If You Are With Me, Only Me, Giving Me All Your Attention, Its Like A Sun In My Head.

Episodes

First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,

Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.

They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.

until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?

because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.

But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.

How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.

so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.

Its just to much.

Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day <;3

Romantisized Borderline.

If you have bpd this may triggers you!

Why the fuck would people even do that?

"I wan't a borderliner as my significant other."

No you don't. Its hell for you and for them.

You want someone who is absolutely obsessed, to the point just a wrong breath make them think you hate them.

You want someone who's probably is suicidal, self-destructive and self harming? "I can fix them." No you can't. Neither i think you can stop them.

You want someone that is extremly lovingly and affectionate only to become distant, ignoring and maybe even offensive in a eyeblink because they got triggered into Splitting or rage?

You want someone that probably feels offended if you need time for yourself or do spend time with your friends and don't answer your phone.

You want someone that may shouts and yells in one moment, only to cry and feel guilty in the next moment, maybe begging you to stay?

You do realise that its not just from time to time, but every fucking day? If they have a bad day's maybe even hourly moodswings?

You want just to help them? Thank you, but that's not your task in a relationship/friendship. Take care of yourself because the chance that you just ruin yourself is high.

Fuck, imagine cuddling in bed in a comfortable silence, they overthought something and suddenly push you off, just because a single though.

Wanna know what the worst is?

Maybe you noticed that I am extremely aware of my bpd. But that doesn't mean i can change, or fix myself. Because with the sudden overwhelming emotion, my mind is drowning in things like selfhate and that everyone will leave, no more awareness or control. I think its like that for many borderliners.

Please don't romantisize something people are suffering from. Thank you.

Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) 😭

Someone stop me i'm broke.

Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~

Thank you for your constructive criticism Unfortunately, I have been sent into a rage which I will not mentally recover from for three to five years

The urge to rip out your arms during derealization.

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

Something that definitely isn't talked enough about as a symptom from many borderliners are Hallucinations.

I myself have auditory hallucinations. Its really weird but luckily not scaring me yet.

Who am i?

(Just a little vent, TW a single mention of selfharm and suicide in the end.)

In one moment i feel nothing at all, i found comfort in it.

Then, someone talks in another voice, and my mind gets crashed by selfhate and believing anyone is fooling with me. That often triggers Splitting, rage or depression.

No matter wich bpd episode; boredom, euphoria, anger, sadness, frustration, Splitting, lovesick, anxiety, dissociating, overthinking..

In big crows i am always on fight or flight.

Every single one feels so wrong, so different. Overwhelmingly and unbearable, causing my body to hurt and feel so weak.

Afterwards my mind feels so dead, guilty and ashamed. Like i don't think at all but still think so much if somebody can understand that.

If people ask what my Traits are, how could i say 'caring' if only care in a few of these episodes?

How can I say I will always listen? I really want to, but if I am in episodes i can't listen anymore.

What can i tell them, what wouldn't get destroyed by a episode?

What can i tell myself?

The only thing that stays with every damn episode is the thought of suicide or selfharm. But that's something rarely someone I meet will ever find out.

I know, I am more than bpd. We all are more than this illness.

Yet, from time to time i can't help it and ask myself, who am I.

Take care <3

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.

Its easier to live for someone else than just for me.