Could We Have Some Alt!Charlie X Alt!Phantasmo??

Hewwo! Did you know that today is autism awareness day? Could we have some headcanons for a autistic darling with Phantasmo??? Pretty please?🥺

Ohohoho~! I’m not only going to give you some headcanons of an autistic reader with Phantasmo: i am also going to give you some autistic Phantasmo headcanons!

Why? Because i headcanon Phantasmo as an autistic person (or ghost in his case) or at least autistic-coded:

Some (undiagnosed) autistic Phantasmo headcanons with an autistic darling:

Phantasmo may think you’re a little “exotic” at first but impressively he quickly becomes way more attached to you than he would with others that are neurotypical (i think that’s how you call people who are not in the autistic spectrum…? I dunno, please correct me if I’m wrong!)

He just thinks you are really something else and kind of funny in a way? Like: you amuse him with, well, being yourself! (But with more flavor and being blunt way too transparent!)

He sometimes see himself in you and he can’t quite explain why… T-oby then suggests that his dad should take a test (and be diagnosed) to see if he wasn’t also autistic… needless to say: Phantasmo finds the idea way too ridiculous, i mean, he? Being AUTISTIC? No… he possibly can’t be! (Context: Phantasmo comes from a century where being autistic wasn’t seen as a good thing nor a “normal” one… people from Phantasmo’s time would ridicule openly people with any disability and even harass or do worse with them… that’s why Phantasmo/Victor doesn’t want to believe a person/ghost like him would be considered… “”defective”” (i am using a word here of what i used to hear on my childhood… before i was even diagnosed with autism… but was also considered “”defective”” by others… that was mid 2006 and 2010… and sometimes even still this day…)) he’s too perfect to be autistic! He’s way too prettier too! He can’t-

Then you heard him saying out loud all those terrible things about how he couldn’t be autistic… you started getting angry but even more disappointed and… heartbroken about how autistic people aren’t pretty nor smart according to his own words… you then started running out of his house and both him and T-oby tried to reach you but you were gone…

The worst part is that he kind of realized how stupid those stereotypes and hurtful ideas were about people like you: you are pretty, has a lot of wit, you’re… you are definitely not anything what people from his time used to say about autistic people!

He knew he had to apologize to you… he then saw under his feet a card that you have made for him and a present. The card said: “dear Phantasmo, i… started developing some feelings for you… i… i really, really, REALLY like you so much… and if you were also autistic, just know you WILL have my support and love! I won’t stop loving you any less, if anything, I would love you even MORE because it would be another common thing we have! ;) sorry if this letter seems a little too short and straightforward… but i think that’s all i can manage to write… words cannot describe how much i adore you~! Xoxo Y/N”

Needless to say… Phantasmo was in tears… he couldn’t believe how… he was so adamant about being also autistic… he felt like an idiot… T-oby seeing his dad so sad, had an idea: Phantasmo would give the test results to Y/N and would apologize by also gifting them something too!

Phantasmo agreed to the idea and peaked inside the present you gave him: it was a pink shirt with the autistic creature with a print saying: “hmm… i may be different: deal with it :3”

Phantasmo let out a small chuckle and put on the shirt (after he took off his sweater and lab coat… it was a bit tight against his chest but it was alright… nothing too uncomfortable)

After some hours, Phantasmo and T-oby knocked on your house’s door and you opened it… only for you to angrily shut it almost on their faces, which T-oby managed to place his feet in between and let out a pained “mmh!”

After some convincing, you let them enter your home…

Phantasmo then gave you the test results of his mental state and… he was indeed autistic! He also handed you a plushie of the autistic creature with a tiny bow on its “neck”…

All the anger that was inside of you vanished completely and… you hugged him tightly before kissing him and asking if he… well, wasn’t upset that he was autistic…

He (after some seconds recovering from your kiss, he could feel some steam coming out of his mouth and “ears”) said that at first it was hard to swallow this pill… but then he was happy because he realized that the stereotypes and hurtful ideas he had about autistic people weren’t true at all… you smiled with tears in your eyes and kissed him again~

T-oby watching everything unfolding smoothly and giving you two a thumbs up with a big smile on his face~

Now for some quick autistic (diagnosed) Phantasmo headcanons! Yippeeeee!

