Didn't Say Goodbye?? Why??

Do you ever think 'how did I end up here?' Like you are in a maze and totally lost and it's all your fault because you were the one who made every turn? And you know that there are many routes that could have helped you out, because you hear all the people on the outside of the maze who made it through, and they are laughing and smiling. And sometimes you get a glimpse of them through the hedge. A fleeting shape through the leaves. And they seem so damn happy to have made it and you don't resent them, but you do resent yourself for not having their ability to work it all out. Do you? Or is this maze just for me?

The Midnight Library by Matt Haig

Suicide

As a child I really loved the idea of suicide and kind of glorified it in my mind. It seemed perfect in all ways, you don't have to suffer in old age, you don't have to suffer from the pain of any terminal illness. It was just like if things are not going well you can end things whenever you want. I always liked the fact that suicide gives you the right to end your life as per your wish and instead of someone or something having the ability to end you.

But now a lot of time has passed, I am an adult and very thankful that I found a reason to not do something so 'awesome' as suicide. Because now I am mature and has realised that the notion behind my glorifying suicide had no base. I have realised that Yes when we try to hang ourselves we are the ones to remove that stool from under our feet but the rope we use was given to us by someone else. In simple words we want to end our lives but only because of others and how they treat us, which is obviously wrong. One more thing I realised growing up is that like we got hundred reasons to procrastinate our work, we also got hundred reasons to procastinate the idea of suicide. And for me just a single one was sufficient to keep me alive and also to teach me how to love life.

Maybe you need more than one reason to keep up living but I know you have those reasons, so just find them and cling to it till you start loving yourself and the surrounding. If I can move on everyone can and you know if I would have opted for suicide back when I was a kid, maybe I would have never been able to face all those failures and then enjoyed overcoming them. Challenges don't make your life miserable but they make your life unique. Just like I love to wear a unique dress to a party, I also love having my set of failures and challenges which make my life unique.

Finally, when you feel like ending your life just cling to the 'some' reasons around you to live till the time you start loving your life. Because suicide is stupid and everyone definitely realises that one day.

Found the diagnosis to my problems...

Autophobia

Morbid fear of solitude, or of being left alone, abandoned or ignored.

P.S.: Solitude is often good but the rest are just dreadful.

I care

Sorry but I care

I know the anger on my face kills you

I know my rude ways make you sad

But do I have a choice

Every word I speak out of love you take for granted

Every thing I ask as a well-wisher you consider nagging

Yes the world exist and you need to bother about it

But how to explain that in front of that world I see you

Your pain and problems are my concerns

The worldly affairs don't worry me

I thought our relation was different and we shared a special bond

But every time you hide your pains you just break another chord

I know I am not the best nor I stand for you without rest

But yes I feel and your moods make a great lot of deal

Seeing people bother you, grieves me equally as it does to you

But just because I don't say doesn't mean I cannot feel you

You always think I don't care or understand

While in reality I am just confused how to take a stance

I don't know what to do because you never express your expectations

And when I share my expectations you just consider it insecurities

I know I am not what you want and I know I cannot be what you want

This is what aches me brings the anger to my face, the rudeness in my ways

Sorry for all of that

But I care is all I have

Sitting alone

Sitting alone I always miss the time I didn't need company

The time when I felt secure even when no one offered security

The time when without taking the effort to make friends I had a lot of them

I miss the comfort I got in my mother's arms

The time when she was just a room away and not, a call away

I miss the childhood mistakes

The time when irrespective of the kind of my mistake I was always forgiven

I miss when love was always around

The time when I didn't have to find someone who loves me

I miss when adulting seemed fun

The time when I didn't realize that independence can be a burden too

I miss when fulfilling our dreams was the biggest dream

The time when I didn't know how difficult it is in reality

I miss and I miss

But the most i miss is when i didn't have to sit alone

The time when even being alone i knew that I am not alone

No matter how early you read the poem 'The Road Not Taken' by Robert Frost, you are going to understand it completely only in your 20s.

Everyone has to make choices. Sometimes there’re only bad choices, all of them, each way you look it’s a sea of bad choices, and we just have to pick one, the best one, or maybe just any one.

- Things we lost to the water by Eric Nguyen

What feminism means to me?

