I Get This ALL The Time

People are always telling me I spend entirely too much time in the gym for someone who has no interest being a professional athlete, and like, I’m glad some of you had normal, well-adjusted childhoods or whatever, but some of us are out here fist-fighting our demons, so why don’t you mind your business, Trevor?

Now I can’t stop thinking of a vampire politely knocking on the bedroom window of a house whispering “can I come in please?”

I was thinking about how vampires need permission to enter a home and then immediately thought: Damn, vampires would make really bad house burglars.

With the way 2020 has been going, this sounds more like a prophecy at this point, and honestly I wouldn’t be surprised

There were oddly shaped giant squids who could hijack the human neural system. That’s why going around at night outside the gates of my campus alone was deadly. I had to leave, though, because it was better than the ghosts and whatever else I had accidentally set free from under the school floorboards previously.

Promise?

Temples are built for gods. Knowing this a farmer builds a small temple to see what kind of god turns up.

You know what? Screw future cultural relevance. I want more songs that are immediately dated by name dropping technology. Give me early 2000s songs talking about calling people on your Motorola RAZR flip phone, allude to how much people are going to love your song by saying the CD will be so worn it’ll start skipping, tell me to turn the volume up on my Walkman, give me cultural flashbacks damn it!

*Classical music intensifies*

Life is a stage play and everyone has a script but me

Kids these days don’t know how easy they have it with their internet and cellular phones and the absence of regular tiger attacks