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Christmas Movies Ranked by How Anti-Capitalist They Are

It’s a Wonderful Life

Movies that make you want to pick a fight with the 1% and also weep with joy. Absolutely a classic and anti-capitalist at its very core. Will convince you we need to start oppressing landlords again.

“Just remember this, Mr. Potter, that this rabble you’re talking about… they do most of the working and paying and living and dying in this community. Well, is it too much to have them work and pay and live and die in a couple of decent rooms and a bath? Anyway, my father didn’t think so. People were human beings to him. But to you, a warped, frustrated old man, they’re cattle.”

SAY THAT!!! George Bailey said fuck landlords, all my homies hate landlords, they have NO rights. Local man believes poor people are human, dedicates his life to helping them, and in his time of the need literally the whole town comes together to support him and his family. Class solidarity ftw!

“Remember no man is a failure who has friends.” Bitch I CRY EVERY GODDAMN TIME. 

10/10

Home Alone

Soundtrack goes hard, the wacky hijinks even harder. 

Loses points because the bandits had a prime opportunity to seize and redistribute some of the wealth from this ritzy Chicago neighborhood and instead they focus their energy on trying to kill an 8-year-old who outsmarts them at every turn.

2/10

Elf

A family favorite in our house. Touches on the overworking and mistreatment of employees through Greenway Press – Walter forced to choose between being with his family on Christmas Eve or losing his job, it’s implied Deb has a pet grooming business on the side to makes ends meet despite being a receptionist at a NY publishing company, etc.

Honestly most of the points come from Jonie’s underrated yet highly relatable storyline. She works in retail, exhausted and cynical towards the high-paced Christmas season which gives her little to no relief or reward, since she’s surviving on ramen noodles and using the employee showers because her water was cut off. Not expanded on enough to be considered a true Marxist piece but the effort is appreciated.

5/10

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

Although the meme is correct in that Rudolph’s red nose becomes desirable only once it proves to be useful, it does get points for exposing the harmful nature of forced conformity and those alienated by these capitalist ideals – Rudolph, Hermie, the island of misfit toys – are given a place to belong despite the perceived “flaws” that before made them undesirable.

Also the elves definitely have a free dental-plan now thanks to Hermie and are hopefully on their way to unionizing. Fucking superb you funky little misfit.

6/10

Klaus (2019)

Turns a member of the bourgeoisie into a man I’d trust to carry my mail. Respect for postal workers this movie contains was ahead of its time.

 No direct takedown of the establishment but a heartwarming message – “A true selfless act always sparks another” bITCH I may be crying – that emphasizes the importance of giving to others even when there is no selfish motivation to do so, which is inherently anti-capitalist.  

8/10

The Santa Clause

Scott Calvin starts as a toy executive who takes part in the commercialization of Christmas. He was probably a business major so automatically loses points.

The Santa dynasty itself seems to operate under the cutthroat rules of the business world where you must overthrow (or in this case, throw him off the roof) the former CEO in order to seize power. 

Elves have not unionized or seized the means of production by the end.

0/10

A Christmas Carol 

THE ORIGINAL. Charles Dickens was not even in the neighborhood of fucking around with this one. CREATED the anti-capitalist Christmas genre!!

Rich man treats his employees like shit and gets terrorized by three ghosts on Christmas Eve. Force him to redistribute his wealth by dragging him through a montage of his most epic fails – oh, hey, remember when your fiancé left you? – and make him listen as all his employees and relatives complain about his stingy ass. 

They end this slideshow by throwing this dude into his own grave. DIRECT ACTION. 

Like damn, the ghosts really said, “If you hoard your resources and ignore those in need when you could directly improve/save lives with no cost to yourself, you will die ALONE and you WILL pay for your crimes in hell.” Literally watching this movie is a catharsis for anyone who is or has been poor and working class. 

I’m including all versions of this movie but a special shout out to the Muppet version because it fucks the hardest. 