Phantasmo definitely stims when he’s excited about something! (He mostly stims using his ghost tail)

He lightly chews his fingers when he’s angry or nervous about something!

His tick is twirling his ghost tail between his fingers unconsciously!

He’s always torn between being a touch starved or being touch repulsed!

His hyper fixations are: horror movies and books; anything scientific related and classical music!

As you may all have noticed… this was supposed to be released on the autism awareness month… (yeah, yeah, i know… i’m way behind schedule… but oh well… *shrugs*)

Also, Phantasmo belongs to @fluffffpillow! (Ps: hey fluff, if you happen to see this… would my silly headcanon be considered a half truth to you? Also… please don’t get angry at me, this is all just some random headcanons that been swirling through my mind for a while now…)

quick skesh b4 bed :3

You sir or ma’am or whatever pleases you (i don’t know your pronouns), have gained my seal of approval! Aaaaand, because of that, i shall reward you with some headcanons~♪ ;D

Charlie is a VERY DAMN LOUD snorer whenever she’s at Phantasmo mansion. (She does that on purpose to annoy him hggfggfgfghfgg) however he actually doesn’t mind her snoring (too much at least) and when he does, he simply sleeps with some earmuffs. (Also, he does know that she does that on purpose, but he just pretends to be annoyed just to amuse her 🤭)

Usually Phantasmo doesn’t like to sleep because of his nightmares and bad sleeping habits. Charlie and T-oby have already tried to make the mad scientist sleep properly but he still insists that “sleep is for the weak” or “5 more minutes and then i’ll be already on bed” (spoiler: no, no he’s not going to bed in 5 minutes. It usually takes more 5 HOURS for him to sleep) or:

Charlie: Phantasmo! Get on bed NOW. You stubborn ghost!

Phantasmo: it isn’t morning yet, so i’ll just work on a few more-

Charlie: it IS morning! You’ve spent the whole DAMN night working on this! And I haven’t slept because of you!

Phantasmo: . . .

Charlie: . . .Phantasmo… don’t you DARE-

Phantasmo: IF I HAVEN’T SLEPT, IT ISN’T MORNING YET! and also, you are to blame for not sleeping: I didn’t force you to stay awake all night, now did i?

Charlie: Ohoho, that’s it mister! If you won’t come, I’LL DRAG YOU TO YOUR ROOM!

Phantasmo: NO, NO, NO, NO, NO- W-WAIT…! Ow ow ow! It hurts! You’re hurting me you crazy woman!

Funnies aside, when Phantasmo wakes up from a really bad dream (and when Charlie’s at his place or he’s at her place), She’s there to comfort him and caress his face, wiping off his tears 🥹

Phantasmo loves to bury his face on Charlie’s neck (but won’t admit it though, lmao), he finds comfort in her warmth 🥰😊

Who’s the big spoon and the little spoon? Easy, *INHALES DEEPLY*, CHARLIE AND PHANTASM- (kidding, not really though… let me explain: sometimes Charlie’s the “big” spoon (whenever Phantasmo is feeling down, he allows Charlie to be the “big” spoon. He likes being held. He’ll never admit though, lol) and sometimes she’s the little spoon (Phantasmo is touch-starved asf and if you think i am wrong, FIGHT ME-) and vice versa)

……Okay so, HEAR ME OUT: the reason why Phantasmo doesn’t go to Charlie’s place that often to sleep with her was because one: Charlie’s parents (if she has any) hate him, two: because privacy is not an option here and three… *inhales deeply again and hope that Jencil and Fluff don’t come for my head* CARTER GAVE HIM A FUCKING CONDOM WHEN HE NOTICED THAT THESE TWO WERE SLEEPING TOGETHER, SERIOUSLY, HE IS DAMN SERIOUS ABOUT PROTECTION. ESPECIALLY IF HIS SISTER IS SLEEPING WITH A GHOST

I imagine that Phantasmo has a very low body temperature, so every time these two cuddle, Charlie starts shaking, feeling cold. Very cold…

Charlie: Phanta? Could you please stop being this cold…? I’m freezing over here man!

