Love 2 Learn New Things

Apologies for the format and need to zoom, but I thought this response was wonderful

tavpdfw youre too afraid to express your honest opinion on something so you keep your thoughts as neutral as possible

Yes!

Partly, for me this is an autistic/HSP thing. When I’m talking to someone, I get so much social information from them that I have to interpret (body language, gestures, speech, tone, eye contact). And if I try to follow too many people’s reactions... I can’t process it. It’s totally overwhelming.

It’s easier if I know someone well enough to have ‘shorthand’ for it. So I can talk to maybe 3 relatives, or 1 stranger.

The other part is handling my own internal reactions and processing, which are all pretty conscious and not automatic.

Normal ‘communication’ stuff.

Did they understand what I just said? Do I need to rephrase or explain something?

Their emotional response.

Are they bored? Uncomfortable? Do they want to say something?

What do I need to do to make sure they’re comfy and happy?

My emotional response.

If someone is bored: oh my god insecurity. If I wasn’t totally sure I wanted to say the thing: reluctance and anxiety. If I’m having trouble saying what I mean and they’re losing interest: panic.

This weird sense that I’m ...responsible for their social experience, kinda?

Am I “contributing”? Which way should we go from here?

Like. One person of that is enough to handle. (And that stuff is worse with people I know really well, because I care more about what they think.)

Having this stuff spinning in my head is involuntary. But at least, if I’m in a big group, I can tune out the others if I pick one person to focus on.

Also, trying to people-please with more than one person -- when sometimes people want conflicting things -- and then, you’re trying to weigh whose approval is more important to you -- that’s just ... ugh, Doom Spiral.

a question for people with avpd

when you’re in a group of people, do you ever find yourself interacting with only one person in that group and ignoring the rest?

even if you’re comfortable with most people in the group individually, does that change if you come together as a group?

Hey, I just want everyone to know that what the world is going through is a legitimate trauma. Full on. It fits the “official” definition and everything. This is a traumatic event.

That means that it’s normal and expected to find yourself using coping mechanisms that you thought you were done with, to find yourself numbed out, to be on the verge of constant panic attacks, to be acting impulsively and compulsively, to engage in very old patterns, to have wide swings of every behaviour especially regarding sleep, food, and sex.

The research shows that people in a traumatic situation who most often develop PTSD (which I would say we are all at risk of) or have their existing PTSD/C-PTSD intensified are folks who cannot or believe they cannot do anything about it the trauma event.

So, if you are able, look for a place in all of this where you can feel that you can do something. Harass a company not doing enough for its employees, sign a petition, check in on a neighbour, set alarms to remind yourself to eat (it’s on my own to do list for today), intentionally spend time every day doing straw breathing to shift your sympathetic nervous system response. You don’t have to become some social media hero, or spend all your time improving yourself. But if you can find something that makes you feel like you can do something for yourself that decreases the trauma load on you, it will greatly benefit you going forward.

If anyone has any questions about this, my asks are open, or you can message me. (I cannot do any online therapy, I am happy to share information about trauma itself and any tools that I know)

It is okay to reblog this.

- Registered Clinical Counsellor, with 10+ years specifically working with trauma

The one thing you can control is how you treat yourself. And that one thing can change everything.

Leeana Tankersley (via psych2go)

Hi, I hope you dont mind me asking you, but do you know anything about agoraphobia caused by avpd? Bc I have avpd and am increasingly becoming more and more scared to leave the house, I cant go to school and yet I have to. Im not sure what to do

Hi there! Sure, I’ll share what I’ve figured out.

What is agoraphobia?

This word is often used for “anyone who doesn’t leave their house.” But it’s actually connected to panic disorder. It’s about avoiding panic attacks, or places it’s hard to escape from – where panicking would be especially rough.

People with agoraphobia feel unable to deal with (or cope with, or ride out) their panic and anxiety. Which is why instead, they try to prevent the attacks by avoiding triggers – staying at home.

So here’s how agoraphobia and Avoidant Personality Disorder are linked.

1. They both rely on avoidance, to the exclusion of any other coping mechanism.

Uncomfortable emotions – fear for agoraphobia, shame for AvPD – get the same solution every time: Avoidance. Anytime we feel bad, we avoid more.

If this goes unchecked, all other coping mechanisms gradually fall away and are forgotten. At first, avoidance seems like the only choice that works; later it seems like the only choice that exists.

This is how people get stuck.

2. They both involve anxiety reinforcement due to avoidance.

In short: The more you avoid something, the more you’ll fear it.

