I Cant Do This Anymore, I Just Wish I Could Die. I Will Never Be Able To Be Happy In This Body, I'll

In the morning my coworker asked if everything is okay, because my face was sad. I didn't quite understand if between the lines she was also telling me I shouldn't look like that bcs how it would look to customers. But I tried to smile more.

And now my mom got angry at me out of no where bcs like she said, I always look like im dying, whatever happens I look like I'm dying. She also said that life wasn't so hard which I agree, my life isn't hard. She also ranted some more but yh.

I guess I'll have to train myself to smile all the time. Idk how to tho lol

I am one unnecessary and out of nowhere comment about my eating away from completely blowing off at my parents.

atp im convinced im made to be isolated from others. when i dont have particularly friends i have no problem going to classes and going thru my days without much distress. i have no problems socialising during group tasks and i make small talk but thats all. but if i get talking to a person in particular, outside of classwork, thru messages it quickly becomes too much and it causes me distress.

I was not made to be happy, it seems to me I was made to be miserable. I've realized that I am unable to have fun like others, interact and feel joy like others, to see life like others, to enjoy things and activities like others. My face doesn't get that puffy even when I cry frantically for hours, the redness around my eyes always fades very quickly. Ironically it really is as if my body was made to be miserable.

One of my darkest secrets or thought, is that I wish, fantazise abt my parents dying. I actually don't want them to die, i love them so much, I want them to live happily till they're very old. But they are the thing that is stopping me from killing myself. I know it would destroy them, ruin their lives, I've already done that a bit being alive, I can't do it even more. I can't hurt them like that. But killing myself is my only true desire.

I simply can't be happy in my body, with this mind. That's why I want out, even when I won't be happy, I atleast won't be miserable, I will be free. I genuinely feel I am either not meant to exist at all or only meant to exist to feel miserable, both make me want to die either way.

I spend my nights wishing something would get better but it never does, it only gets worse. These are supposedly the best years of my life, what the fuck is the rest gonna be like that then. Worse of course lol.

I went to practice driving w my dad for the first time and when I came home it turned out we had a lot of bananas that were gonna go bad soon so I made bananabread out of over 30 bananas. Tried out like 5 different recipes. Only bad thing is I got work early tomorrow and I slept little last night aswell so tomorrow might be a hard one.

NOOOO!!! A GIRL IVE BECOME GOOD FRIENDS WITH OVER THE MONTHS JUST TOLD ME SHE HAS AN ED. NOW MY BRAIN WILL AUTOMATICALLY START SEEING HER AS COMPETITION, START HYPERANALYZING EVERYTHING I AND SHE DO AND SAY AND ITLL START TO SPITE HER FOR BEING SKINNIER THAN ME.

i’m looking for an obedient puppy boy who will unconditionally fulfill all my anxious desires

3rd day back at school/the dorm and I already binged

My graduation is in a few days and I look so fucking fat in the dress. I want to stab myself in the stomach thru that ugly piece of trash. I also looked deeply miserable and sickly whilst trying it on today, which would at least look pretty if i was skinny, but since im not, it just looks disgusting. Now I'll have to work 3 days whilst starving. Whilst there's also 6 different stress sources chewing on me.

Ohhh 😔

I long for a aub💖💖