Bsd Textposts - Blog Posts

FYODOR WILL BE ALL RIGHT SINCE HE ONLY LOST HIS LEFT ARM

*Valentine's day in Ada*

Dazai: Fufu...no one is giving me chocolate here, how rude. Is my popularity dying?

Kunikida: can you focus on your work then?

Atsushi: what's Valentine's day

Yosano: you give chocolates and other gifts to the person you love

*later*

Atsushi, giving Dazai chocolates: here, for you!

Dazai:....w-h-a-t

Atsushi: Yosano-san said I should give chocolates to the person who I love. But there are so many! So Kyouka-chan and I made chocolates for everyone. Here Kunikida-san!

Kyouka: the glasses one is for you

Kunikida:thanks... I'll keep it

Atsushi: we made a whole bag for Ranpo-san

Ranpo, eyes shining: I love valentine's day

Yosano: these are so cute guys!! Aww

Dazai: excuse me, there's something in my eyes

*Dazai rushes out*

Yosano: did he go to cry?

Naomi: Dazai-san is crying???

Junichiro: now we have seen everything

************************************

Dazai: (spontaneously combusts due to rare emotions)

Junichiro: what's the worst crime you have committed, Dazai-san?

Dazai: being too pretty and stealing hearts 🥰🥰🥰

Kunikida: *ew ugh*

Dazai: honestly, probably manslaugter

Atsushi: wdym by probably? 😨😨😨

Atsushi: *Is crying*

Chuuya:….

Chuuya: Who the fuck do I have to kill?

*Highschool AU*

**Dazai**

*swarmed by his fangirls/boys*

Girl: Dazai-senpai, I really like you 💖

Others: meee toooo

Dazai: I think you are very pretty too~

Girl: would you go out with meee?

Dazai: *omg I am so popular, omg I am so loved, omg so cute juniors, omg I can't---*

Dazai: how about we meet up at----

Atsushi, dragging Dazai out of the place: Dazai-san not this again!!! Chuuya-san's been watching you out of that window

Dazai: H-He was?? Atsushi....can you hide me somewhere, I might die---

Girl: omg omg do you think Atsushi's the one senpai's dating?

Girl #2: why is it ALWAYS Atsushi taking the good ones?

Girl: I think it's cuteee

************************************

**Chuuya**

Girl: I l-like you, Chuuya-senpai

Chuuya: *not this again* I am sorry, I am not interested in dating

Girl: a-are you dating someone?

Chuuya: *there's no way I will admit I am dating that bandaged freak* NO

Girl: then do you like someone?

Chuuya: I guess so...

Atsushi: *walking outside the class*

Chuuya: *yes I can excuse myself now* hey Atsushi, wait for me!!!, sorry I gotta go

Girl: WHAT WHAT THE FUCK ATSUSHI AGAIN? IS HE COMPETITING AGAINST ME?

*later*

Girl: did you know Chuuya-senpai is in unrequited love with Atsushi

Girl #2: Atsushi really has it all huh?

************************************

**Akutagawa**

Girl: Akutagawa-senpai, I...I...

Akutagawa, staring into space:....

Girl: I like you...eh..I.

Akutagawa: sorry, I am dating someone

Girl: woah...I didn't know-who is it?

Akutagawa:....my pet

Atsushi, listening to this: hey, I am not a pet!

Dazai: you are like a cat, a pet cat!!! Hehe

*later*

Girl: I got rejected again

Girl #2: did you know I saw Akutagawa-senpai and Atsushi walking holding hands!

Girl: ATSUSHI AGAIN!!!

Girl #2: maybe you should try Gin-chan

************************************

Atsushi: why are you all following me?

Girl: teach us your ways

Girl #2: how do you do it? Catch em'all?

Atsushi: what

(after studying seriously for a month and still being aggressively average as usual I am back to Tumblr)

*Kunikida calls Atsushi*

Atsushi: hello? Kunikida-san....what's up?

Kunikida: do you know where Dazai is? He left before doing any paperwork

Atsushi, *staring at Dazai and Kyouka eating shaved ice on the dining table*: no? Do I?

Kunikida *sighs*: are you asking me or answering the question?

