The Difference Between My Feelings Towards "If We Were Villains" And "The Secret History" Is Completely

"How can I ignore depression when it comes to hugs me when no one else did?"

~ Me, at midnight, while taking a shower.

I was rewatching BSD season 1. I had forgotten how close Dazai and Atsushi were in the early seasons. (We need an emotional reunion)

Dazai: I have only known Atsushi for a day and a half. But if anything happened to him. I would kill everyone in this room and then myself 😄😃😀

I feel like Fruits Basket had a missed opportunity to write a great arc for Yuki instead of him ending up with Machi. And I LOVE Machi and their romance is really cute but I didn't feel satisfied with that ending for Yuki.

When I first watched Fruits Basket I was sure that Yuki was supposed to be queer-coded and his arc about self acceptance and love was him coming out of the closet.

The reason for that is because of the way Yuki is constantly presented and the way he reacts to other people.

Yuki always gets mad at Kyo for calling him "girly boy" or "pretty boy".

He tries to put up at tough persona to try to appear more masculine.

He has a fanclub with both girls AND boys crushing on him.

Whenever he "flirts" with Tohru it would come off as awkward (I know it's because he considers her as his mom figure but still!!! And yet he has some unspoken rizz when it comes to flirting with guys tho)

Even his dislike of Ayame and not wanting to be like him was kinda him not wanting to come out of the closet (Ayame also gets a last minute love interest to make him more hetero. I thought he was definitely not straight)

It just made sense to me this was going to be his arc. Especially since Fruits Basket is sooo good at depicting emotions. I thought Yuki's arc was him overcoming his hatred of that part of himself and essentially coming out of the darkness that Akito had made him live in.

When the Student council members were introduced I thought Kakeru was going to be both a foil AND a love interest for Yuki. They just had that dynamic and chemistry that made it seem like Kakeru would change Yuki and help him understand his true self and feelings. I thought Machi was the quiet/ weird side character that would have a similar role as Kimi (comedic).

Then the whole Machi x Yuki happened and I was proven wrong. I didn't hate it but....Kakeru and Yuki just had so much growth in their friendship, I couldn't help but ship them.

I would have been happy with even a Bi-Panic moment for Yuki with Kakeru and Machi (who are both half-siblings)

Yuki just had the perfect personality and backstory for a good coming out arc but it never came to be.

(Ps: I am NOT hating Machi and Yuki's relationship. It's just that Fruits Basket had many opportunities to have gay characters but didn't commit to it)

*Dazai losing his mind over Fyodor being alive*

Chuuya: boy you gotta chill, we can catch him again

Dazai: we NEVER caught him in the first place!

Chuuya: Don't worry we will find him and catch him this time. The rest are fighting too they'll be okay.

Dazai: I CAN'T STAY CALM RIGHT NOW CHUUYA

Chuuya: who are you so worried about??

*sometime in the past*

Dazai: why are you always worried about things, it's not good to be this anxious

Atsushi: it took me a long time to find a family, I feel scared of losing them

Dazai, caught off-guard: losing? You will never lose us. We are the sticking kind

Atsushi: what will I do if I am alone ounce again?

Dazai: if it makes you feel better even if everyone else is gone, you will always have me

Atsushi: Dazai-san!!!🥺

*present time*

Dazai: CHUUYA WE NEED TO GO BACK TO JAPAN RIGHT NOW, someone needs me!!!

Chuuya: geez okay, let me hijack a helicopter first

Nikolai: I can take you with my ability

Dazai: what are you doing here right now???

Nikolai: I was taking selfies with Dos-kun's hand *waves the hand*

Chuuya: you're going to Japan too?

Nikolai: I need to meet the love of my life

Chuuya: you mean your enemy?

Nikolai: it's the same thing

Dazai, to himself: don't worry Atsushi-kun I'll come back. Stay strong. Kunikida will be with you until then.

You know something's wrong when LWYMMD, Anti Hero and Mastermind is your entire personality summed up.

Do people really think that skk hate eachother?

After the fight with Lovecraft, we have a scene where Dazai smiles at Chuuya; this is one of the only genuine smiles we ever get from Dazai. Most of the time he is playing up a facade and he is very hard to read but he always seems to smile more genuinely when he is around Chuuya, especially when Chuuya isn't looking at him.

What I think those two have are very complicated feelings that haven't changed since they were 15-18.

Skk never got to be friends, they were always partners, "Double Black", Port Mafia's prodigies. They didn't get the chance to just be kids and see the better sides of eachother, their relationship didn't grow organically over the years but became stunted at a time when both of them were only teenagers. Thrust in an environment where there's not much positivity, Skk were always at odds because of their clashing personalities and mutual dislike (and their similarities)

I don't think that dislike ever became hate. I think they did become closer as the years passed, but then of course Dazai left.

