Odasaku, To Dazai, About Chuuya: What Is A Rival If Not A Crush You're Mad About Having?

*how Dazai overcame his fear of dogs*

ada Dazai: They say that the phobias are overcomed by taking incremental steps to confronting the phobia in question.

ada Dazai: In my case, that started with watching a tv show that was adored by all children but for me was a staff of nightmares.

*flashback*

15!Dazai: *watches Scooby Doo*

*end of flashback*

ada Dazai: The next step was to come face to face with real dogs.

*flashback*

15!Dazai outside a pet shop, looking at 5 adorable puppies: Ok that's enough. *runs away scared*

*end of flashback*

ada Dazai: AND finally, a close encounter of the third kind; physicall contact with the canine spices.

ada Dazai: *points at Chuuya*

Dazai: *has music loud while dancing in the middle of the office*

Kunikida, turning down the volume: Get back to work, now Dazai!

Dazai: How dare you, Iago, Backstabber?

Kunikida: I'm surprised you've read Othello.

Dazai: What the hell's Othello? I'm calling you the parrot from Aladdin.

Atsushi, seeing the cops marching past:

Atsushi, who has done nothing wrong ever: They're coming for me.

Dazai, currently wanted for 138 murders, 312 cases of extortion, and 625 cases of fraud, along with various and sundry other crimes: Yeah, probably.

Akutagawa: Atsushi hasn't text me back and it's been 15 minutes :(

*meanwhile*

Atsushi: Dazai, does "beautiful" have 3 or 4 O's?

Dazai, fully aware of how to spell beautiful: It has 4.

Dazai, yelling: KUNIKIDA HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOP?!

Kunikida: Chuuya's in the office.

Dazai: Ok thanks :).

Chuuya, from the office: THE FUCK?!

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*

Dazai: Please don't tell anyone but I think I'm a little bit in love with Chuuya.

Atsushi, who genuinely believed the two of them had been married for the past 7 years: ???

Atsushi: Oh.

Fyodor: You're dead for that!

Dazai: Do it...

Dazai: Pussy.

Fyodor: I will enjoy this.

Chuuya, getting in the way: Hey, Elsa!

Chuuya: Get your icy hands off my bottom, bitch!

Dazai: Some of these ppl out here rlly got me struggling to be ace.

Ranpo: You're talking about Chuuya.

Dazai: I'm most def talking about Chuuya.

Dazai: I hope I get run over.

Atsushi: Aww, come on, it's Christmas! Get in the spirit!

Dazai, sighs: Fine, I hope I get run over by a reindeer.