Ranboo: Who Hurt You? Tommy: *snorting* What, Do You Want A List? Ranboo, Now Holding A Weapon: ...Yes,

Skyrim/Witcher Crossover - Cicero Fuckeries

alright so i’m gonna make this its own post since I have a lot in mind for this specific lil scenario, and i don’t want to make a too big a text wall ajs;dlfkjasldk

just hear me out on this one, this would be a lot more entertaining than you might think

Cicero, Geralt and Jaskier first meet out on the road, out in front of the Loreius farm

Geralt was fully intent on ignoring Cicero’s call for help, but Jaskier is the one to be like “hey, why don’t we give this guy a hand?”

honestly the two prolly bicker a bit on what they should do but then Jaskier hits him with That Look and Geralt finally relents

Geralt helps up to the farm while Jaskier sticks around with Cicero, making small talk 

aint long for Geralt to come back down the hill with Loreius in tow - really not hard for him to change Loreius’s mind on the whole ordeal

Jaskier finds the little man very odd, but still fun to talk to 

Cicero also thinks he’s fun, but at the same time, i would not be surprised in the slightest if he’s lowkey plotting a murder - getting mother home stays his blade, of course, but if he has the free time? hmm… tempting, tempting indeed… 

Once Loreius is down there helping Cicero, Geralt starts to leave, but Cicero calls out to him, asks him to wait, before tossing a coin purse his way as a thank you

he accepts it without a word, and off Geralt and Jaskier go

Jaskier has no idea what’s up with Cicero, but Geralt knows there’s something definitely not right 

he wasn’t lying about his mother being in that box, as far as he could tell - his sharp sense of smell confirmed it - but there was just something… wrong. something dark. something evil

they don’t see each other again for a while, not until the Cure for Madness happens and Cicero is all alone in Dawnstar (assuming he’s been spared)

Geralt and Jaskier happen to be there, too, looking for work 

they’re in the tavern, with Jaskier playing tunes for coin and Geralt sitting alone at a table, watching him and takin swigs of his ale, and Cicero sees em and he’s just like !!!!!!

just scampers his tiny ass over to Geralt and plops down next to him with a big smile on his face 

“Well, well, well! Long time, no see, dearest Witcher! I was wondering if we’d ever cross paths again.”

“Cicero.” 

they chat up a storm - or more Cicero’s talking to him while Geralt listens and prolly says like… five words in one sentence at most

definitely asks about his mother, who Cicero simply says is enjoying her new home 

which confirms something on Geralt’s mind, but he keeps it to himself

Jaskier had seen the jester walk over to Geralt while he was performing, and once he’s done he goes over to say hello

ain’t long before it’s the three of them sittin there, chattin it up. Err, well, Cicero and Jaskier chatting it up while Geralt offers his most enlightening hmm’s

something something Cicero ends up more or less inviting himself along on the adventure since he, at that time between the Cure for Madness and the end of the DB questline, has nowhere else to be 

something something also tagging along so he can go through with his little Jaskier murder plot 

something something he does attempt to kill him a couple times but some thing or another foils it without him actually getting caught by the bard in question, or more importantly, Geralt 

mind you, Jaskier actually likes Cicero - as eccentric as the man is, he relates 

but then he hits him with the bard joke 

and poor Jaskier 

a lad is CONCERNED

HE’S TALKIN ABOUT SMASHIN LUTES AND BURNIN BARDS

starts sticking around Geralt a bit closer than usual

Cicero learns very, very quickly that you do not make murder jokes around Geralt 

he does not appreciate them 

he especially does not appreciate murder jokes about Jaskier 

Regardless of this, Cicero tries very hard to get Geralt to laugh when the three of them are out on the road 

he’s never seen him do anything more than smirk and “hmmph” in a way that he’s pretty sure was a laugh but isn’t positive on

he’s done countless jokes, no matter how well structured or not, desperate to get a chuckle, a smile, anything 

Usually doesn’t work, but Jaskier gets a kick out of most of em 

there’s some point in time where Cicero gives up on trying to kill Jaskier, for a couple of different reasons. 

One, Geralt Will Find Him. Cicero may have outrun Arnbjorn but he will not stand a chance against a Witcher. He knows this. 

Two, he’s found enough bloodshed travelling with these two to keep him contented 

Three - honestly? Jaskier is friend-shaped. He can never know about who or what Cicero actually is since saying anything about him would technically break one of the Tenets, but he’s helped Cicero out in ways he may never know

at some point, the trio are at a jarl’s palace, attending some celebration (prolly the “slaying” or Alduin or something to do with the Civil War, regardless if we’re taking Dragonborn!Geralt into account)

Jaskier gets harassed by someone, who claims he slept with their spouse the last time they were there 

Geralt steps in, tells em to fuck off, right

But Cicero’s watching from afar as the person leaves, and he walks over after they go with a grin on his face 

“Tsk tsk tsk tsk! Naughty, naughty, Jaskier! You ought to know better than to sleep with a noble’s lover! You’ve gotten yourself in a situation now, haven’t you?” 

