I'm Working To Make Myself Better.

i apologize for even the smallest things like i always do. it's just part of how i am i guess

at least not only to me

i'm sorry to everyone involved i hope you know

God I’m pathetic. You were right there in front of me and I cowered away. Even now when I know how you truly feel I’m afraid to even be seen

I saw you in that stairwell of x’s.

I couldn’t tell if you wanted me there or if you wanted me gone.

I’d be happy if we could just talk again.

and yet i would have shoved it at you and ran away because regardless i want you to be alright

ill be fine, i already found ways to be okay.

focus on yourself right now. please.

you're the one who needs support, and i hope you're getting enough from everyone.

the reason i've been running away from you is because i hate seeing how you look at me these days.

i hope that soon, you'll be able to look at me normally again.

fighting for my will to live rn

on the upside I got more VA work and my grades are decent and my brothers are talking to me more

on the downside i ruined my relationship and friendships, i constantly feel like crying, i still haven't even had a chance to stop and process my recent trauma, and these fucking wings wont go away or stop hurting. At least last time they started hurting they were my normal ones. these ones feel different and idk if this is a new kintype or something since I have felt this before but I REALLY don't need this rn especially with everyone around me.

ugh maybe ill leave it up to a coinflip like the last hard decision i made

I don't need a coinflip actually I control my own fate

At Walmart because my mom found me on my walk and brought me an iced coffee and talked me through all of my problems and reassured me and for once we had a conversation without any arguments.

Oh here’s a quote from her by the way

“You’re very gifted at building worlds and personalities”

She meant that because I’m a writer but she doesn’t know that’s my entire life story

At least I’m being myself now, not that that’s working

tumblr is like heaven for those who belong in hell

Bleeding into unbroken shoes feels like a crime. Scraping arms against ledges I shouldn't climb. These are things I should have hidden too. Because all they did was get to you.

...I'm sorry.

hey don't worry about that dumb coinflip post irls ok I've just removed the part of me who thinks about that and it won't come back.

Ik you wouldn't want me to get hurt so i wont. This doesnt just apply to you btw it applies to them and anyone else who might be looking out for me.

And if it seems like im only getting better for your sake, you should know I'm getting better for myself as well as everyone else. even if you didn't worry about me i'll still improve

I'm in a really good place right now and now I just need to wait it out because I'm sure you need more time.

don’t feel too bad. at least i can flex my invulnerability to having my arm twisted like a motorcycle handlebar

im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im srry