Persephone: It Was Probably Bad To Sleep With Someone Cause I Wanted To Pet His Dog, Right?

Apollo: [to Hades and Cerberus] Alright, Shaggy and Scooby, you take the sinks, I’ll check the cabinets, and, Velma, you get the spooky-looking fridge.

Athena: What?! Why do I get this...dubious-looking device?

Apollo: Because only Velma would say ‘dubious device.’ Velma gets the spooky fridge.

Hades: Who does that make you, Apollo? Fred?

Apollo: Bitch, I’m Daphne.

Greek Gods As Things I’ve Said

Zeus: I may be a whore, but I am a whore with power.

Hera: Denial and homicide- my two favorite coping mechanisms.

Hades: The fact that you all haven’t realized that I am probably going to be your landlord in hell is sad.

Poseidon: The ocean is full of plastic, just like the world is full of idiots.

Hestia: Ah, home. Mine constantly feels like it’s on fire, especially when it actually is on fire.

Demeter: Eat your goddamn grains you whore.

Aphrodite, screaming: JINGLE BALLS, YOUR DAD’S SMALL, I SUCKED DICK LAST NIGHT-

Ares: I’m not saying violence is the answer but if these math problems were people they’d be dead already.

Apollo: At least we have music and memes to dull the pain that is our existence.

Artemis: I don’t want your number you stupid male I want to hunt you down and end you in the woods because it contributes to the mood, now fuck off.

Dionysus: Wish I could just run off in the woods and rip people apart and get nasty.

Hermes: The future is meaningless but the thievery is now.

Hephaestus: If hitting it with a hammer doesn’t fix it, you’re not hitting it hard enough.

Athena: I have come to the conclusion that I will be alone simply for the fact that everybody else is fucking stupid.

Persephone: Fuck you mom, you make my life more like hell than actual hell.

Hades: Persephone kissed me!!

Zeus: [gasp] No!

Poseidon: [squeals] Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!

Hades: It’s unbelievable.

Poseidon: Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!!

Zeus: Okay okay, we wanna hear everything. Poseidon, get the wine and unplug the phone. Hades, does this end well or do we need tissues?

Hades: Oh it ends verrry well.

Poseidon: [rushing over with wine glasses] Don’t start without me! Don’t start without me!

Zeus: Alright, let’s hear about this kiss. Was it like a soft brush against your lips, or was it like a, y'know, “I gotta have you now” kinda thing?

Hades: Well, at first it was kinda of intense, y'know and then… oh god, and then we just sorta sunk into it…

Zeus & Poseidon: [squealing] Awwwwwww!

(Scene changes to Persephone, Artemis, and Hecate casually eating pizza)

Persephone: And uh, and then I kissed him.

Artemis: Tongue?

Persephone: Yeah.

Hecate: Cool.

Thanatos, at 3am: Wait, so if I'm Death, capital D, and I collect souls, will I die eventually?

Thanatos: Do I like, collect my own soul?

Thanatos: How does that even work?!! Do I look in the mirror and go, "I've come to collect you!" or am I actually immortal?

Thanatos: Will I be the only one alive? Because I can't collect my own soul?!! Will I be alone?!

Hades: Thanatos, please go to bed.

Hades: just had an emotional breakthrough with the dog. I’m that high

Bonus present: rec list!

So as a bonus and sort of apology for having to close the box so quickly, I thought I’d make you all a rec list of some of my most favourite fics in the Queen fandom!

Warm and Terrified by @s0meday0neday (Roger/John, Roger/John/Brian)

This is, in my humble opinion, the definitive Queen A/B/O verse fic. Starring omega John, betas Roger and Freddie, and alpha Brian, it’s an amazing tale woven around the discrimination faced by omegas, the affect this has on the band, John and Roger’s loving but frowned-on relationship, and poor gentle Brian at odds with his own nature. Seriously, read this fic.

I Belong to You Forever by KyluxFicHell (@bohemian-rhapsody-slash on tumblr) (John/Freddie and Brian/Roger with a touch of poly!Queen) and its sequel, Standing On My Own Two Feet (Rami/Joe and Gwil/Ben)

This is some of the most innovative world-building I’ve seen in any fandom. The classic A/B/O trope is given a different spin where instead, people are born as either Dominant or Submissive. The first story commences in the 70s where submissives have almost no rights and Queen are trying to sign a record deal, leading to doms Freddie and Brian to claim subs John and Roger to protect them from sleazy record executives. The sequel is based during the filming of BoRhap and focuses more on subs Joe and Ben as they film the movie and navigate their feelings for doms Rami and Gwil, with some help from Queen.