Phantasmo: *mumbles and grumbles*

And the solution they have found for this little problem was making a burrito out of Charlie with some blankets, lmao (so that way, Phantasmo could still cuddle with Charlie and she wouldn’t get a cold from being in too much physical contact with him! :D)

you know what else would be phantasmos greatest threat? nope, it's not charlie. it's APPLES, y'know because doctors are afraid of apples. eh? eh?

Hehehe! That’s a good one!

But i’m pretty sure that he would be more afraid of Charlie! (Or of her throwing apples at him, as a form of “exorcism” lmao) (he would then chase her down because he would get irritated with her, lol)

Hello my dearies~! Today will be my last post for this year of 2023! (I live in Brazil, so the new year is a little bit more later than in other countries haha)

And to finish the year with a golden key, i decided to post my mini fic of why Oliver (my Oc) decided to give Phantasmo (Fluffpillow’s Oc) a present! 🎁

Hope y’all like it! ;D

“But why did you do it…?”

Oliver: ”…wait, so you’re telling me Phantasmo never got a present from ANYONE…?”

T-oby who was currently in the row of the Walmart talking with Oliver: ”uh, yeah…? Well, of course, aside from me and Viola… Phantasmo never got presents from anyone else. But, given his reputation with the townsfolk and also his “hatred” for Christmas… it… isn’t that surprising…”

Oliver: ”well then… i’ll make something really nice and special for him!”

T-oby with a worried smile: ”uhm, are you REALLY sure about that…? I mean, not really wanting to demotivate you but… you know he can easily kidnap you and torture you and-“

Oliver with a determined smile: “Y-yes… i know that but… there’s also this small possibility of him liking my present! :D”

T-oby: “Alright then: you do you but just so you know that if anything happens to you, I won’t be able to help you, got that? I can’t really go against my dad’s orders…”

Oliver giving T-oby a thumbs up while smiling: “Alright! I know, I know. Now if you excuse me, i have a VERY SPECIAL present to give to a certain ghost! See you later T-oby!”

T-oby giving Oliver a small smile: “See you later! Can’t wait to see what you’re gonna do for my dad!”

One knitting session later…

Oliver seeing Phantasmo all alone in a cemetery: *whispering with themselves* “Alright Oliver, you can do t-this!”

*Oliver approaches Phantasmo nervously*

Oliver visibly shaking with excitement and fear: “H-hi… m-m-mister Phantasmo…?”

Phantasmo giving Oliver a glare: “Hmm?”

Oliver slowly approaching the present towards Phantasmo: “Uhh, p-please…? A-accept m-my present…? Pretty p-please…?”

Phantasmo looking at Oliver with suspicion and talking down on them with contempt: “And who may you be…?”

Oliver scratching the back of their head nervously: “O-oh…! S-sorry…! I haven’t introduced myself: the name is Oliver and… i am a big fan of yours… hehe…”

Phantasmo: “Oh~? Really now? How… “nice”. Say: why on earth are you giving ME a… present?” *Phantasmo uses his ghost tail to put some distance between him and Oliver*

Oliver: “Uhhm… because i think everyone deserves a little bit of happiness…? And also because i… uhm…” *Oliver starts avoiding Phantasmo’s eye contact and starts blushing*

Phantasmo looks at Oliver confused for a second and then, realized what Oliver wanted to say. He then smirked smugly at them and used his ghost tail to bring Oliver closer to him: “Well, well, well~ who would have thought~? You like me like… that. Don’t you~? Hmm~?”