This is a huge part of basically all anxiety issues; it’s why anxiety tends to get worse and worse. Here’s a link (TW for eating disorder mention).

If you avoid something for long enough, doing it feels scary, even if it wouldn’t have been scary otherwise. (Ask me how I know!)

This anxiety builds fast, as soon as you start avoiding something. But luckily, when you start doing the thing again, it decreases quickly too.

3. They both result in withdrawing from the outside world.

There’s a definite tendency to stay at home – for AvPD, too. Why?

I think people feel more able to cope with things, when they’re at home:

There’s no extra embarrassment, no need to hide how upset you feel.

Access to most or all of your best coping resources (like distractions).

(for agoraphobia) Fewer adrenaline triggers – the arousal of your nervous system, which is interpreted/experienced as panic.

(for AvPD) Fewer situations where someone will try to connect with you, risking visibility and rejection.

So when you leave home, you have fewer coping resources to use, and you get more stressors to deal with.

4. They’re both about protecting yourself from an uncontrollable emotional experience.

With both disorders, there’s this terror of being defenseless to your emotions.

People with agoraphobia feel helpless to control their anxiety and panic.

People with AvPD feel helpless to control their shame when criticized.

There’s no way to buffer or shield yourself from what you’re experiencing.

You’re at the mercy of your emotions – they seem out of control.

Being unable to trust your emotions is actually traumatic. That’s why in therapy, one of the things people learn is how to cope with and tolerate their feelings. (DBT specializes in this! Here are some basic lessons.)

Components to think about:

Reliance on just avoidance, rather than a flexible variety of coping skills

Neglect of other coping skills, and other areas of your life/identity

Inertia due to anxiety reinforcement (more avoidance = more fear)

Stuff that seems to help:

Learn how to deal with your feelings. If you can, find someone who will teach you DBT, or study it on your own.

In particular, learn to cope with anxiety. For instance:

breath and relaxation practices,

“worst result, best result, most likely result” reasoning,

planning and preparing for likely outcomes,

reframes: “Today I am practicing. No matter what happens, I’m going to learn something from it. So even showing up is a win.”

Find and try lots of different coping techniques. Experiment!

But – you don’t have to choose the perfect method. Often, what helps you get clarity is the act of stopping to do some self-care.

Identify what your big stressors are.

Look for any adjustments or tools to make it more bearable.

Set aside time, before and after, for self-care.

Start observing yourself.

Don’t judge, just take notes about your reactions to things. There’s no good or bad data – it’s all just useful.

This is especially hard but especially helpful during a crisis. It gives you something to do & focus on – so you don’t feel as helpless.

Getting out of the house is so, so difficult when it’s something you haven’t done in a while. I’m in the same boat, and I’m still figuring it out myself.

Hopefully this gives you some clues about what you’re facing & what you need!

Much love <3

hey, remember how a while ago i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass and keeping yourself alive is endless drudgery? it’s been pointed out to me that maybe, here in 2020 with…all this…it’s the kind of thing that might be useful to people.

so hey! i wrote a book about how cooking is a pain in the ass. i literally called it cooking is terrible, and you can read a bunch of posts (mostly asks) about it in my cooking is terrible tag.

you can buy it through most ebook retailers, you can request it at your library, you can buy it on gumroad and amazon and kobo and a bunch of other stores, and there’s also a paperback on amazon.

i’m actually a pretty good cook, and i love a cooking project, but the day to day of having to eat (multiple times??) and do dishes and plan everything is just like. so much more work than i care to put into it. so i started making lists of things that you could do if you were literally only going to spend, say, five minutes in the kitchen, and ways you could cook that required as little equipment, time, and energy as possible.

it was partly written for my kid, and partly for me, and partly for anyone else who’s disabled or pressed for time or struggles with executive function or just fucking hates cooking. if you’re staring into the barrel of 2020 and only just barely dragging yourself out of bed, it’s for you, too.

also, it’s been marked down to $2.99 us on all the sites i can do it on, because i think it’s nice when we do things like keep ourselves alive, and i’d like for people to have a slightly easier time of that. 

Being Kind doesn’t mean becoming a complete pushover. You can be kind and have very clear boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable to you.

I honestly believe that people who lost their childhood, teenage years to mental illness and/or trauma are so strong for still being here. Especially once you’re about 18-25 and trying to relearn how to be in society and healthy and human.

Especially when you decide to work towards getting better.

Especially when your life isn’t where you wished it would be.

Stay alive okay? If you lost your youth, I’m sorry and I’m so proud of you for still being here. Keep fighting. Your best years are ahead of you.

The way you speak to yourself matters.