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TW - SA
I suffered SA by a family member when I was 12-13 years old and one of these days I was thinking abt it and couldnt understand why I didnt react faster, why it took me so long to just get away from this person
Then I realised that 12 years old me didnt have any idea what touch in a sexual way felt like, no one had ever touched me like this. I only knew what it felt to be touched with care and love or straight up anger. When it happened I didnt even have had my first kiss yet.
This realization helped me to forgive myself a little (it obviously isnt my fault, but shame and guilt are hard feelings to push away completely), but it also added a little to my pain. It feels like something was stolen from me. I never had the chance to slowly learn what being touched with desire felt like, to leran it in my own time, in a consensual way with someone I desired too. Instead I had my trust explored by a f-ing grown man whom I loved and cared about. And this will forever be my first experience with sexual ""affection""
I sit in the bathtub. Now I understand why girls keep the water scorching. I sit down, feeling the water scratch at my back like the dog of hell. Now I understand why the girls get pretty after saying ‘beauty is pain’. I sit under the shower head praying that it will burn every last cell off my body-be-rid me of the sins that occurred in the last few hours. As I sit under the burning water I finally understand. I can feel something, some morsel of humanity within the pain I’m experiencing. I almost don’t feel like a monster as I claw at my skin. As I ask the gods why. As I cry to myself hearing those words my brother told me. As I question why he did to me what he did.
- A. F. A. Makar