Oliver who became a blushing mess: “i… i…”

Phantasmo shushing Oliver: “Ah, ah, ah~ don’t be shy now, here, let’s take a look at what you did for me, shall we~?”

*Phantasmo takes the present from Oliver and opens it*

Phantasmo looking curiously at the pink sweater that Oliver made for him: “Ooohh~! What a nice color! And it has a faint smell of coffee to it~ say: who told you that i liked these two things? Oh, oh, let me guess: T-oby, right? Did i guessed it right~?”

Oliver sweating nervously: “Y-yes… s-sir… w-well, at least he told me that you like coffee scent… the color i guessed because your eyes are pink s-so… y-yeah… hahaha…”

*Phantasmo then started chuckling mischievously… until he grabbed Oliver’s face violently while grinning angrily at them*

Phantasmo: “Did you seriously thought that i… liked your pathetic present~?”

Oliver: “Well i-“

Phantasmo: “WELL, let ME answer you that: no, I didn’t like your stupid present! I don’t care, you hear that?, I. DON’T. CARE. About Y O U. I am a murderous, deranged and psychotic man! Do you, an annoying little lad, think i would “magically” turn into a nice guy just because you were nice to me~? HA! Please, don’t make laugh~”

*Phantasmo then tossed the gift box very far away and dropped Oliver into the ground. While still holding the sweater into his hands and grinning maniacally*

Phantasmo: “Well, i hope this was… memorable for you, because to me, honestly: i will purposely forget you~ now, bye~ and oh, don’t bother trying to annoy me again, next time i see you, i will turn you into one of my experiments~”

*Phantasmo then fades away from Oliver’s view. Leaving them all alone in the cemetery… Oliver sighs sadly, readjust their glasses and gets up to leave the cemetery*

Meanwhile at the doctor’s mansion…

T-oby: “Ohhh! What’s that dad? Did Oliver gave you a sweater? Nice! And ohoho! Guess he guessed right your favorite color too! Did you thanked them?”

Phantasmo passing through T-oby with a neutral expression while holding the present that Oliver gave him: “. . .No.”

T-oby gasping: “Dad! You can’t be rude to the ONLY person who is nice to YOU! That’s it! You’re going to thank them on the new year!”

Phantasmo looking at T-oby with a mocking smile: “Really now~? And HOW do YOU plan on making me~?”

T-oby smirking triumphantly: “You do know that, without ME, you can’t work on ANYTHING… right?”

Phantasmo: “. . .I hate you. . .”

After the new year…

*Oliver listens a knock on their door and goes to open it*

Oliver: “Hello, how may i help you…?”

*Phantasmo was standing at their doorstep, with the pink sweater on and a letter on his floating hands*

Phantasmo: “Ahem… just… take it…”

*Oliver then grabbed the letter and opened it to read it*

Oliver reading the letter out loud: “My neighbor Oliver-“

*Phantasmo shushing Oliver and telling them to not read the letter out loud*

Oliver apologizing and returning to read the letter, but this time, much quieter: “My neighbor Oliver, have you know that i didn’t exactly hated your present… but don’t get any funny ideas from my approval of your present: i simply didn’t hated it. Sincerely, Dr. Phantasmo…”

Phantasmo starting to blush lightly: “T-that’s it… don’t expect more than this…”

Oliver smiling warmly at Phantasmo: “Would you like to stay a little bit longer for some coffee?”

Phantasmo scratching the back of his head and pulling his collar shyly: “Y-yes… i… that would be… lovely.”

Merry Christmas!!!! :3

Thank uuuu so much Cabassy! :’)

Here’s you guys present!💝

@eastwardtuna955

@terroristis3638

@malin5520

@dreamcloud12 / @dreamdoll-12

@cabasasa! :3

Aaaand here’s part two of the married life of Phantasmo and Charlie! For you @salmonlover955!

