Romantisized Borderline.

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.

Oh, to feel unlovable...

.

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

seeing other cluster Bs with only a platonic favorite person/attentive person/exception/equal person makes me so happy. RB if youre a cluster b with a platonic Favorite Person/Attentive Person/Exception/Equal Person!! you are so valid

"Your trauma makes you stronger"

No, my trauma gave me depression, quiet & self-destructive bpd, anxiety, insomnia and a inner child that desperately wants to get healed.

Scared of being alone, only pleasing other people desperately trying to have friends, to not be the outstander.

I was a child. I wanted to be protected by the persons that hurt me. I wanted their help & their love. And now I am the person struggling to accept care even though I want it because it makes me feel trapped & dependent. I am the person struggling to show love.

The World of Black & White thinking.

The World of a person with Borderline.

No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.

Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.

Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.

No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.

But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.

But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?

God, I wanna love someone so bad.

I wanna give them all of my time.

Text them during every single minute i can steal.

Cuddle them to sleep,

Caress their face,

Stroke trough their hair,

Binge-watching with them..

Someone who doesn't get annoyed.

Someone who gives me the same back.

Fuck Sex, i just wanna feel worthy for more.

I wanna feel loveable. I wanna feel seen.

I wanna feel them.

I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-

I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.

Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.

I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)

When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.

Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.

They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.

My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.

I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.

Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?

I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.