Jaskier apologizes (kinda sarcastically, kinda awkwardly, not really sure where Cicero’s going with this)

and then the little fucker just hits him with

“Well… Geralt may scare them off for now, but… oh, what are you going to do if you’re alone, hmm?” 

his grin widens and he leans closer 

“Cicero could make sure they don’t come back. If you would like.” 

and Jaskier is just like “wat” for a solid couple of seconds before he realizes he’s talking MURDER

Jaskier appreciates and utilizes Cicero’s murderiness and you caN’T TELL ME OTHERWISE

HE IS A FERAL FUCKING BABY NOT AFRAID TO SEND THE LITTLE GREMLIN JESTER MAN OUT TO STAB A BITCH FOR HIM

AND CICERO THRIVES OFF JASKIER’S FERAL BABINESS BECAUSE IT’S A SIDE OF HIM HE NEVER SAW UNTIL NOW

and poor Geralt 

Geralt is very tired 

not only does he have to make sure Jaskier doesn’t get killed, he has to make sure Cicero doesn’t go out killing people himself 

the trio is often mockingly called the travelling circus by those living in the towns and cities they pass through 

Geralt knows Cicero’s Dark Brotherhood and caught on pretty early, but he actually doesn’t do anything, per se 

he keeps him in line as best he can when they’re travelling together - more or less makes sure he’s not killing people he shouldn’t be 

but he knows Cicero’s off to his own devices when he leaves to go do whatever it is he does before travelling again 

And, while he would NEVER openly admit it, he is aware the Dark Brotherhood is something of a necessary evil in Tamriel. From what he understands, they kill people, yes, but the ones they’re called upon to kill aren’t innocent people by any sense of the word. They’re slavers, they’re abusers, they’re corrupt politicians - the scum of the earth. Geralt (likely with a little bit of convincing from Jaskier if/when he finds out about Cicero’s true identity), tries his best to keep Cicero in line outside of the contracts he was once called upon to fulfill

I’m gonna leave it here for now and do separate interaction headcanon posts between Cicero and Geralt and Jaskier individually because this is a fucking huge text block but really tho 

i just fucking love the idea of the gremlin jester travelling with the gremlin bard and gremlin monster hunter. there is a chaos there that i’m thriving on

Wholesome Cicero Being Sick Headcanons

So i saw this headcanon post floating around about how Cicero would handle the Listener being sick, and today I figured “okay, buuut… what if Cicero was sick instead?” :0

Since he was likely horrendously malnourished during and after his time in Cheydinhal, and because he’s moving to a new province full of different strains of illness, Cicero gets sick. A lot. 

He hides it as best he can as he continues to do the Keeper boogaloo unbeknownst to his family, often to the point where he overworks himself and everyone is freaking out because he’s passed out on the floor again

Tries really hard to make it seem like he’s fine, especially when the Listener isn’t around at the time, because he doesn’t want to feel like a burden to anyone 

meanwhile he’s somehow paler than he already is and his skin is literally on fire

Sore throats are almost a guarantee because of how much he talks, and he hates whenever he gets them 

There have definitely been times where he’s worked his voice so raw to the point where he just physically can’t speak, and it’s torturous for him. How can he jest in a timely manner if he has to write down his jokes?!

Him being cared for is absolutely torturous for him, too

He’s used to being the one doing all the caring, and having it the other way around really throws him for a loop

Lowkey feels like he doesn’t deserve the care, honestly

He gets oddly shy asking for stuff, even if the person he asked was the one who offered in the first place, especially if it’s someone other than his Listener 

He just feels like he’s on thin ice with most, if not all of the family for how he’s acted in the past, and being in such a vulnerable state where he kinda HAS to ask makes him really uncomfortable

He swears, though, if he has to drink another one of Babette’s disgusting potions that’ll supposedly make him feel better, he will scream 

Just tiny ol Cicero all bundled up in a cocoon of blankets, holdin a bowl of soup

He tends to eat very little when he’s sick

He’s very antsy about getting back to work and usually insists he’s fine and can get back to what he’s doing, but if he’s severely ill and he knows? He generally won’t push it. But he has to be like… actually bedridden for him to get to that point.