They would start living together on his mansion (he couldn’t sell the mansion because he’s too attached to it and because he doesn’t want to give up on the rich lifestyle he has, lol)

He’s the one who always cooks (he ain’t letting Charlie cook after he saw her “exotic” culinary abilities…)

Charlie would find a real job since Phantasmo is so adamant to be the “housewife” and she doesn’t want to look and be the lazy one on this relationship

She’s would be a firefighter! :D

Phantasmo would always be sick of worried about his wife: and that’s why when he’s still carrying on his villain life style, he tries to do the least damage possible in a place and not set fire anywhere else anymore… he doesn’t want her to get hurt or… worse… also he would make sure her colleagues would protect her at ALL costs… (usually he would threaten her colleagues)

And about Phantasmo still being a villain: they would have a lot of discussions about this… but then Charlie saw that this was who Phantasmo was now, she decided to let it slide… BUT, under some conditions: he WOULDN’T make unethical experiments with others ANYMORE, he WOULDN’T trick people to buy from him fishy experiments ANYMORE, he WOULDN’T kidnap and kill people ANYMORE and other more radical evil things that he did before they got married… (believe it or not, Charlie still lets Phantasmo be his evil villain self… it’s just that most of the things she crossed out from his villainous routine, lol)

He still sometimes finds a loophole for Charlie’s conditions hehehe~

They then would feel a little bored after a while… the same routine every day… one day, Phantasmo tired of all of this, suggested that they should fight again, not arguing but literally physical fighting. Charlie felt a little hesitant because… now things were a little different from what they were before: they should say romantic stuff to each other, watch movies and do other ordinary couple stuff together… shouldn’t they…? Charlie didn’t want to ruin what they had… she wouldn’t forgive herself if she did so…

But Phantasmo then held Charlie’s hands gently and reassured her that that’s what he wanted… he was also afraid that if they kept acting like a “”normal”” couple… things would eventually grow cold between them… and Phantasmo didn’t want that. He loved Charlie very much.

Charlie then smirked and ordered Phantasmo to lay down on the couch… he wasn’t understanding what she was saying and then she decided to make it more clear for him: she pushed him effortlessly against the couch and then started caressing his neck…

After some caressing, she lightly grabbed his neck. Not trying to choke or straggle him but gently playing with him. He was now so pink that he looked like a big pink heart~

You could say he was enjoying it way too much and asked Charlie to tighten her grip on his neck… she looked at him funny and started chuckling:

Phantasmo: S-stop laughing…! I’m just… enjoying the m-moment…

Charlie: uh hu~ right~ why don’t you beg just a little more~? Then perhaps i might just do it~

Phantasmo: *looking at Charlie with his big bright pink eyes pleadingly* p-pretty… please…?

And then, Charlie tightened her grip around Phantasmo’s neck: his breathing was more restricted and he was loving every second of it… she then lightly nibbled his cheek and they looked at each other and… they started to make out :3

Sometimes Charlie feels a little burnt out from work and call sick just so she doesn’t have to work… she feels a little depressed and Phantasmo is ready for the rescue: he makes some soup noodles, pizza and bring her some nice and comfortable pillows and blankets. He then gives her kisses on her forehead and tells her it is normal to feel that way sometimes and there’s nothing she should feel ashamed of about. 🥹

And the same goes for Phantasmo: if Charlie notices that he’s feeling a little blue or having a breakdown, she immediately starts smooching his face and since he doesn’t need to eat and drink, she prepares him a bath, but instead of hot water it is hot coffee, lol

When she did this the first time, Phantasmo was visibly confused and couldn’t believe she did that… like, he certainly appreciates the gesture but… it was certainly weird… and then he got used to it and even enjoyed when she did that :D

they're married your honor (PHANTASMO'S LITERALLY BLUSHING DUDE LOOK AT HIS PINK HAIR)

I think that might be because of two factors:

He’s eager to trick Charlie because he loves to annoy her hfghfhgfhfgfgh

And because he kind of hoped Charlie would kiss him like a prince kissing the princess hfghfhfgfh (this one may be very unlikely but we love it anyways)

Buuuuut you’re certainly right: they are INDEED married hahaha! (Heck, i might even write some married life headcanons for these two! ;))

Howdy! How ya been?