100/10

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (2000)

Listen I’m not even in realms of joking with this one. This movie is THE anti-capitalist film of the holiday season. 

WhoVille commercializing Christmas and a fixation on consumer culture to the point where anything and anyONE who cannot be commodified – aka the GRINCH – is alienated? The Whos rediscovering that people should be cherished over material items once it all is stolen and they must confront how empty the holiday has become??

Cindy Lou becoming disillusioned in Christmas – at an age that coincides when many children (those who celebrate Christmas at least) lost belief in Santa and had to wrestle with what the holiday means with the magic gone and they’re more aware of the rampant consumerism that taints the season?? Her resolve to find a meaning that goes beyond material consumption because if a holiday founded on goodwill doesn’t extend that goodwill to everyone, even those society deems undesirable, then what’s the point???

The Grinch despising Christmas because he is unable to participate and isolated from the Whos and also the better qualities within himself? His alienation serving to demonize him further as it allows the public to narrow his valid criticisms of the holiday down to him being different and thus inherently predisposed to evil?? And hmm isn’t it interesting that a LOT of this demonization comes via Mayor Augustus “generously paid for by the tax-payers of Whoville” Maywho, Mr. 1% himself.

The upper vs working class divide evident in the light show competition between Martha May and Betty Lou Who?? The opening scene of the shopping frenzy that mirrors our own consumerist culture and overworking of retail/poster workers??? This entire monologue:

“That’s what it’s all about, isn’t it? That’s what it’s always been about. Gifts, gifts… gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts, gifts! You wanna know what happens to your gifts? They all come to me. In your garbage. You see what I’m saying? In your garbage. I could hang myself with all the bad Christmas neckties I found at the dump. And the avarice… the avarice never ends! ‘I want golf clubs. I want diamonds. I want a pony so I can ride it twice, get bored and sell it to make glue.’" 

MARXIST KING. MENTION IT ALL.

1000/10

Just freaking adorable!

So today at work there was this little girl who was REALLY sad that sally from cars wasn’t coming out to say hello to people and she just kind of flopped everywhere so I found a sally button by the grace of god and I wrote her a note form Sally’s point of view explaining that she was sorry she’d missed her and that she’d see her at the races.

And that little girl took that pin and looked absolutely stunned and held it to her chest, then she picked up the letter and she hugged it to her chest. Her mom came over and hugged me and her dad shook my hand and I started tearing up and that little kid didn’t say a word. She was just holding a piece of paper that I wrote on and a pin that I pulled off the wall like they were gold incarnate and I’d handed her a million dollars.

firstly, that’s a little girl that likes carsland. Not a little boy who likes lightning, a girl who was just as thrilled to see lightning mcqueen as all the other boys. Secondly, that’s why I do what I do. not for Annual passholders, not for people who want to make statements, for the future generations and the fact that a girl was that excited about a car just shows that we’re doing something right. Take that with you.

YES I HAVE TO SHIP RIGHT NOW! I AM THE CAPTAIN OF THIS SHIP AND I’M GOING TO SAIL HER INTO WHATEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE!

I was the FIRST Cruzon shipper!

Ill take this ship to my grave okay.

And it all started because some idiot set Sarge on fire and everyone except Fillmore were all too high to know how to through water on him,

lightning KNOWS

Lightning McQueen: Moronic Feminist!

(At the Demolition Derby with Luigi, Guido, and Mack watch from the side in concern. They see Cruz stuck in the mud and Lightning nearby.)

Luigi: Oh shit! Lightning go get-a her out of the mud!

Lightning: I’m not doin’ it. That would be sexist

Luigi, Guido, and Mack: What!?

Lightning: This right here, this situation, this is the damsel in distress trope. And I am not about to contribute to it.

Mack: While I can agree that trope is horrible in this particular situation we need you to do this. She’s in danger.

Lightning: No. It'd be against my moral compass.

