I Feel So Out Of Place

Having to explain to your fp that theyre your fp is the most embarassing shameful thing ever. It feels like revealing a secret that will make them leave. Because then they know you care about them. And if you want them so bad, they start to not want you anymore. But if you dont talk to them, they will never reach out to you. But if you talk to them too much, you will annoy them and they will leave. The paradox of BPD is so hard to describe and even HARDER for anyone who isnt BPD to understand. And all we want is true understanding and empathy. Its the most paradoxical illness on earth and you never know whether to hate people cuz they hurt you so bad or love them so intensely. But dont love them too much because then you will experience rejection. And dont avoid them because then they will just find a new person to be friends with. Living in the mind of someone with BPD is not only scientifically proven to be one of the most ACHING AND PAINFUL mental illness there is, the statistics for suicide attempts among people with BPD is 70%. 70% of us have already tried to end our lives because of the emotional torment. And 10% of us diagnosed (even more undiagnosed) have succeeded with suicide attempts. You cant be normal no matter how hard you try. You will never have normal friendships. You will practically fall in love with anyone and anything. You will fall in love with half your friends. You will be rejected by half those friends both platonically and romantically. You will never have a normal healthy relationship or marriage because of your jealousy, insecurity, and abandonment issues. We just want understanding and we can only get that from other people with BPD who we cant be close with because they also have BPD. Its so isolating. Its miserable. Lonely.

Idk if I’m just a loser with no friends, but being severely depressed and putting your phone on DND all day to see that nobody checked in kinda hurts lol. Maybe it’s just me.

I'm literally in an abusive relationship with myself, I constantly belittle myself, and put myself in situations intentionally to be harmed.

Every time I think about messaging or calling someone, I have to remind myself that no one cares. If they did you wouldn't have to be the one always reaching out. They'd probably check up on you by now.

i feel like a doll sitting on a shelf waiting until someone wants to play with me in order to feel alive again

am i the abusive one?

am i the reason so many people leave?

i am arent i?

i’m the problem

i always have been the problem

i’ll always be the problem

I never think it’s paranoia.

Does anybody get in that mood where if you don’t absolutely destroy your life in the next 5 minutes you’ll spontaneously combust