Latest Posts by denkeschon - Page 3

Pngs with words

CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON? 😔

There is a while since the last time I've been here.

Lately I can't really tell what day it is but I guess that's everybody who's actually following social distancing and quarantine.

So, I am deeply struggling with anxiety over my life. Thankfully, I have people by my side helping me out, people to tell me I am overthinking or just trying too hard to be perfect. I've been judging myself for not be working during this quarantine. I was working at least 3 times a week a studying everyday. Now I am just studying, what should be enough, if I wasn't so critical with myself. I want to be successful, I want to have a nice job, a nice degree, a nice house and everything for yesterday

That's anxiety, wanting to achieve everything now and at the first strike. I am extremely afraid of failing, I am afraid of engaging into something and not being able to finish or have positive results from it. However what I need to think is that every result is positive, even those that are nothing like we planned. Every mistake is a chance to grow, every bad day is a chance to be stronger, every anxiety breakdown is a chance to know how strong and focused you can be.

𝖗𝖆𝖙𝖘 𝖎

How did you decide to scientist? How you start works? And what did you do for that ?

Question: How did you decide to be a scientist? How did you start work? And what did you do for that?

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the morning is: Cinnamon from The Caster Chronicles!✧・ﾟ:*

Some types of people can deeply bother me,I won't talk about the ones that makes me feel angry but those who can make me perplexed.

PEOPLE WITHOUT GOALS

In my head the only thing I can't think when someone starts the answer to "what do you plan on doing now/this year/whenever?" with a "maybe" is: how?

How can someone be so "plan-free" or insecure about their own wishes that they can't answer it with "I will" or "I want to" ?

I might not know what I will for sure do, but I definitely have more than one concrete plan for this time in question. I might not know if the plan A or B will work but if know I have for sure a plan C or some variation of the previous ones. I don't know what I will be doing next year, no one knows, no one can predict the future, but I know what I want to do, what I'm working forward to do.

I don't like people without goals, without a single dream, without a plan. I guess it is due the fact I'm really obsessed with organization and planning everything, workouts, meals, tasks, etc. I try my best to keep an spreadsheet or some type of mental note of what I need to do or want to accomplish and I honestly don't know how people can live without doing so.

Are the rumors about the ozone layer being totally fixed true ? If yes , is it susceptible of being opened again ans if no, is it suspecte

The Painted Lady 🌙 this has always been one of my favourite episodes from season 3!

Gave me good feelings

✧・ﾟ:*Today’s magical girl of the afternoon is: Prisma Illya from Fate/kaleid liner Prisma☆Illya✧・ﾟ:*

I decided it was about time for me to write online about eating disorders and what it takes to truly recover from it.

How to do it? I don't know - yet.

I found myself again undereating And overexercising and somehow I found it to be disturbing. It wasn't my first time doing it, it was definitely not the worst I got. However this time I was older, not a teenager anymore, not as emotional about it and for my luck, I had Instagram.

Might be a good question to ask, how Instagram helped me? Showed me - since I was for a long time searching about diets and exercises- some bloggers defending something called 'intuitive eating'. And what is this? It is basically some women that, tired of suffering during their entire life from undereating and fighting eating disorders caused by what they called the "diet culture", decided to study about nutrition, most of them are professionals of the area, and then decided to speak to other woman about how society has convinced them to be under their set-point weight all for the sake of the "perfect female's body".

Most of them suffered, as I do, of anorex1a nervosa and put their bodies under an extreme stress. All the idea behind what they defend is not that complicated but I can't say I truly absorb it. I am indeed still trying to recover, still trying to eat what I want, to not worry about how fit I look and all that :good: stuff everybody already knows about.

One thing however, I found to be the most important point I got from them: society does tell woman to undereat, it does convince us that if we are not skinny and fit we are not -truly- enough, it does makes us believe there is the ideal body, the ideal BMI - this last one has a dark history on my point of view - and it does for sure put in our minds some crazy productivity standards when it is up to working out. At least, now, I know it is not ok to eat less than 1000 kcal, workout twice a day for 2h straight and weight myself almost everyday.

And that is might point about what it takes to recover from a eating disorder: recognize it, study about it and work on how you see and deal with food and your own body, accept and start to listen to yourself, not to the calorie's app or the fitness blogger that has an intense workout routine while eating only protein shakes and bars. You know what you need, honor yourself and your body. It is all a process but I am happy that I started it and I have people by my side that care and are helping me with it.

There is a long time since the last time I did anything recklessly. Since I can remember I have something, some problem, some idea, anything that I might have to deal with, occupying my mind and taking me from the things I like to do. Hobbies, I mean.

However, lately, thanks to quarantine, I've been able to do this things. I've been watching many movies, which might seem normal but I didn't used to do as much since I was too worried about getting enough sleep, working out, going to college, getting my driver's license and all of those ordinary things. I have, also, started to read a book or two, didn't finish any - you see, reading on the internet era is a little bit complicated. I've been definitely taking better care of myself. My self-esteem, my health, my relation with my family.

I found myself to be so deeply immerse on my daily life problems that I forgot how to be a living been, I was so worried about being "healthy", getting good grades this semester and doing my best to eventually have a future that I forgot about the present.

This quarantine has been - at least for myself - quite good. I've been more self conscious, could realize how I was without knowing suffering from an ED, could realize how my mom can be here now but since she is older might not be in here for much longer (let's give some 25years), could realize how your plans for the future might not happen and how you should find a way to enjoy what you have and what you can for sure have. I don't know, even if everything changes somehow, even if my plans of 6 months ago don't happen, I know, today, that I can adapt, I can change the course of my life and always be a new and better me. All I need to do is stop and look at myself.

