Illustratum-paradoxon - Illustratum Paradoxon

Word

“Being alone has nothing to do with how many people are around.”

— Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road (via wordsnquotes)

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Via: 3dsuccess.org

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Predictably unpredictable.

Take it day by day. It took years for them to screw you up, take time with your healing. Love yourself through the process. Give yourself grace! These are things I repeat to myself yet, even so still have those days that just seem like “Didn’t I just heal from this?” “Why am I resorting back?!” BUT it doesn’t always mean that! It’s ok to have a bad day. I have to accept that this is a process and some days triggers will just be harder to deflect. Some days our traumas come to taunt us, but I won’t stop the fight. I won’t keep allowing this battle in my mind keep me from healing and moving foreward. I will not hold on to shame and guilt for allowing myself to feel. It’s ok to feel. It’s ok not to be perfect. It’s ok to heal. It’s ok to be happy. And it’s ok NOT to be on the days that you just aren’t feeling your best. Stop beating yourself up!

-Illustratum Paradoxon

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I sit here with my past besides me as if it’s another living being that I must feed and nurture, but the more I feed my past the darker my future becomes. The past swallows me whole into a sea of darkness and once again I’m lost. I’ve lost hope rising from the ashes. Rising from the dead. I wish my past had someone else to cater to them. I wish I could sit alone in silence without the whispers of failures in my ear constantly reminding me of the monster that I once was.

Illustratum Paradoxon

*This is what healing looks like, it’s raw and it hurts like hell*

The anxiety attack after you set a boundary is crazy. My hands are shaky. Palms are sweaty. I’m freaking livid! I just don’t understand it?! I’m cursed I swear. My grandmother would yell at me CONSTANTLY “Your mouth is gonna get you in trouble” little did she know how powerful such words were. People love me cuz I’m real and hate me cuz I’m too blunt! Or because I’m too moody or too “to myself” um why is it so wrong to keep to yourself? Why is it wrong to like to keep your circle small? Maybe it’s a coping mechanism to protect what’s mine or maybe it’s the only way I know how to protect my energy. Whatever it is. I DESPISE when people try to impose on me. Don’t push me to be social please. Don’t come over uninvited. These are triggers. I’m so sorry. I don’t like uncertainty or surprises unfortunately. I’ve been disappointed too many times. I have opened that door too many times. So now I leave it shut and protect me and my own. Ok so the boundary is set. Why am I freaking out? It’s the response! It’s me obsessing over if that person will talk to me again because I set a boundary! It’s me being mad I had to set one in the first place. But then again, High expectations are future disappointments. I’m tired of people having adult tantrums when another adult is clear on their wants/unwants. How dare you be mad at me for knowing what I want!?

-Illustratum Paradoxon

Basically.