I Don't Need You.

Can you help the hopeless?

Well, I'm begging on my knees

Can you save my bastard soul?

Will you wait for me?

I'm sorry, brothers, so sorry, lover.

Forgive me, father, I love you, mother.

Can you hear the silence?

Can you see the dark?

Can you fix the broken?

Can you feel my heart?

Can you feel my heart?

I'm scared to get close, and I hate being alone.

I long for that feeling to not feel at all.

The higher I get, the lower I'll sink

I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim.

---

Love this song. Its my comfort song since years, seemingly to perfectly describe how i feel.

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

Real

why can’t we know if a person will stay forever, it’s such a tormenting thing to not know.

Like please stay with me till the end, i will do anything for you.

hurt me, make me cry, make me suffer

but oh god, please don’t leave.

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”

.

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

seeing other cluster Bs with only a platonic favorite person/attentive person/exception/equal person makes me so happy. RB if youre a cluster b with a platonic Favorite Person/Attentive Person/Exception/Equal Person!! you are so valid

🤣😑🤷‍♂️

"mental health matters!" until your screaming and crying in the early hours of the morning over losing something as miniscule as your phone charger. but the reason your crying isn't actually about the charger, or your favorite pen you can't find.

little things add up.

I had a fp from 2020 to 2023-

I wasn't diagnosed back then. They never knew how much and bad they managed to trigger me in the last year.

Anyways, i never had a episode infront of them except going all silent.

I thought our friendship would have ended, as with 2024 i started to only visit the stables (where we had to meet every day normally but due to stress i made with them the decision that they would take care of my pony until I finished apprentice.)

When i felt.. okay, not stressed, not bad, not extremely tired.. of course I started to have a better mood at the stable since then.

Since a long time i call them in the mornings to wake them up so they don't oversleep and still do, but, fuck.

They are so fucking nice to me again since 2024 began and we stopped seeing each other everyday, since I wasn't forced to go to the stables anymore because i don't have to feel guilty because of my pony even though I really love it.

My ex fp is so nice to me again i can't handle it 😭 especially every morning on the phone.

I don't know how to work with this & this feelings.. they are still able to trigger me badly too.

Why is that so fucked up? What should I do?

I am scared. Also i want it to stay like now. BUT IT SCARES ME.

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.