Honestly i would feel better if the Telltown fandom had more people/fans in it so i wouldn’t be one of the few people who makes art for it…

But aside from that, i’m okay :’D

Good night my dearies! (By the time i am writing this, it is night in my country)

How are y’all? Good? I hope so! :D

So, you all may remember my Oc that i showed on my latest posts: Oliver!

Today, i, Honey Mochi Bubble Tea, am here to ramble a little bit about my sweet Oc Oliver! (I swear, i am so proud of creating this cute boy, i mean, not here to brag or anything but my baby is literally a cutie :3)

So, let’s goooo:

Let’s start with the basics:

Oliver is an Telltown Oc.

Even though i call him “baby” or “sweet boy”, he’s actually 22 years old, believe or not lol. (This only happens because i always manage to make characters look younger than they actually are haha)

My Oc pronouns are They/them//he/him.

He’s gender-fluid.

His sexuality is pansexual.

They are autistic. (I’ll explain better on the comment section if anyone has more questions about it: like how is their autism, how they handle or feel about it, how is their stimming and other things related to their autism!) (ps: and yes, their autism is a reflection of my own autistic spectrum)

Their height is 4’7 feet tall.

They are Brazilian! (Brazilian pride here! ;D)

His comfort zone: his own home or any library; his comfort food: burritos or sushi; his comfort objects: music boxes, big plushies, his amulet and his books; his comfort characters: any big and muscular guys or tall ladies, really lol; his comfort drink: boba tea and his comfort dessert: mochis.

He’s very, very weak and slow. If hypothetically he was in a combat, he would either die very easily or he would get out of the danger by persuasion or luck.

Thankfully, he’s an inventor and created a machine that can always respawn him if he’s in a situation that he knows he’s going to die: as long as he has his soul, he’s going to be fine.

WARNING: this bit has mentions of panic attacks; suicidal thoughts; self harming and hyperventilation! He has serious anxiety and stress issues. (And you may wonder: does he treats his anxiety? The answer is yes, but it’s honestly so bad that sometimes even the strongest medications doesn’t work, and when it doesn’t work, it leads to him having a lot of panic attacks; suicidal thoughts; self harming and even hyperventilating to the point he feels like he can’t breathe…)

Their phobias are: Eisoptrophobia; Agoraphobia/Enochlophobia; Social phobia and Aichmophobia (when used on them, not when they need to use it).

Their main goal: becoming Dr. Phantasmo’s apprentice and a better villain!

Now here are some fun facts about Oliver:

Oliver is very afraid of Charlie, why you ask? Well: they presume that since Charlie is a hero and has Phantasmo as her arch nemesis and Oliver is a big fan of Phantasmo… automatically, in their head, Charlie immediately sees them as also a menace… (even if Oliver is menacing as a baby lamb hahaha)

Oliver likes Dr. Phantasmo very much. Like, to them, the guy’s an idol and one day, one day: Oliver is going to happily work for him.

Yes: Oliver isn’t as innocent as he seems, he creates clones out of other people’s parts of their bodies (nails; teeth; hair locks; dead skin and blood) and experiment on said clones… god knows what twisted things he does to these clones…

Now you may be thinking: “is Oliver a good or bad person?” And well…. I promise to expand more on their morals; ethics; philosophies; character and reasons to be the way they are. But have this as for now: imagine that he has intrusive thoughts: the problem itself isn’t having intrusive thoughts, because it is proven that everyone had or has intrusive thoughts, the real problem is when you put in action whatever intrusive thoughts you’re having: killing someone, for example.

Since Oliver isn’t the strongest or the fastest person, he has other methods to compensate for the lack of those things: if he has to defend himself or… ahem, “take someone down”, he usually carries with him (on his backpack, of course) a pistol and some sleeping drugs… (also a dagger and a taser)

Thanks to his cuteness; charm and politeness, he can almost make anyone trust him rather quickly.