If you thought he was cold before… buddy, buddy ol pal,,, this bitch freezin

it is the one thing he will complain about consistently when he’s sick

you could probably throw him in the fire place and he would still be cold 

Both loves and hates taking baths when he’s sick - loves it because guaranteed quality warm and temporarily unstuffed nose. Hates it because he knows he’s eventually going to have to get out at some point, and it’s gonna be Cold. Very Fucking Cold. 

Definitely doesn’t sleep well at all when he’s sick 

Like even shittier than he already does, unless he gets something from Babette to put him to sleep 

just a very restless boi 

Some cute stuff, because I want so

Gabriel:I want to be loved

Sam:*covers him with a blanket*

Sam:*brings candies, ice cream and a cake*

Sam:*hugs Gabriel tightly and kisses him*

Gabriel:*melts*

Gabriel:*gives Michael his phone, Adam is calling* Here, your boyfriend is calling

Michael: He is NOT my boyfriend!

Michael:*answers the phone* Hello, sunshine!

Gabriel:....

So in Rise there’s a small running gag where whenever one of his family members try to assume what Leo’s doing it cuts to him doing basically the opposite of what they’ve just said.

Raph: Hey! Where’s Leo?

Mikey: I’m sure wherever he is, he’s trying to save us

Raph: Leo probably talked his way straight into Big Mamma’s dungeon 

But the interesting thing about this gag is the reverse isn’t true, when Leo guesses his families actions he’s almost always correct in predicting their actions

Leo: Look I bet the only reason we’re here right now is ‘cause Donnie inputted coordinates 

Donnie: After inputting Shredder’s previous coordinates on the X-Y-Z and D for Donnie axis, I have calculated that this is the sight of our final resting spot

Leo: Mikey Razzed his Tazz

Mikey: Whip-o-Rama!

Leo: April finally used her crane license

April: ‘Why would you get a crane license April?’ BECAUSE THIS!

Leo: And Raph is going to put it all together in a plan to defeat that led head with this mystic collar 

Raph: Wow Leo that’s remarkably accurate 

Leo being able to predict his families actions to a near perfect accuracy shows his skill as a strategist & potential as a leader but the fact that the reverse isn’t true, that Leo’s family CAN’T seem to predict Leo’s actions to a almost humorous degree shows that while Leo has an understanding of his family, his family fails to truly understand him.

I just can’t stop thinking about the fact that Leo knows his family far better than they know him.

🏰 Gallifreyan Legends and Fairytales

Most Gallifreyans would have you believe that myths and fairytales are either historical records distorted by time or pointless escapades into fantasy. And yet, woven into the very fabric of Time Lord culture, legends persist—some as warnings, some as bedtime stories, and some as fragments of very uncomfortable truths.

Here are just a few of the stories passed down through Gallifreyan history.

📜 Lady Patience and the Paradoxica Cards

Long before the River of Time became what it is today, it was merely a small tributary flowing down Mount Perdition. The people of the Capitol had achieved great power, but they had severed their connection with the past and future. Their society was frozen in stasis—sterile, dying.

Lady Patience, a noblewoman, desperately desired a child. Every night, she searched for a wizard or soothsayer who could grant her one, but none could help.

Finally, she found a Stranger—a man working to expand the tributary of time. He gave her an old bag and told her to fill it with water from the Sea of Life. When it was full to the brim, she would find the child she sought.

But the bag had a hole. She tried to fill it, but the water ran out every time. For months, she tried, attempting to patch the bag, but the patches always fell off, spilling the water upon the shore.

With every failed attempt, something strange happened. The wet patches stiffened, forming cards, each depicting all of reality. These became known as the Paradoxica—cards that could chart the shape of existence itself.

She continued her task until the entire Sea of Life was drained. At its emptied depths, she found a child. And in that moment, the curse was broken, restoring Gallifrey's past and future.

🎴 The Paradoxica Cards

According to legend, Lady Patience's discarded patches became a tool of great power. The Paradoxica deck was said to:

Chart the shape of reality—some cards held the past, others the future, and some the forever-present.

Be capable of transportation through time and space—if used with the power of a TARDIS.

Induce amnesia or disorientation—especially in lesser beings with low artron energy. (Time Lords included, on occasion.)

They are exceedingly rare—but if you ever find one, be very careful what you deal.

🦢 Other Tales of Gallifreyan Children

Gallifreyan nursery stories offer a variety of explanations for where children come from:

🪻 Infants are found beneath gooseberry bushes at the bottom of Rassilon's Garden.

🕊️ The Great Gallifreyan Stork delivers them (though, considering Gallifrey's atmosphere, that's one resilient bird).

🧚 The Loom Fairy blesses certain Houses (or curses them, depending on perspective).

Of course, none of these stories hold up under scrutiny—but that never stopped a Time Tot from believing.

