My Graduation Is In A Few Days And I Look So Fucking Fat In The Dress. I Want To Stab Myself In The Stomach

Just realized that one of the main reasons I binge is because I have nothing else to look forward to than food in my life. I don't even fucking enjoy it, but I have nothing else.

The fact that I acc have to resist the thought about skipping school just go and buy food is wild, cause the school in question is a short, nice and actually useful.

I am such an overeater that sometimes when I go to the toilet at night I half consciously grab a slice of bread from the kitchen.

Today when I came back from work I found a half eaten slice of bread next to my pillow. I don't even remember taking it from the kitchen which makes me wonder how many times have I eaten during the night that I have no clue of.

Where can I find a man like that lol??

Many hours

I feel like i need a change of environment. I love my mother, I like my room, it's lovely, spacious but still comfy, I like playing games with my parents once in a while, watching movies with my dad on weekend nights whenever I have the mental energy (I wish I had it more of the time), I love my pets, I like walking in my area, even when I have an absolutely horrible person living in the same house the other aspects are still so lovely.

But whenever I get home from school im just miserable. And I feel like I become the worst version (atleast one of em lol) when I'm miserable in this place. I need out and even tho I don't wanna leave in any way, I feel trapped. And sadly, genuinely extremely unfortunately, killing myself isn't an option.

Living alone is a fantasy for sure. I would barely buy food since I don't want to waste money and I don't deserve nor need it, but I would take my treadmill and dumbells with me so I can exercise the thoughts of hunger away. I could also cut and cry without worrying about being caught, to try to cope with my constant feeling of misery.

I wanna thrift w someone <333

I want to lay his head on my chest. I want to comfort and coddle him even when he isn't necessary upset, I just wanna make him feel safe and comforted. I want to make him feel so loved it overwhelms him. Want him to realize that no one could ever love him like I do, be as gentle, make him feel as warm and safe.

My brain is my biggest enemy. I'm randomly sitting in school, not even hungry and then out of a sudden BOOM!! An extremely strong urge to skip the rest of the school day to go and buy junk and then just spend my day eating. I can just feel common sense flowing out of my mind, but I must resist lol

Why can't anyone love me like I love them. Like just matching a fraction of my obsession would be more than enough.

The thought of him haunts me. The desire to be near him, to be apart of his little friendgroup clouds my brain without my wish. Most of the time my brain can't help but to imagine my current situation in a world where my desires, or atleast a fraction of them are true.

But im still in my reality and the constant realizations hurt a lot. This is the closest I will probably get to romantic love in my life. A painful and overwhelming desire for someone I haven't talked to.