Oliver usually doesn’t like confrontation or conflicts, but if an idiot walks over him or someone that can’t defend themselves… ohoho, let’s just say that Oliver will plan a “special party” six feet under the ground for them :)

Oliver’s plans after he met Phantasmo became basically this: befriend Phantasmo (or something close to that); show him anime and mangás; ask him on a date (if they ever build courage for that) and hope he doesn’t kill them. :D

Oliver doesn’t have parents. The “closer” he has is a mysterious entity that names themselves as “Élos”. Oliver never saw them before, he only knows about its existence through the letters they send him. Élos apparently is probably who created Oliver, i will also explain that relationship better on my next post~ ;)

Oliver knows Emilly too well, almost so well that it even looks like they’re siblings. But here’s the catch: they never met each other before. Ever. Thing is, no one ever saw these two together at the same place. Oliver claims that the two live together and when questioned about this peculiarity, he lies that she’s busy in a different place whenever he’s home… (Emilly is another Oc of mine that i’ll talk about later on my next, next post! :D)

So… long time we don’t see each other here, huh…?

Warnings: i am going to talk about some topics about suicidal thoughts and… a little bit of self loathing because sadly i am built like that…

First of all, i wanted to thank my most loyal and supportive friends:

@salmonlover955 , @malin5520 , @cabasasa , @cherry-bombs-thingss , @dreamcloud12/@dreamdoll-12 and @terroristis3638…

For… you know… worrying about me and… checking up on me…

I would also like to apologize for making you guys worry about me so much… sometimes i… feel like i don’t deserve any of this kind of… attention…

But nonetheless… I am grateful for that… so… thank y’all, you guys are the best and i know one day (if you aren’t already being recognized) you all will be just like our idols: Jencil and Fluffpillow… talented and amazingly awesome…

With that out of my chest… let’s… talk about… the not so great stuff…

You know? It… was very, very… hard for me to come here and… explain the stuff that is happening on my life…

One because i… felt like if i did… i would be bothering you all with… unnecessary drama that you all clearly are going through worse than me…

And, btw, i may not have said a single reassuring word to any of you when you guys vented… (and i am deeply sorry for that…) but just know that… i am always praying for you all and… sending my best vibes and encouraging energy to all of you… (even though i am not in the best moment of my life mentally myself, haha…)

And two… well, here goes nothing, i guess:

I am currently 21 (still living with my parents, but that’s really not THE problem… the problem is… i just sometimes feel like… a useless lazy ass… that i am an adult (even though i am still trying to process this… let me ya: it’s hard…) and… “technically”… i would be considered a loser because of that… that i am not trying “hard” enough to be truly a “true mature” adult… you guys… get… the idea…) 12 of July of this year i turned 21… (i wanted to make a special headcanon/Fanfic for you all regarding my birthday… but oh well, surprise, surprise… i was too… “lazy” to do it… like i always am…), i have a brother who has Down syndrome (who i worry so much and care about his future… like… simple things like: having a wife (not husband because he only likes women), having independence, having… you know… a life of his own… and… sadly… he’s 6 years older than me and… doesn’t have any of that yet…), i (thankfully) have a “dream job”… like… where i work on they are very inclusive and friendly with me… (but sometimes my traumatized and paranoid self thinks everyone on my workplace are only “nice” to me because i am autistic and secretly, they all hate me… i am not saying that’s the case for everybody… but… I just can’t help myself…) but… they are also very, VERY strict and demand PERFECTION…

I work on a restaurant in Brazil… they are getting very popular around the whole country and… they… sometimes… forget that I am autistic and expect me to act like I am not…

Now, now, I definitely wish them all the prosperity and good luck in the world and I am DEFINITELY not trying to paint them as the “villains” and playing the victim here… (this part i am trying to convince myself that…) because they are also human and i am THE first diagnosed autistic employee working on their restaurant… so of course they are going to… make some mistakes…

