TW: Suicidal Idealation

Kind of don’t want to have to be strong and keep fighting anymore just want to give up and give in im so tired

They should invent a new kind of Being Alive where it's not painful and it doesn't hurt constantly and actually feels worth it and you're happy for more than a few hours at a time

It doesn't matter how far I've come, how hard I tried or how much I gave.

At the end of the day I'm just a sad little girl curled up on her bathroom floor wondering why she can't ever be someone's first choice.

Wondering why it never got better like they all said it would.

being suicidal at a funeral is the weirdest thing ever.

thoughts be like:

damn this is sad. they say all those nice things… would they do that for me too? who would come to my funeral anyways? what flowers would they bring? what would the speaker say i did in my life if i never really did anything. i dont want to see my grandma cry but damn i want to be dead so bad but what a bad person am i? its so selfish to want that!

I think something that is tough about BPD is being in a relatively good place in life and still feeling the destructive urge to end it all.

some days i think i’m okay and some days i wish i was six feet in the ground

You know you’re fucked when……..you’ve accepted that your life will end by suicide, and you’re okay with it.

That is where I am right now.

I'm really annoyed rn and I don't want to actually fix my problems so vent post :P writing this to a certain person who doesn't actually gaf about me

You got mad at me for not taking care of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious that you chose to care now. What is it convenient now?

Why couldn't you care every time that I messaged you to distract myself from the pile of pills in my hands and the blade pressed against my skin. No when I needed you most what you did give was too little too late.

But now you care. Now you're mad at me for being dismissive of my health. I think it's fucking hilarious. Why would I care if I can't eat or drink without chest pains? I'm fucking suicidal! If my body takes itself out good for me! Then I don't have to do it myself.

You're worried sick about me but you don't notice or care that I didn't eat anything at lunch and I was shaking after. When you know that Ive had multiple eating disorders. Bullshit.

Goddammit if you were actually worried you'd listen to me when I talked instead of just scoffing at me when I tell you that no, I haven't scheduled a doctor's appointment. Cause doctors have failed me so many times that I don't trust them anymore and I told you this but you didn't listen. Because doctors are there to help you say. Maybe they help you but I've been let down time and time again. So yeah I hate doctors. I'm allowed to have an opinion even if it's different from yours.

Y'know I think it's really fuckin shitty of you the way you treat me. Even if someone I hated told me the things I told you I'd still look out for them, but you don't do that and we're supposed to be friends.

You're soooo fuckin sad when I tell you that I almost committed suicide once, but you don't notice the sad smile I give when people talk about suicide. When someone told a story about the dream they had about suicide notes I say there knowing I had mine written. They're fucking ready to go when I am. It's soo obvious that something is seriously wrong. I am showing all the signs.

You just don't care to help me

At least not in the way I need

You just wanna preach your bullshit so you can be the winner and the one who was fucking right. You don't care about what I actually need. No one fucking does. I'm so sick of lectures when I just really need a hug but I have no one I can hug without raising suspicion. And if I raise suspicion there goes my plans and way out.

Fuck this I'm so sick of it.

I would never do this to you.

No matter how many times my favorite person tells me he loves me I don't believe him. i can't believe him. I'm afraid of dying and not having ever felt truly loved. It's like there's a wall up in my mind that prevents me from thinking anyone could ever possibly love me. Because how do you really know?

you don't.

i feel like a doll sitting on a shelf waiting until someone wants to play with me in order to feel alive again