Whenever I come across a new word, my first approach towards understanding it, is through the kind of words it is related to or the impression that word has on me. And only when I don't find either of it, I go for the dictionary. So, when I came across this word "FEMINISM" my basic approach told me that it is a word related to females and it's impression was that, it is related to some bigger cause. Therefore for a very long time the meaning of feminism for me was supporting women and their growth. But little did I know that this small word means something completely different.

Feminism as I now know is supporting equal rights to both the sexes. Yes, the meaning I earlier made out really seems correct because eventually females are the oppressed class and if we help them grow then the meaning of feminism will be fulfilled. But still this approach lacks the real essence. I mean personally I don't want a single place to give women preferential treatment, I don't even like the reserved seats in bus for women, because if you are reserving seat for women then why not you label the other seats as reserved for men. The truth is even if we ask the government to label the other seats as men's seat they won't, because it will make men look weak, it will make them look as the class of society who needs preference/reservation in such basic things, especially when they are "strong" enough to stand in the bus all through the journey (which they definitely don't do but they are strong enough). I think labelling seats as reserved for pregnants, sick patients and elderly is the correct approach. I don't know what you think but for me indirectly getting labelled as weak who needs support is not feminism at all.

I know that we are not biologically same, we have our differences and no matter what, they won't change. But when men and women can climb the same Mt. Everest, why can't they achieve the same respect in society. My question is why does a female manager gets less wages than a male manager, even when the man manages just his office while a woman manages her family and office together. I have heard people discuss greatly of single dads but a woman is always a single mom. I agree that time is changing dads are more involved now but still in most of the Indian households it is still the mother who is responsible for a child's health, education, upbringing, etc the only contribution dad's have is giving money and majority of women can earn that also now. Still I haven't heard a single person saying "she brought up her kid alone". So no appreciation at work or home for females, and that's precisely what needs to be changed.

There are so many causes which we take under the movement of feminism but in reality belong to the movement of humanity. Do you think domestic violence is something feminists should fight for or humanists should fight for? Like as a feminist I must have one approach that I don't care if domestic violence is considered correct but if it is correct then women should also get a chance and not be judged for beating up their husbands. Like that is what we are asking "equal rights". So for me it is something humanists should fight for and not feminists. I guess you would have understood by this description that there are so many things, so many instances and moments where we women are not even treated like humans. So, yes how can we jump on getting equal rights if we are not even getting basic human rights.

This is why the meaning of feminism is so blurry because we have to fight for basic rights first then only we can aim for equal rights. In all this, I am still against reservation for women because anyhow labelling us weak is not true to the essence of feminism. I am clearly against undermining the good men by accusing "all men". I am against not fighting those women who act even worsely than men and are the biggest hater of a woman's growth. So today and everyday I ask the world to treat me as they would treat a woman, but to end all differences between a man and a woman. I think most of the women, girls, females want the same thing.

In an ideal world I hope that all men and women are equally appreciated, supported and treated. I hope there are more scenarios where we act as humans and not men or women. I hope we could clear the gender boundaries at workplaces, public places and become more respectful of each other. We don't have to worry because all consider each other as humans respect each other's rights and existence. Most importantly we don't have to fight for basic human respect.

Sometimes it hits you exactly in your core. The realisation that you just not have that one person with whom you are never going to be angry, the person who gets your mood even before you realise, and someone to whom you can rant everything out.

Jim and Pam

I hate marriages I say

Because not everyone is lucky in Pam's way

It's hard to find love which never looks away

It's hard to get Jim who always stays

A person who knows that he is best for you

But steps away to let you choose

A person who always wants you to grow

No matter how many days you are away in a row

A person who accepts you all

The fierce you, the timid you, the clumsy you the beautiful you, the failed you, the successful you, and the complete haul

A person who can comfort you

A person who can love you

A person for whom your smile is a lucky charm

A person who is willing to let you sleep on his arm

A person with whom valentine's day fight also seems a plan

A person whose leaving is more painful than he being an angry man

Yes I want my children to know we are soulmates and it is no less than fairytales

I want to tell them stories of our dates

I don't know what else to say

But finding a person for whom you are not enough but everything seems like an impossible way