Luigi: Your fucking moral compass is a roulette wheel!

Cruz: (increasingly scared for her life) Lightning I know what you mean but this isn’t the time for that.

Lightning: I’m sorry Cruz I can’t do it.

Luigi: Look, she’s already in the situation. You just need to pull her out of it.

Mack: What if we pretend she’s just a crippled car.

Lightning: That’d be denying her sexual identity. Cruz, you do identify as female, right?

Cruz:(annoyed but getting worried over not being able to get out of the mud) Yeah and I understand. Sometimes in our culture things are ridiculous, but face it, situation is situation.

Lightning: I’m sorry. I can’t do it.

Guido: OOOOHHHHHH GOOODD!

Lightning: Think about it from my perspective! What do you see over there?

Luigi: YOUR TRAINER! AND SHE’S IN TROUBLE!

Lightning: Well I see a highly capable girl. Sure life’s beaten her down a little but that’s not gonna stop her. Nothing’s gonna stop her. She can become president of the world one day!

Luigi: NOT IF SHE’S SAWED IN HALF BY MISS FRITTER!

(20 minutes later Luigi, Guido, and Mack leave the two at the derby and back to the trailer)

Luigi: Okay, so we all agree. We’ll hide her body on the beach, if Lightning’s still alive we train somewhere else and never come back here again. We’ll-a tell Sterling we lost Cruz somehow. Good?

Guido: (Nods)

Mack: I like it!

I don’t get it what is it?

Im a shit head

Heres the fucking invite link to the discord thing.

https://discord.gg/ff76a

Also my shit is @reoccurringfate#1925

Sporking Projects List

Sporking is looking at bad fanfics and making fun of them and critiquing them. 

IT IS NOT TO MAKE FUN OF THE AUTHOR!

Request a bad fanfic if you want me to spork it.

Fics I’ll Be Sporking:

Cars: Two friends, one cup (Fandom: Cars)

TM4TR (Fandom: Cars)

Tow Mater (Fandom: Cars)

The Disney Seven (Fandom: Disney)

(Possibly) Curse of the Demon Pony (Fandom: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic)

Fandoms I’m A Part Of:

Cars movies (sans Planes 1 and 2)

Pixar

Disney

Steven Universe

Gravity Falls

Avatar: The Last Airbender/Legend of Korra

Star vs. The Forces of Evil

Dreamworks

Phineas and Ferb

Samurai Jack

Classic Nickelodeon

Classic Cartoon Network

Kim Possible

How I Met Your Mother

Code Geass

Ouran Highschool Host Club

Your Name

Studio Ghibli

I had a dream like that once... My god... this movie will give me feels...

It’s my Toy Story 3, and I’m not even graduating!

Doc and McQueen were probably racing around Willy’s Butte and then Doc started like, shaking, breathing heavily all of a sudden and had to stop in the middle, Lightning being really worried and like oh god no no you’ll be okay you’ll be okay and Doc was just fading away slowly and he looked right into Lightning’s eyes and explained to him that his engine’s seizing, there’s nothing anyone can do. Lighting’s crying and calling for help but Doc told him no, this is how he wanted to die, he wanted to die while racing, while in the moment, and not tucked away in a garage or something. Lightning just kept crying and telling Doc he loves him as his mentor is dying in front of him, and Doc’s last words were just, “Lightning…thank you.”

https://www.youtube.com/embed/C8wlWMJtnuU?feature=oembed&enablejsapi=1&origin=https://safe.txmblr.com&wmode=opaque

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C8wlWMJtnuU)

I should like this but I do!

Oh hai Candice.

I remember hating you ya little tool.

You are voiced by Tara Strong so that makes you 20% cooler.

Man Lightning is a magnet for them all and my harem anime me was correct! Sally, Mater, Doc, Francesco, Holley, Cruz, Jackson, Mia and Tia, Chick, Candice! You hit the jackpot yo!

She is not my Pink Diamond though.