Romantisized Daddy Issues/father Complex.

The thin line between

Being emotionally so drained you can't feel shit anymore but you rationally know it will pass and you love them

And

Knowing you love them but not being able to feel it so the bordi tries to convince you that you never loved them and you should push them away

But

As soon as you meet up again you can feel the love and warmth again and realise you really love them so you get really scared again to loose them

Only to

Spiraling into this endless, toxic circle of "I hate you, please don't leave me"

Those feelings of “every time i want its wrong” and “every time i have a desire its a burden” and “every effort i make is somehow draining to you”

I asked a friend who is a sociopath (diagnosed with ASPD, he refers to himself as a sociopath which is why I’m calling him that) what love feels like to him and how he knows when he loves someone.

I loved his answer. He said “Routine. If they are a part of my routine and feel familiar and comfortable and I would feel like something is missing if they weren’t there, then I think I love them.”

I have bpd with ASPD traits and I think his answer was so cute. I think that is what love is like for me too but I’ve never heard it so succinctly explained, perfect summarization.

We love the feeling of permanent panicattacks

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

Maybe I should just give up and let them take me into psychiatry. I don't fucking care anymore anyways.

Thank you for your constructive criticism Unfortunately, I have been sent into a rage which I will not mentally recover from for three to five years

"We need more mental health acceptance and awareness!" Y'all still call ppl with cluster b disorders evil 💀

"We need more weird people!" Y'all COMBUST when someone is xenic 💀

"Healthy coping mechanisms are important!" When someone age regresses, you call them creepy 😭

"More people need to be proud of who they are!" When you see a furry, you cry 😭

(U should totes follow me if ur a supporter of these so I can b on the good side of tumblr XD /nf!)

BPD culture is getting way too attached to someone bc they showed you a little bit of kindness, and the moment they do something that upsets you, suddenly you hate them… but you never want them to leave, how dare they, they’re the worst, please come back- don’t leave me- go away! I hate you! I love you i can’t live without you…

.

"Stop using your bpd as a excuse." excuse? if you want this shit, here you go. how can i explain these personality changes when not with my PERSONALITY DISORDER?

i just try to fucking communicate i`m sorry i really am. but hey, your words kinda work as a punishment thanks for the trigger because i am fucking sorry.

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3