Poor Bruce... Has Yet To Learn To Not Lecture Siblings Together Because They Just Feed Off Each Other's

Oh, this red string you see wrapped around my finger? You're asking if it connects me to my one true love? An understandable mistake, but I'm aromantic. This is for my conspiracy board.

fic where steve already knows he's bi but robin keeps trying to tell him. steve's known he's had a crush on eddie for months at this point but today just happens to be the day where eddie walks in during a slow shift at family video and robin looks up at the perfect moment to catch steve's soft, dopey smile.

and in that moment, robin connects the dots. the music in steve's car being just love songs on loop. steve walking into work in a lovesick haze. steve going out of his way to work his schedule so he could always be the one to pick the kids up from hellfire.

oh.

oh.

eddie ducks into the horror section, and robin throws her full body weight towards steve, who yelps not unlike a stray cat.

"you like eddie," robin hisses.

"yeah, no shit!" steve reaches for the collar of his polo like he's clutching imaginary pearls. "jesus christ, robin, what the fuck."

ignoring him, robin continues. "no, steve," she says, soft look on her face, "you like like him."

steve frowns, nodding slowly. "i-i know that, robin. we're not in third grade anymore, you can say 'crush', it's not going to give you cooties," he says, frown falling to reveal a teasing look.

"wait, what?"

"robin, did you...?"

they stare at each other intensely for what could perhaps be aeons.

"YOU NEVER TOLD ME-"

"I'VE ALREADY TOLD YOU-"

jason: you're so annoying.

dick: I love you too.

*later*

jason: fuck you.

dick: I love you too.

*even later*

jason: your face is dumb.

dick: I love you too.

*even later*

jason: ... I love you.

dick: *stares*

dick: are you sICK WHAT'S WRONG IS THE WORLD ENDING BRUCE GET IN HERE SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH JASON—

Bruce has to spend a day working an important mission with the league at the watchtower but the kids are bored so he tells them as long as they don’t disrupt the JL’s work they can hang around the watchtower and then get takeout on the way home. they succeed in keeping themselves to themselves but don’t quite manage not being disrupting. this is because Tim convinced them to do a tiktok trend.

*the league, pouring over case files in serene silence*

*heard faintly from three rooms away*

Tim, Damian, and Jason: we listen and we don’t judge,

Jason: my original plan for terrorising B after coming back to Gotham was to start leaving him a bunch of creepy voicemails Taken-style, and the only reason i scrapped it was because i just genuinely couldn’t remember Bruce’s phone number.

*Bruce lifts his head, squinting slightly*

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Tim: when i was nine my camera broke because a rogue that Batman was fighting threw the car i left it in off a bridge and i was so mad at Batman that i sold photos i’d taken of Bruce Wayne wearing a thong on his private beach to the Gotham Gazette to buy a new one

*the rest of the league also lift their heads, staring at Bruce uncomfortably. Bruce shifts in his seat*

Jason: THAT WAS YOU?

Tim: YOU’RE JUDGING WE SAID NO JUDGING-

Damian: i feel like we should be able to judge OCCASIONALLY.

*the league, eyeing each other*

Clark: they wont… post that video online, right?

Bruce, sighing: to the family groupchat, probably.

*heard again from across the watchtower*

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Jason: back in the league Damian’s hamster died and we told him it was natural causes but it’s actually because i set it loose during a meeting and Ra’s freaked out and stepped on it.

Jason: OK DRAWING A SWORD MEANS JUDGEMENT DAMIAN PUT IT BACK-

Diana: should you be… checking on them?

Bruce, dead inside: what am i supposed to do about it?

Ollie: aren’t you in charge of them?

Bruce, completely seriously: i’m not in charge of anything anymore.

The kids: we listen and we don’t judge,

Damian: when I was a child I was forced to kill 183 people and I dream of their faces every night

Tim: Damian I don’t think you understand the game.

Bruce, getting up: I’m going to go-

The rest of the league, simultaneously:

Clark: see if the kids are-

Diana: we can handle this-

Barry: you got this buddy-

Ollie: yeah go- go take a break-

Bruce, high on pain meds: i need to- you all have to listen. you deserve to know. You’re all old enough now.

Dick: this is gonna be good

Tim, grinning: what do we need to know?

Bruce: one of you is adopted,

The kids:

Bruce, tearing up: and im SO sorry, but i just- i can’t remember who-!

Jason, gleefully: I’LL REMIND YOU- *mouth covered by Dick*

Bruce: *sobs and then passes out*

The kids:

Jason, shoving Dick off him: GET- off me! wake him up we have to tell him it’s Damian

Damian: ME!?

Jason, looking for somebody else to fuck with now Bruce is down: you look the least like him- I mean come on, those twig arms,

Jason, pointing at a passed out Bruce: you are NOT the father.

Steph: *chokes on a wheeze*

Damian, incredulous: are you- DUKES BLACK

Duke: what and you’re white? don’t fucking start this shit kid

Damian, drawing his katana: i will not have my inheritence questioned like this-

Duke, warningly: *starts glowing*

Jason: *starts filming*

Dick: oh god… Bruce is gonna wake up to Damian in the hospital. what are we gonna tell him?

Tim, eating popcorn: i dunno about you but i’m gonna tell him he got high and started a race war to see how much he panics.

in the background, Duke: *shoots Damian into the side of the wall*

Damian: *leaps back with a war cry*

Jason, looking at his phone: oh you think telling him is gonna make him panic? i’m saying it on twitter and letting him find out through WE getting boycotted

Dick:

Dick: arguably worse than trying to make him kill the joker but ok

Tim: now hold up man i work there too-

The biggest confidence boost is knowing that even my shittiest fanfic will be 10,000% better than any AI generated bullshit

The video starts with the view of an open fridge door, and something shapeless even within the frame scrabbling around inside, before it abruptly shuts and the thing, surprised by the presence of the camera, jumps back in shock. The Void stares unblinking (you think, it doesn’t really have eyes but more clusters of stars brighter than the rest), holding a tower of various cheeses in its arms stacked to its head.

“Dude.” The Void remains still, its voice calm as the surprised expression begins to wear off. “We talked about this. You’ve got to knock it off with the whole documentary thing.”

The camera zooms in on on comets peaking out from behind cheddar that definitely went out of date last week. The Void takes a step back, towards the kitchen counter where biscuits and crackers are stacked, ready to be made. The camera follows.

“Dude.” The Void continues backing away. The camera follows. “Dude!” The hesitant steps become a steady walk backwards through the flat. “You promised you’d be cool about this whole roommate thing! Cmon!”

The Void, having reached the kitchen counter, sighs, and begins making its two am snack. The camera pushes closer and closer to its face.

“I swear, one more step!” The Void doesn’t turn towards the camera but holds up a cheese knife threateningly. The camera stabilises. The Void goes back to cutting cheese.

The camera slams into and squishes against where its face would be if it had a face.

“THAT’S IT!” The Void grabs a piece of Red Leicester and hurls it into the camera, which had began to sprint away backwards. The video ends.

“I have stared into the abyss not just long enough for it to stare back. But for it to get uncomfortable and ask me to stop”

MERTHUR + tumblr text post

People think Steve doesn’t like Mike because Mike is mean to him but that’s not true. Steve loves that Mike is mean because it means that Steve can be mean back.