Slow Down, It's Ok. Very Few Things In Life Are Absolute

On the verge 

This is not a poem or poetry, it’s rambling, I feel close to tears not for anything in particular but because I think I feel everything and nothing all at once, i want them to come get me and make me feel better, i want them to call but i know I don’t want to pick up, I want them to stay and I want them to go, I want the opportunities but I don’t know if I can manage, I want ice cream, berry blast and suya, I want to be home so bad, I want to close the door of my room and disappear, I want to ball my eyes out.

I want to not care so much, while simultaneously caring about everything, I wish I had more bandwidth, I feel loose at the hems, I feel too overstimulated but somehow bored, I want to not exist, I want to not feel, I want to sleep so deeply and only wake up when necessary, I want love, I want to be wanted but also not care about being wanted, I want to move out but stay put.

Nothing helps, nothing helps, should I have fought harder, why does life have so much to do with fighting, even plants fight each other for sunlight, can being alive even ever be categorized as peaceful, I think to be alive is chaos, living is chaotic, the entire universe is chaos with everything hanging on a delicate balance.

This too shall pass, Abi is that this too shall end, anyone Sha, social media is shit, the economy is shit, can I manage my life, myself. Knowing there is something special about myself doesn’t make me feel special, does anyone feel so uncomfortable being seen as I do? I don’t want to need anyone or anything, why do we all need sustenance, why can’t life be just a little easier, to be Nigerian feels like you drew the short straw, do you think we draw straws for the kind of life we get to live?

I passed out once, I think about it sometimes the simple and quiet emptiness of not being conscious or could we also say of not existing, I feel nothing but a low buzz of everything, I know it’s there, I am just disconnected

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On the floor of my room, curled up as far as my hips will allow, wondering if in a years time I would be in a different place were everything worked out, were everything came together so beautifully, so when I look back in my minds eye and I see my self on the floor of my room, trying to hold it all together, I might in that moment think of this moment as resilience

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Space

Spaccccceeeeeeee

Spa ccccc eeeeeeee

It allows you breathe, to take a moment off that intense focus and then come back with fresh eyes to look at it again and maybe to see something different, something new, and maybe find a solution to that problem.

So take space, take up spaccceeeee

This is my kitty cat Luna, as you can see she loves sleeping and is actually asleep on my lap as I type this.

I hate to do this but I need some help, due to her health issues Luna needs medication multiple times a day, which altogether costs around £200 a month. Which I cannot afford with my paycheck and I have tried. Without her daily medication her health will go downhill and she will have to be euthanised.

I'm not going to ask for donations but if I could have some help signal boosting my Etsy shop that would be awesome! Please have a look, especially if you or someone you know likes pokemon, I have been told they make great gifts too.

Etsy

ZiggyZaggyCrafts - Etsy UK

Shop items by ZiggyZaggyCrafts located in Fareham, England.

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Nov 2024 | Netflix: "What's In My Trunk?" (x)

Some scary things are worth doing. Going outside, talking to people, public speaking, trying out something new, getting a job even tho you're unsure how it will go. You're a scared little plant but you can blossom into a beautiful, self assured tulip if you try being brave.

A friend once said “the ground is shifting under her”

At first I didn’t quite get it but now I think I do.

The ground shifting is when your sense of safety, be it a job, a house or a relationship is unraveling and definite change is inevitable.

And in those moments, where everything seems so unsteady and uncertain, where do we find comfort?

Some say you should embrace the discomfort and I think there is some truth in that, I think it’s also weird so what else? Radical acceptance maybe? Or finding snippets of joy in what you can and hold on for dear life.

I am still figuring it out as my own ground is also shifting

I have a different fear

It’s the fear that if this love dies, I won’t find another love, I won’t grow to be very comfortable in a new love, can this new love be trusted?

I am afraid of new love