While saying Chuuya was sad when Dazai left is a way to show their care for eachother. I would say, Chuuya was REALLY angry when Dazai left (that's why he drank that expensive wine, it was out of spite). How can he leave? Does he have no loyalty to the PM? Does he have no loyalty to Chuuya? They were partners, he can't just leave without a word.

Dazai left without a word because he knew how mad Chuuya would be at him when he finds out, he knew if he thought about Chuuya there would be a part of him that wouldn't want to leave this partnership that they have had since three years. It was something that gave him excitement in this "worthless thing they call living" it was his will to live. He also didn't want the PM to think Chuuya was involved with him and helped him in leaving.

I do think Dazai leaving PM made Chuuya dislike him even more. Dazai was not only annoying, he was also disloyal.

But when it comes to Dazai, I don't think he hated Chuuya at all. His fondness for Chuuya is what makes him not want to like him. It's the same way Nikolai wants to kill Fyodor for being the only one who understands him. Dazai doesn't want to kill Chuuya, when he says "I have been thinking about ways to kill Chuuya since 7 years" it's a lie, a joke for him, a facade. He could have done that any time in 7 years but he chose not to. He knows when it comes to it, he can't kill Chuuya.

Chuuya would say he hates Dazai but goes out of his way to save him everytime. In Dead Apple, he risked his own life to save Dazai who could have been dead for all he knew. But he still took the chance, believing that Dazai would have a plan and that he would know that Chuuya is going to risk it. (Also I wholeheartedly believe Dazai has some fantasies about being rescued by Chuuya, that Mf totally does)

Their trust in eachother is so strong, that even when they are on the enemy side, they are able to work together, putting their differences apart. They have never had a "real" fight like Atsushi and Akutagawa, it's more of snide remarks and calling nicknames, like their teenage selves.

I don't think Chuuya is aware of these complicated feelings, he has manifested his dislike of Dazai's antics and personality to a point he had hidden his care for him. On the other hand, Dazai is very aware of these feelings, he knows he cares. So he fakes it, acting out as usual the idea that he hates Chuuya, because he knows loving and caring for someone does not end well for him (look at Oda). He doesn't want to lose another person he cares for.

In retrospect as memeable and funny those two "confession" scenes are in S5; it's the first time Dazai is not lying, he is acknowledging his care for Chuuya in a way it feels authentic and real to Fyodor, so they could trick him. It's their plan, yes, but the reason it feels real is because IT IS. No wonder Chuuya shot him so many times ("Dazai's being stupid again, making me feel things, embarrassing me in front of the enemy").

This isn't a shipping post, I do ship Skk, but their bond is so deep that you can look at it in a platonic way and very little would change.

INTP: why don't we have any food in our fridge?

ENTP: I thought you were doing groceries

INTP: when was the last time I left the house?

ENTP: I don't remember

INTP: What were you doing in the mall for four hours?

ENTP: I FORGOT OKAY

INTP: at least you bought other stuff on the list, right?

ENTP: what list?

INTP: you know what, let's forget it. You paid the bills right? You said you would

*light goes out*

ENTP:.....looks like I didn't.

INTP: it was my fault actually, to trust you with it.

ENTP: you want takeout?

INTP: is that an apology?

Characters that fascinate me:

1. Albus Dumbledore (Harry Potter): after re-reading HP again, I started to put more effort on dissecting the interactions between Dumbledore and other people, especially Harry and Snape. Dumbledore's strategies, plans and the use of emotions of other people for his favours and for the greater good is for me unlike what most people consider, admirable. I have heard many people mention the fact they hate Dumble's because he is "evil", I like morally grey characters and the fact is Dumbledore's actions were not evil in any way. Did he raise Harry to die? Yes. But that doesn't mean he did that for fun (or ounce presented a way to save Harry he didn't make sure to prevent his death). Every step Dumbledore took was to defeat Voldy in the end, who was committing mass genocide. To prevent deaths of hundreds, thousands of people, it was okay for him to sacrifice certain people (mostly Himself, Harry and Snape). I also think Dumbledore could or should have been in Ravenclaw or Slytherin because his qualities matches those houses more than Gryffindor (also can you imagine how conflicting it would have been for Harry if Dumbledore causally mentions he is a Slytherin or if he was a Ravenclaw there could have been more characters in that house than Quirrell and Lockhart of all people)

2.  Daria Morgendorffer (Daria): if there was a character that I could relate to the most, it's her. Daria's cynical outlook, her quick wit, her quotes are so entertaining to watch. Its really amazing to be able to have a character that represents the perceptions of the quiet kids. As one of them, Daria is the representation of rebellion against the power hungry, capitalistic and tone deaf world we live in.