📕Cautionary Tales for Gallifreyan Children (and arguably adults, too)

⛓️ The Story of the Rock

Two Time Lords, traveling through a scorching desert, came across a massive red stone cube.

Chained to the rock was a man, thin, starving, his teeth sharp and yellow, his chains rusted with age.

'Please,' he begged. 'Come closer. Look at what's behind the rock.'

One of the Time Lords, curious, stepped around to the other side.

And vanished.

The other waited in the sand for a week, listening to the Chained Man's whispers. But they never gave in.

The first Time Lord was never seen again.

🦇 The Toclafane, the Watchmaker, and Other Gallifreyan Nightmares

I won't lie—many stories told to toddlers aren't exactly The Very Hungry Caterpillar, and many of these bogeymen actually exist.

💀 The Toclafane – A general term for scary creatures Time Tots were warned about.

🔧 The Watchmaker – A time-warping entity that exists to remove all time anomalies, including bringing death to Gallifreyans who have been touched by paradoxes.

🐦 Pandora's Ghost – The first Lady President of Gallifrey, executed via D-Mat dispersal, is said to haunt the Vaults. On Gallifrey, her soul lingers in the Matrix. On Earth, her legend became Pandora's Box.

🕷️ The Shakri – Live in an adjacent dimension known as Darkspace; they are said to exterminate species before they spread too far. Time Tots were told to behave, lest they attract their attention.

🌌 Koltroxa – The story of a being trapped drifting through time until she died of old age.

🧙‍♂️ Malador – the immortal, indestructible evil eventually imprisoned by the Ancients, who created an army of living statues called the Melkur. (Which, by the way, are still out there. Waiting.)

🧛‍♂️ Great Vampires – Gallifrey's history with vampires bleeds into their kids' bedtime stories, warning Time Tots of their terrifying power and their lifelong genetic obligation to kill them on sight.

🔵 Blue Fire (Mi'en Kalarash) – A Great Old One who lives in the 'wasteland between realities'. It stimulates a sleeping victim's limbic system and feeds on the artron energy produced by fear and nightmares.

🩸 Zagreus – Zagreus sits inside your head Zagreus lives among the dead Zagreus sees you in your bed And eats you when you're sleeping

➕ Others – Others include the Fendahl, the Fendahleen, Salyavin, the Krafayis, and the Weeping Angels.

🙀 Slightly Less Terrifying Stories

Thankfully, they do have a few 'nicer' ones by comparison.

🏙️ The Lost City of Altrazar – Said to appear once every thousand years in normal space on the planet Nirvana.

⏳ The Time Sprites – Legends claim there's one trapped inside every TARDIS.

🪱 Time Vortex Leeches – Said to hijack timeships and take them to their crew's lost lovers.

🌠 Higher Evolutionaries – Dimensional pioneers said to have woven the web of parallel timelines.

🌇 The Lost City of the Archons – A city belonging to the last of the Great Old Ones, existing in the Great Desolation.

👶 Humans – Some stories talk about the species 'wearing the skins' of Gallifreyans and abandoned Gallifreyan children being raised by humans.

📖 Classics – Gallifreyan children also know The Three Little Sontarans, The Emperor Dalek's New Clothes, and Snow White and the Seven Keys to Doomsday.

👑 Benncuig III – Possibly Gallifrey's only intentional children's author, Benncuig III wrote Lullabies for Time Tots, including stories about Rassilon and the story of Rassilon's Tower in the Dark Zone.

🏛️ What Do These Stories Tell Us?

Gallifreyan fairytales aren't just stories for kids—they're warnings. Warnings about curiosity, interference, and the dangers of straying too far from order ...

(Assembled from ROOG + TARDIS Wiki)

Whoniverse Facts for Friday by GIL

Any orange text is educated guesswork or theoretical. More content ... →📫Got a question? | 📚Complete list of Q+A and factoids →📢Announcements |🩻Biology |🗨️Language |🕰️Throwbacks |🤓Facts → Features: ⭐Guest Posts | 🍜Chomp Chomp with Myishu →🫀Gallifreyan Anatomy and Physiology Guide (pending) →⚕️Gallifreyan Emergency Medicine Guides →📝Source list (WIP) →📜Masterpost If you're finding your happy place in this part of the internet, feel free to buy a coffee to help keep our exhausted human conscious. She works full-time in medicine and is so very tired 😴

He needs a name

Whoops

Abuela Alma: What became more clear as you got older?

Bruno: Why the Grinch wanted to live alone with his dog.

if i had a nickel for every time castiel has stolen a straight couple's kid to raise them with dean as their own, i'd have two nickels. which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice.