I Give Up On Caring About People

2.16.22 - Ghost. Some days I float through this life with my brain fogged and the world recognizable but feeling eerily off. For on these dream-like days I am simply a ghost haunting this horrid human body.

this was written during a suicidal episode, so please bear with the fragmented thoughts and overall vagueness of the big feelings I was feeling.

i know it sounds stupid but praying in the quiet hours of the morning will always be one of my favorite things.

(god i never thought i would say that lol, but here we are,, life is weird but my gods are good and that is all that matters)

i stg this shit is just Big Puppy Disorder. like wag wag wag my tail over this new friend, he is so nice and he is so nice to me and i want to be his puppy and make him happy too :3

i’m like some braindead golden retriever wtf is going on.

the things I hate most in this world are myself and the fact that I’m still alive.

i cant even write about it, i tried, too many memories of being locked up in facilities. i know everything is all in that damn notebook but i don’t know if i dare look at it.

The most beautiful thing John Green has taught me was the way out of the Labyrinth of suffering is alaska style (straight and fast). for me, my labyrinth is always my perfectionism during the school year. The only way to get out of the labyrinth though, is through. So, you put your head down and try your absolute fucking hardest and eventually it’s over until you have to start it all over again.

“The only way out is through” has been my personal mantra ever since i read looking for alaska during a residential stay. the book and the depth of its meaning are so very important to me and i could write essays upon essays taking about my personal labyrinths and how they are full of demons that i can barely outrun- but i won’t, i’ll save it for later. for now i have a labyrinth to escape.

i miss him so much. i miss his quick wit, i miss his comforting presence, i miss the constant companionship, i miss the everything about him.

it’s so hard missing someone your brain created, that because i am doing better they took my friend away.

i don’t know what to do, how to fix this pain.