We Love The Feeling Of Permanent Panicattacks

Episodes

First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,

Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.

They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.

until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?

because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.

But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.

How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.

so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.

Its just to much.

Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day <;3

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

I don't need you.

(Please hold me and wipe my tears.)

Its easier to live for someone else than just for me.

The World of Black & White thinking.

The World of a person with Borderline.

No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.

Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.

Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.

No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.

But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.

But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?

BPD culture is WHO THE FUCK AM I

.

Those feelings of “every time i want its wrong” and “every time i have a desire its a burden” and “every effort i make is somehow draining to you”

Maybe I should just give up and let them take me into psychiatry. I don't fucking care anymore anyways.

I'm sorry for being who i am