so hopeless

Why do I feel so lost

Why can't I feel anything...?

Please, for the love of god, let me smile and breathe at the same time

Let me actually feel all those emotions I was promised

Someone make me less selfish.

I'm lying.

To you,

To myself,

Maybe everybody...

What if I'm lying to myself?

What if everything I am isn't true?

What if I'm just acting?

What if I don't really love you?

What if it doesn't matter-

How badly I want to?

What if I'm a liar?

And don't even belong here?

What if I'm wrong?

And have been tricking everyone?

What if I've been manipulative?

And stringing everyone along?

What if all that I am-

Isn't even real?

What if I'm just fooling you?

And that isn't how I feel?

What if I've been grasping-

At something that isn't there?

What if I've been faking?

And I don't really care?

Cause zoning out

And talking loud

Are all that seems to fit.

What if that's why being gay

And being scared

And being nice

And being aware

And trying to be kind

Never really made sense

When I'm just going to die.

And I thought writing this would

Make me feel a little better

But inside it feels like peeling off

Almost every layer

And finding nothing inside

Of me

But a skeleton, blood, and guts

What if I'm just a liar?

And that's all I ever was?

Because I can't do this by my own renown

And saying I'm not gay

Feels like I'm letting myself down.

Feels like greeting a stranger.

Feels like the opposite

Of letting everyone I care about

D

O

W

N.

And what if that's who I should be?

What's if unlike me-

That's who they should see!

Perfect

Perfect

Perfect

Don't let anybody down-

You have to hate yourself to be happy!

While just wearing a frown

I feel myself getting down

From this pedestal I built

Maybe this-

A liar

A fake

A disappointment

A mistake

What if...

What if that's all that I can hope to me?

I just hope I won't get worse.

I'm making tuna casserole!!!

Update: it's not going great...

This post claims to have 1 note but I'm pretty sure me posting it doesn't count. 🙃🐢🙃🐢

Encyclopedias

Of random/oddly specific topics: do they exist and where can I get them. Seriously, I want.

I want encyclopedias/books of/about:

-plants (specifically succulents, cacti, and sunflowers)

-animals (rabbits, cats, frogs, turtles, sheep, goats, snakes, and bees)

-clothes/fashion/trends (fuck me up with that character design material)

-art (just a fucking book about art history and shit because I fucking want one)

I just- I have some things I wanna learn about and they happen to be very strange and specific, ok.

Sometimes I think back to -arguably- my most prestigious accomplishment: Being a creative writer in Piccolo Spoleto:Rising Stars.

And I think: why the ever-fuckity-fuck did I think those poems were good???

I was so stiff and awkward, it was terribleeee

But, you know what, if I were to get he chance to do it again, I would.

But I wouldn't read poems about love (for... reasons)-oh no!- I'd write some poems about anger, or sadness, or something stupid and meaningless! Because this are the things I should write about.

Looking back though, performing was such an insane experience that is do again in a heart beat.