Buying My Coworkers Lunch And Gifts As If This Is Stardew Valley And I Can Bribe Them To Be My Friends

TW: Suicidal Idealation

Am I the only one who feels doomed to die young? Like, when I think about my future, the only thing that feels right is me dying young.

BPD math: they said I can come "if I want" instead of "you should come" so that means they hate me and they wish I was dead.

~ Girls when they can never be as pretty as the others, no matter how hard they try ~

One minute you’re recovering so well, feeling like life is worth living and you are worth loving. The next you are alone again, feeling 13 years old and harming yourself, reminded of why no one could ever like you in the first place. I fear I will always return back to that person…

One of the saddest, hardest moments of your life will be when you are crying and screaming to the world pleading for a sign.

A sign that you should stay alive for one more day, maybe a couple of days.

But that sign doesn’ t come. You stare at your phone thinking maybe someone will answer or someone will text you asking if you’re okay. You search endlessly for some reason to stay alive but you can’t find any.

That is probably the most heartbreaking moment when you can’t find any reason to stay alive when you need it most because you suddenly feel all this pain and you feel more alone than you’ve ever felt in your entire life.

That moment will break you and I don’t wish it on even my worst enemies.

Having bpd is literally the worst thing ever. A mood swing can hit you literally anytime any second of the day. You’re literally at the mercy of this fucking illness. Does it care that two seconds ago you were having an amazing time with your friends? No. Does it care that no will understand why you’re frowning and sitting in a corner when you were literally laughing two seconds ago? No. It doesn’t give a fuck about anything or anyone. Not one thing. It just consumes you. And makes you hate yourself for being like this because there’s nothing you can do about it. Nothing.

When did this start? When did I wake up hating myself? When did I start avoiding every mirror I came across? When did I hate being in pictures? When did my smiles become forced, and difficult? When did I stop looking both ways when I crossed the street? When did I stop leaving the house because I hated the way I looked that day? When did I grow to hate myself so much that I did physical damage to my body? When did I realize I had to change my wardrobe to hide the scars? When did I start avoiding everybody that ‘loves’ me? When did I start wanting to leave this world? It’s been so long, I don’t remember.

Always end up back here when I need to feel something

When you reach the point where your planning your suicide but still no one even noticed you were struggling in the first place <<

Theres nothing more disturbing than being self aware while you have severe mental illness. Like I’ll be breaking down, bleeding out, about to off myself and then remember that normal people don’t do this shit and any sane person would go to the damn hospital.