The Urge To Rip Out Your Arms During Derealization.

So am i the only one that gets more and more (silent) panic attacks when i get emotionally extremely tired like tired to the point it physically affects my body.

Feeling weak, nimbs going numb, dizziness and headaches, stomach pain, things like that I mean.

Probably also a thing that more people should talk about mental illnesses since just because you can't see something there isn't nothing. Most illnesses begin without a visible characteristic.

But at the same time, if we try and talk about this were just lazy or imagining things.

But why? Like (normally) nobody is questioning if you really have a headache or stomachpain or things like that but if you say "its because my mental health." You can't be sick just because they can't relate/understand.

The World of Black & White thinking.

The World of a person with Borderline.

No grey. No purple, nor blue or Red.

Its just Black or White. Liking or disliking, loving or hating.

Perhaps, i call you my light. Oh, The love i feel for my light can feel so beautiful and warm. Go on, cheat, hurt me, break my heart. As lang as you are my light, i dont care. Just make me feel loved and cared for. I will do anything for you.

No matter how selfdestructive i will end up, oh i love you.

But if The light dies, and youre just a Black hole.. oh, i hate you. So much it hurts. I remember everything you did wrong and now i use it against you.

But what about tomorrow? Will you be my light again?

I am sorry for ghosting my friends. I am just not feeling good. Not at all.

If I finally answer them, most of them answer immediately. Why can't I be thankful for that? Because in that moments i am like "ugh now you have to also answer immediately."

Whats wrong with me? I really like most of them but i can't help it.

I want to leave this world, honestly.

people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

Since i got my first tattoo i wanna have more (impulsive ones) 😭

Someone stop me i'm broke.

Plus, I found to much comfort in that pain oop~

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

I asked a friend who is a sociopath (diagnosed with ASPD, he refers to himself as a sociopath which is why I’m calling him that) what love feels like to him and how he knows when he loves someone.

I loved his answer. He said “Routine. If they are a part of my routine and feel familiar and comfortable and I would feel like something is missing if they weren’t there, then I think I love them.”

I have bpd with ASPD traits and I think his answer was so cute. I think that is what love is like for me too but I’ve never heard it so succinctly explained, perfect summarization.

Real

why can’t we know if a person will stay forever, it’s such a tormenting thing to not know.

Like please stay with me till the end, i will do anything for you.

hurt me, make me cry, make me suffer

but oh god, please don’t leave.

bpd culture is daydreaming 24/7 as a coping mechanism and wishing i could just sleep forever already

.

Oh, to feel unlovable...