Like talking to me very sharply when there’s almost 100 (and this is not a stretch, really, sometimes it’s even MORE than that…) people coming over to our place…

(This was a one time occurrence but… it still haunts me…): when one of the owners “humiliated” me in front of another client… (context: i said very calmly after he told me to check one table if they were served by the waitress/waiter… btw, it was THEIR job to check on the tables… i was the hostess that my only job was to guide others to their table… but i’ve given up a pass because one: he’s my boss and two: i was still on my early stages of learning to work there… but after I’ve told him that they were only waiting for someone else to come so they could order (a very common occurrence), he simply gestured me to come closer and, in front of a friend of his (which is another client), he ranted about how i couldn’t defy him like “that” and that i should just do as he tells me to do… you all may not feel the fear and anxiety that i felt after his “little” rant… but i certainly felt… more explicitly: i felt like shit…)

Hypocrisy… a lot of it… like, my supervisors tell the other employees that we shouldn’t have some small talk with other departments of the restaurant… but ThEy CaN tAlK aLl ThEy WaNt! (Sometimes they even forget they are working and start talking about their life problems to others…)

Or, or! When they tell us to not get late, but guess what? They CAN get late to work! Ain’t that nice? :)

And you may be wondering… “but Mochi! If you’re unhappy there, why don’t you find another job??”

Well… i don’t know if you know this but… here in Brazil… we, as a nation, are suffering from a wave of extreme unemployment…

People younger than me are having a real hard time trying to feed their families… all of us are suffering from the extreme inequality…

And…

Here it comes my dilemma, self loathing and suicidal thoughts: i like my job… i have strong connections with everyone there… they are like a family to me! (Well, don’t really know for sure if they feel the same for me but… i do…) but… sometimes i feel like i am in a more “semi-toxic” family than a true healthy family… but at same time, if i leave… i fear i will disappoint them… disappoint my REAL family… disappoint… basically… everyone… and that i am going to come off as a little ungrateful piece of shit… that after everything they did for me (my workplace family) i left them… and i am simply going to be easily replaced… like i wasn’t even someone but… something…

I daily think about stopping existing, stopping breathing, stopping… living… and just… end it all… but (i don’t know if i should be thankful for that or not but… eh…) i guess i am too much of a coward to end myself… (thanks for my phobia of how i am going to die… i don’t fear dying… I fear how will i die and if that’s going to be painful and scary…)

I… have stopped doing what i most loved doing… writing, reading and drawing… because of my work… first, it was school… now work…

It’s… almost comical really, how i am seen by many as a robot to now serve people and only do that… (and with a BiG sMiLe On My FaCe!)

Even when i get home… i can’t stop thinking about work… when i am with my friends… when i am with my family… it’s always there… haunting me… my mind reminding every single second that i am now an adult and i should just fake it till i make it… but how long? How long till i collapse and let out a desperate scream? A cry for help?

When i am having my few happy moments… i sometimes wish i could rewind them over and over again just so i don’t have to remember that i am seen by many as just another machine to make them richer…

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Okay… maybe i should stop trauma dumping on you all and get to the real important stuff…

I promise i will answer every question of you guys on my inbox and… today i am going to make a lot of posts just so i feel like i am not being a useless and bad friend to you guys…

And the fanfic of the Charlie and the chocolate factory is on hiatus… if that wasn’t obvious by my long absence… i really don’t know when i am going to finish that… but i promise, especially for you @cabasasa, that by the end of the year i am going to post the full AU…

And that’s it…

Now back to the normal schedule…

Hey I've been thinking... Did you saw how Carter and Charlie looked like when they were little kids? https://twitter.com/jencilthepencil/status/1283280293164511233?t=TTt7x3rNCSqHEjOmGShttA&s=19

I was wondering if you could draw Charlie with a younger Victor! ;)

There you go~! ;3

(I might never drawn something so fast as this, it’s a small doodle, i might redraw it later)