Crazzyyyramblings - Crazy

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

I think there's a misconception surrounding depression that it's the same as sadness, however I don't think that's it. I'm here laying awake at 5 am after waking up for no reason at 3:30, and I want to die even though I don't feel particularly sad in fact, I'm pretty sure I don't feel anything at all. I feel sad often, right now I don't. But I still think that I don't want to continue living anymore.

tryna >:3 my way into getting other trans dudes to dominate me

You are a fever I am learning to live with, 

Richard Siken, Crush; from ‘Straw House, Straw Dog’

not actually alive, just a corpse walking in a suit of flesh

⚠️vent⚠️

It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.

I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.

When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.

I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.

I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.

As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.

I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.

feeling unwanted ruins my whole fucking day

There is something undeniably romantic about touching someone. Your fingers brushing against their bare skin, the pulse of heartbeat beating in tune to yours, the muted warm of life in them, pressed up against you. For a moment, for the slightest of split-seconds, your souls are perfectly in sync

I’m other news, I just accidentally touched my crush’s hand and I immediately started blushing and stammering