3. Amy Dunne (Gone Girl): this woman sacres me. She is the epitome of the perfectly imperfect villainous yet fascinating character that captures your attention. She is a psychopath. She is a liar. She is deranged. And I can't help liking her as a complex person.

4. Wanda Maximoff (Wandavison): from her ability to manipulate the minds of all the original avengers (except Hawkeye) in age of Ultron to her batshit crazy powers in multiverse of madness (including the fact defeating the entire illuminati while dream walking), Wanda had come far from being just another avenger to one of most powerful beings in the current MCU. And all of that due to a mother's love, shows you how powerful loss and love can be.

5. L. Lawliet (Death Note): world's top three detectives, the boy who stopped WW3 as a kid, the blueprint for Wammy's house, the deductive genius who almost captured the worst serial killer in history. L will never cease to be interesting. His backstory reveals that L was always the best, no matter if he could defeat Light Yagami or not (he sort of did defeat Light as he knew Light was Kira the 1st time he met him). The most interesting aspect of L is how neutral his moral ideals are, on one hand he spends all this time (literally, as he doesn't sleep) to solve the Kira case, on the other hand he isn't reluctant to play with people's emotions and sacrifice certain people to reach his end goals. While L is the antagonist, everyone loves him as the hero to Light's protagonist villain. I do love L as much as the next person; what I love more than that is how he is just as morally grey as Light but stays on the grey part and never becomes the villain he could be, something that Light became.

6. Allison Dilaurentis (Pretty Little Liars): in my opinion, the most evil of the onscreen Mean girls (except for Courtney Shane and Chanel Oberlin). Allison in the first few seasons was the most fascinating aspect of the show, the sheer power she holds in Rosewood, the way she manipulates all her friends, the way she could destroy lives of anyone she wants is the best part of her character. But after her return from the "dead" she became kinda boring and not the fantastic villain we wished she was. Like, they could have made Aria "A" instead of evil British cousin and made Allison the one controlling Aria, as it was clear Aria was hiding something about herself, the show also gave many clues about her and she seemed be the person Allison liked the most among the liars (she also got the least torment from Allison as well as A). It makes sense if they were both working together. But no, that's too predictable! You have to pull the evil twin plot for shock value!!!!

7. Regulus Black (Harry Potter): he is the best example of a good Slytherin (*ahem* Snape *ahem*). The best thing about his arc is he used to be a death eater but changed sides after knowing how shitty Voldy is, protected his house elf and sacrificed his life for the world. And had a better reason for changing sides than someone very similar to him (*ahem* Snape *ahem*)

Ps: I did not die. Next time.

After Bunny's death: Richard decides to say his internal monologue aloud (this is not a passage from the book)

Richard: "The view of the red blood mixing in with the soil shows how one's sins taint the purity of life. Bunny falls to his death in the beautiful light of the dusk, as his friends are celebrating one day well spent, he lays in between rocks and the broken bottle of wine, to show the morbid display of the youth of today. What a great life he could have had if not to commit treason against the people who trusted him. And what irony is it that he is pushed to his death by the same people who he had spent hours beside as a friend. That is the biggest truth of life, for its unpredictability is what makes life far more terrifying than death itself. The soil has become red with Bunny's blood; the wind blows, snow has started to fall to bury the remains of one cheery, smiling boy. What a beautiful sight it is to see someone die in front of you, it shows how aesthetics remain even in death"

Camilla, Charles and Francis: What the fuck Richard? 😶😶😶

Henry: *gives an approving nod* that is exactly what I was thinking, you took words from my mouth.

(PS: Richard's unhinged monologues give me life every time I read TSH. Also I believe Richard and Henry have a spiritual connection)

*Dazai, Chuuya and Sigma on their way back to Japan*

Chuuya: what the fuck were you doing with that anemic son of bitch? Can't you stop flirting with ANYONE you see for five minutes?

Dazai, gasping: how could I ever cheat on you? I would never do that, I was only entertaining him for our plan to work~

Chuuya: AND WHY WERE YOU CONFESSING YOUR LOVE TO ME? THAT'S DISGUSTING. THAT'S SICK

Dazai: Chuuya....we are literally in a relationship

Chuuya: I never said I took you back since you left!

Dazai: then why do you get mad when I flirt with other people?

Chuuya: I feel bad for them. I pity them for dealing with you!!!

Dazai: you are breaking my heart right now Chuuya, have a little mercy~

Sigma, in a corner fiddling with his fingers: I wish I was still unconscious....