Gotta Hate It When The Hunger Gets So Suffocating You Just Start To Dryly Sob.

My brains is so funny cause it sees me in worlds not real, but struggles to acknowledge me in this one.

I feel like i need a change of environment. I love my mother, I like my room, it's lovely, spacious but still comfy, I like playing games with my parents once in a while, watching movies with my dad on weekend nights whenever I have the mental energy (I wish I had it more of the time), I love my pets, I like walking in my area, even when I have an absolutely horrible person living in the same house the other aspects are still so lovely.

But whenever I get home from school im just miserable. And I feel like I become the worst version (atleast one of em lol) when I'm miserable in this place. I need out and even tho I don't wanna leave in any way, I feel trapped. And sadly, genuinely extremely unfortunately, killing myself isn't an option.

Living alone is a fantasy for sure. I would barely buy food since I don't want to waste money and I don't deserve nor need it, but I would take my treadmill and dumbells with me so I can exercise the thoughts of hunger away. I could also cut and cry without worrying about being caught, to try to cope with my constant feeling of misery.

Just realized that one of the main reasons I binge is because I have nothing else to look forward to than food in my life. I don't even fucking enjoy it, but I have nothing else.

NOOOO!!! A GIRL IVE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH OVER THE MONTHS JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS AN ED. NOW MY BRAIN WILL AUTOMATICALLY START SEEING HER AS COMPETITION, START HYPERANALYZING EVERYTHING I AND SHE DO AND SAY AND ITLL START TO SPITE HER FOR BEING SKINNIER THAN ME.

My life has suddenly become so empty. It was empty before, but I didn't feel it. Now I feel it.

Nothing interests me, i can barely even malasaptive daydream anymore, not even scrolling on media is unappealing most of the time. I do nothing other than binging and fantazising about him and suicide, both things I year for so much but can't have. Both fantazises so unfilling.

I'm so miserable all the time. Being alone, just in my room used to be my fun time, my comfort time, the time I lived for. But now I'm just miserable.

I'm less miserable in school then at after it ends. My days consist of wishing the current moment to end. But the near future is never any less horrible since im stuck in a circle of agony. And I can't get out.

This is supposed to be the best time of my life. But I feel like this, how tf is life gonna be like in the future. Worse obvs cause I haven't gotten better since I was like 11.

I wish my parents didn't love, wish I wasn't aware that me killing myself would destroy them. Wish I could just end me existence, at the end of the day that's what I want the most.

Having the thoughts again Ughhhhh. I just ate aswell

My brain is my biggest enemy. I'm randomly sitting in school, not even hungry and then out of a sudden BOOM!! An extremely strong urge to skip the rest of the school day to go and buy junk and then just spend my day eating. I can just feel common sense flowing out of my mind, but I must resist lol

I feel as if ill never be able to escape my food addiction. I feel prisoned for eternity. I don't want to live like this, but its part of my whole being. It has fuzed itself into every fiber of me. The only way to escape it is to kill myself.

Purged for the first time in a very long time. So fucking vile. Can't believe 12/13 year old me would do this multiple times, every day. Girlie was tough asf, current me could never.

Just did my first cut of uni. Now I'm gonna play farm frenzy whilst trying to not burst back into tears. Hopefully I'll be stable enough to call my dad back after a few games.