Ok Jirais

Getting flashbacks to when I genuinely was convinced that I there was a chance I had some form of a Bipolar Disorder except I now cannot tell if it’s Bipolar or BPD that I exhibit the most symptoms of.

I was doing one of those tests for BPD symptoms out of boredom/curiosity and my attitudes aligned a little too much with some attitudes found in BPD.

Here’s the test I did btw<3

I’m very much aware it’s just a little test done for shits n giggles but Idk I remember taking like 10+ different tests for bipolar and being worried because they all came out with the same results.

I backed out of telling a professional about this because my mom convinced me by that point that I’m probably overthinking and that It’s probably a piss poor mix of having an emotional form of autism & severe depression.

Now that I’m coming back to this.. Idk I’m still not sure what to do.

The only thing I know is that something is wrong with me(what a shocker). It’s a matter of what the hell it is that’s wrong with me.

Slowly coming to terms with the fact that I am physically incapable of doing anything anymore.

I physically am struggling to do so much as wake up and do simple mundane tasks like brushing my teeth, doing my hair and taking a fucking shower.

I’m debating on just saying fuck it and stop putting effort into my college work. It’s not like I’m going to pass anyways because no matter how hard I fucking try and push myself, I’m met with the same dead end results. I didn’t even want to go to college anyways. I’m only sticking around for the money, and I’m not sure if it’s even worth losing my sanity for.

What happened to me? I used to be such a good person and so happy and optimistic… if there even was a point that I was like that. Now I can’t even bother mustering up the energy to do so much as text someone or do something that I like, which is ironic because I’m the most self indulgent person I know.

Idk just… let me rest.. maybe for a million years and pray that no one will be alive by then so that I don’t have anymore responsibilities or worries to put up with… I’m so fucking tired.

You ever feel like you’re just not as connected to anyone like you were previously?

Like you’re close with a certain set of people in the sense that you’ve known each other for so long and you’ve been through a lot with them, but you aren’t close with them in a sense that you can have a conversation and not let it die within a minute of talking.

This is how I feel everyday.

My friends, family, everyone. I feel connected to no one anymore, and the loneliness is actually starting to kill me deep down. Each day that passes, I feel myself becoming more and more clouded and desperate to feel at least a little closer to someone.

I’m tired of having these fantasies and other delusions that I am famous and loved and accepted like I want to be.

In fact, I’m hopelessly scrolling through stupid dating apps silently praying that I can get a connection with SOMEONE and maybe feel something other than numbness and guilt, but so far I’ve had no luck.

The internet is all I have, and if I were to lose that.. I think a part of me would die.

WARNING:

POSSIBLE NSFW & SH MENTIONS

I just got a message from I think a bot or maybe a scammer trying to get me to be his sugarbaby or something like that.

I blocked of course but it got me thinking…

Even if it wasn’t a ploy or something I just wanna say:

Bitch in what world am I sugar baby material?😭I’m a hopeless, fat virgin who cuts herself to cope with stress(which doesn’t even work anymore), can’t maintain a healthy friendship to save her life, and will throw a hissy fit when things don’t go exactly as she wants it to go.

I struggle doing minimal tasks such as getting up in the morning, brushing my teeth and taking a shower.

I spent the last two days doing absolutely nothing but sleeping and scrolling on my phone, praying that I get more online attention.

They say people are complex but if I were a rubix puzzle i’d be a fucking dodecahedron.

I’m a mess and I wear that fact on my sleeve.

I doubt that I can handle a relationship, let alone a transactional one.

Hey so sorry about my week or so absence.

The truth is that I was in a mental state of absolute limbo. I was so depressed and generally low energy that I lost a lot of motivation to do literally anything.

I stopped talking to people, barely went out or payed attention in classes, and kinda abandoned the blog as a product of my growing apathy towards… well everything.

Although I do feel better now(somewhat), I do feel very guilty. Not only will I probably fail most of my classes, but I feel like I’m just driving a wedge in all of my relationships to where I feel like I don’t have any connection or attachment to them anymore.

But hey. At least I got my monster energy. 🤷‍♀️

Fuck Gyaru vs Jirai discourse I want a cute Gyaru at my door in 10 seconds and if that doesn’t happen I’m gonna throw a fit.

I bring a certain "I like hurting myself" vibe to the function that other people don't really like

People ask me “what are your future plans?” And I will say “I’m taking it slow and time will tell what my future will have in store”, but actually that’s just an excuse because if I said that I don’t think there’s a future for me and I’ll probably be dead before I can decide on a proper decision, I’ll most likely get criticized for it.

Born to be a heavenly concept forced to be a deadbeat mortal.