Four Men and a Rock and Roll Band series by Tikini (poly!Queen)

Buckle in because this series is one hell of a ride. It rocks between absolutely filthy smut and more in-depth character and emotion analysis. And it doesn’t shy away from the realities of what it would have been like trying to build this relationship in the 70s. Overall a brilliantly-written fic with realistic, beautiful characterisation. Trigger warning for parts 12 and 13.

Roses in December by writeyourownlifestory (Roger/John)

A stunning piece focused around what seems a simple premise: Roger gets into a car accident and loses his memory. Even though it’s 1976, he thinks it’s 1970, which means he has no memory of John. John chooses not to tell Roger about their relationship, and so much angst ensues. But it’s gorgeously written and has you holding on for that happy ending that we hope will come.

Liar by LetMeEntertainYou (general, no pairing)

This fic will break your heart in just 869 words. An alternate reason for why we haven’t seen John in years, and how much Brian and Roger love him. Tissues required.

Lily of the Valley by kinole009x (John/Veronica)

A slight AU where Ronnie is a roadie for Queen, accidentally pregnant after a one night stand and oblivious to the fact that John is in love with her. But the man who fathered her child has ulterior motives and Ronnie and John have a long rocky road ahead. The tension in this fic is absolutely killing me, I swear.

Give Me Mercy No More by killerqueenie (Rami/Joe with background Ben/Gwil)

AU: Joe is a dom who Gwil talks into teaching his bondage class while the latter is on holiday. Gwil also has a sub friend Rami who can help. Of course Joe is gonna catch feelings on the way. Who wouldn’t? Super cute and fluffy (despite the smutty premise).

A Kind of Magic by QueenOfAllCorgis (John/Freddie, sort of Roger/Brian)

A semi-AU where Queen is a mixed band of supernaturals and humans: the djinn Freddie, the dragon John, the incubus Roger, and the very human Brian. Their natures cause various issues along the way, other supernaturals make an appearance, and you’ll want to punch Paul Prenter twice as much as usual. Brilliant.

Riders on the Storm series by sweetestsight (no pairings)

Absolutely hilarious crack AU where Roger, Brian, Freddie and John are actually the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Except they don’t really feel like bringing on the apocalypse, so they’ll drink cocktails on the beach instead. Exactly as funny as it sounds!

you drive me (to my knees) by @sammyspreadyourwings (Brian/John)

College AU where Brian and John are roommates who hate each other. Or do they? A beautifully subby Bri with a very dom John and some delectable smut.

Kevlar and Armani by @sammyspreadyourwings (Brian/John)

The classic spy AU where John and Brian are undercover together and discuss their relationship while trying not to be killed. As you do.

The Brighter Sun and the Easier Lays series by Kt_fairy (John/Roger)

Okay, okay, I’m a sucker for realistic 70s stuff (which is funny since I can’t write it myself). Roger and John end up as fuck buddies, then they catch proper feelings, but in a world where this is not the norm, it takes them a while to figure it out. This is really fucking gorgeous as a series that deals with quite a lot of internalised stuff.

Ad Astra per Aspera series by @sammyspreadyourwings (John/Roger, John/Roger/Brian)

Brian is a werewolf, Roger is a vampire, Freddie is a dryad, and John is a human. Queen is ground-breaking for having so many supernaturals but especially a werewolf. Brian has a lot of internalised hatred for what he is which the boys try to help him through…right up until Brian catches a bit more than feelings for John and Roger. Another one where the tension is killing me.

roger : *sneezes*

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀

freddie : hey everyone, roger sneezes like a girl!

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀

roger : tHEN HOW ABOUT I POUND YOU LIKE A BOY that didn’t sound right-

⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀ ⠀⠀

freddie : no no, continue.

Hades: *Accidentally steps on Cerberus's tail*

Cerberus: *Sad puppo yip*

Hades:

Zeus: Olympus is amazing! Way better than Hades’ underworld fortress of loneliness.

Hades: My palace glows in the dark.

Zeus: FUCK!

“Ready Freddie?”