Long time no see

Day 4 is celestial!! I really wanted to bring back my fav from last year’s mermay for this one!!

As infuriating as it is to see all the posts and screencaps on linked in and twitter and stuff saying “If you don’t be productive and do that project during this quarantine the problem is that you’re lazy”, there’s a lot of positivity out there saying to practice self care too, so it kind of evens out in my head.

What’s WAY MORE INFURIATING for me is that I WANT to write! I have a million ideas and all the motivation a writer could ever want, but I have to consistently keep putting it all on the back burner to focus on school which is charging ahead into finals week with my attention vaguely being dragged along as it tries to follow the butterflies instead, being jerked forward into and around deadlines just as I was about to catch up to the elusive pretty. 

“We are a way for the Cosmos to know itself”

Take all the time you need, we give you our full support! If you need to rant about anything there are always people available, and if you dont have an open ear to talk to my dms are always open! Try to not beat yourself up too much for taling a break, those who dont have the patience are inconsiderate and shouldn't have the right to read your work anyway, stay safe and remember we're all here for you :)

Thank you so so much for this💕 to know that there are supportive people like you and everyone else is really reassuring. It’s amazing to have such support and it’s made me feel so wonderful and warm☺️❤️❤️

I'm on a point that I don't know if I'm struggling with quarantine or struggling with life itself.

I was planning on doing the aupair, found a family, they live in a nice place to study on the area I want to work on, it would be nice, go a year abroad, study on a foreign University, come back and have a nice curriculum to get a nice internship on my area.

However, like always, something needs too go wrong and here we Are with quarantine, I don't know if I will be able to get the visa, the driver license and go to do the program.

Here I am again, rebuilding everything from the scratches, thinking on an plane b, c or d because it is regular on my life to the first or the second plant don't work out. So, ok, the aupair might not work so I must find a way to improve my life in here or try a different program, there is many options honestly but we always choose to surrender to anxiety.

Where the strength to be alive comes from?

I often see so many people being so happy about their lives. I was speaking to a friend whom called me morbid for talking about my wish for the death, and she was emphatic about how much she desires to have a long life, how many plans and goals she has for all those years of her life and how much she wanted to die at very old age.

The things is: I don't have that. I could die today, I wish I had died a long time ago, I never wanted a long life, I never wanted to pass my 30s and I often wonder WHERE people find all this will to be alive? Why do they want to live so much? What is so nice and happy about their life that makes them want to have a long life? I don't get it. I wish I did but I don't.

All I want is to all this pain to be over as soon as possible, and this painfull sensation that being alive causes me. I don't have joy or any desire about life that could even make me dream about dying at old age. I want to be gone as soon as possible.

At this point I guess it is important to comment I'm not talking about ending it all myself, I'm only wishing I don't have much more life spam around.

It is hard to be alone.

It is hard to do things by yourself it it is mostly hard to find a reason to keep going on when you're by yourself. I guess most of us pass our lives basing our happiness on other people. We put all our hopes and expectations of happiness and personal realization on other people.

"I am happy because I have you by my side"

"You are the reason why I am still going on and fighting for things"

"You are my inspiration"

It is never yourself. It is definitely never your own straight. How to change that?

Excerpt from a poem by Patrick Hart

I was thinking about you.

It is not that I don't think about you every single day of my life since I first fell in love with you, however I was actually thinking about you. Analyzing my feelings about you and how my life changed when I was with you and since you left my side.

I was wondering if this feeling, this necessity of having you by my side, this joy I feel when I see your picture and the pain on my chest when I remember the moments by your side, if all this feeling is actually real. I was thinking and thinking and at some point overthinking about this feeling. Do I miss you? Do I ever even felt this deep passion about you? Or do I only LOVED how you made me feel. How you made me feel alive and in love with life and how you truly gave me a reason to leave bed in the morning.

Was all this love for you? Or was all this love for how you made me feel alive? I miss you, I miss talking to you, I miss seeing you everyday but over all, I truly think I miss having a passion on my life.

gay pride cat

“This glass chest, and you, the war-hammer against it. Break me into shards and reassemble this heart into a mosaic you’d want to look at. I am a stray dog cowering in the corner of your room as if it is a safe place; what is this safe place other than the constructed ruin of the abuse I have become so familiar with? I drape my granny’s blanket over my entire body and call myself ghost. There’s comfort in thinking yourself invisible even when you can feel your entire body burning. The flames still lick at my veins, even today, where I only dream the worst dreams of that cage you kept me in.”

— THERE IS NO SAFETY IN HIDING // Haley Hendrick

Hard to consider a certain level of personal growth and improvement when you can't get over something simple as an affair. We do everything so fast, we get to know each other, we send everyday text messages, we fall in love, kiss, have fights, get apart, get back together, get apart again and one day end up not talking to each other ever again. However we miss each other, whisper a name, a word, a feeling, but we are too proud to send a message, to proud to say how much we miss each other and then we let it die but it is never actually dead, somewhere inside you can still feel it and some times you wonder about how could it be if it ever worked out.

You will never know because you don't want to try to go after the person, you don't want to risk yourself, to hear a 'no', to get a cold message, you don't want to hurt yourself and your memories, you rather let it be the way it is.

"It is better this way."

But it is not. It is just safer. You don't want to be rejected by that person you care so much about. That person you have so many warm dreams about and get lost on thoughts imagining a perfect life together. You don't wanna risk all of that.

You just let it die.