Atsushi: I am sure.. he'll show up....one day

Kunikida: eh...fine. If you see him tell him to get his ass back to the office

*phone cuts*

Atsushi: Dazai-san! Look! I had to lie to Kunikida-san because of YOU

Dazai: awww you are such a nice person Atsushi!

Atsushi *rolling his eyes*: how did you even get my keys? The door was locked? Did you give him, Kyouka-chan?

Kyouka: *shakes her head*

Dazai: oh, I have a copy of your keys 😄

Atsushi: what.😨

Dazai: what?

Atsushi: HOW DID YOU GET MY KEYS?

Dazai: I made a copy of them before you got this apartment 😄

Atsushi: 😐😐😐😐

Dazai: ah don't worry, I have the keys of all the people I care about. Here's Chuuya's, I kept them with me all these years....

Atsushi: HOW WILL I NOT WORRY AFTER KNOWING THAT----

Asagiri really loves SSKK that's why he's killing everyone so they can have their gay ass reunion and say nice things about eachother and reassure eachother and support eachother in a mean way

Akutagawa: Stupid were-tiger lets everyone dieee

Atsushi, tears in his eyes because he is happy to see Aku: then why are you here bitch?

Akutagawa: to save you

Atsushi: 🫥🫥🫥

Akutagawa: because Dazai-san told me to! That's why I am gonna save you! For Dazai-san! For the mission!

Atsushi: well, I'll admit it's nice to see an.....ally

Akutagawa: yeah yeah sure...we are not allies..

Aya: I am right here. Stop flirting. The world is literally ending!

Therapist: so let's unpack everything

Atsushi: everyone I know and love is dying one by one

Therapist: that's very unfortunate---

Atsushi: and they all died in front of me and I couldn't save them

Therapist: things like that aren't in our hands----

Atsushi: they sacrificed their lives for me....

Therapist: okay....this is really bad. How about we start with your childhood?

Atsushi: I was locked up in an Orphanage and suffered abuse and experimented on until they kicked me out when I was 18

Therapist: I don't think I can do this.

Dazai saves Chuuya's number as "My financial help" because he borrows/steals a LOT of money from Chuuya. And one day Atsushi reads the call ID accidentally when Dazai is on phone and talking to Chuuya, and Atsushi only sees "My finance", which his brain interprets as "My fiancè".

And......

Atsushi with flowers: Congratulations, Chuuya-san on your engagement. I guess you are keeping it low-key now 😄

Chuuya, confused: what?

Dazai, gasps: woah Chuuya you are engaged? Who is it?

Atsushi: Oh come Dazai-san, you can't lie to me. You and Chuuya-san are getting married

Chuuya: WHAT???😨

Dazai: did you hear that Chuuya? We are getting married!!!!🥰

Yosano: congrats you two 🍷

Kunikida: at least tell your colleagues about your marital status...

Kyouka: I have to tell Ane-san this, she will be furious

Kenji: a wedding in the agency!!!! I'll bring a cow for the dinner!

Junichiro: I can't believe you two went through with it! Congratulations!

Ranpo: Will there be a huge cake in the wedding? Or else I won't come 🍭

Fukuzawa: does Mori know about this?

Chuuya: WE ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED. WHERE DID THIS COME FROM

Dazai: Chuuya now this is peer pressure, we HAVE to get married 😚

Chuuya: WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO CHIPPY

*ten years later*

Dazai: Thank you Atsushi-kun for getting Chuuya to marry me

Atsushi: Dazai-san, you two have divorced three times by now

Dazai: Fourth time's the charm!!!

*Dazai losing his mind over Fyodor being alive*

Chuuya: boy you gotta chill, we can catch him again

Dazai: we NEVER caught him in the first place!

Chuuya: Don't worry we will find him and catch him this time. The rest are fighting too they'll be okay.

Dazai: I CAN'T STAY CALM RIGHT NOW CHUUYA

Chuuya: who are you so worried about??

*sometime in the past*

Dazai: why are you always worried about things, it's not good to be this anxious

Atsushi: it took me a long time to find a family, I feel scared of losing them

Dazai, caught off-guard: losing? You will never lose us. We are the sticking kind

Atsushi: what will I do if I am alone ounce again?

Dazai: if it makes you feel better even if everyone else is gone, you will always have me

Atsushi: Dazai-san!!!🥺

*present time*

Dazai: CHUUYA WE NEED TO GO BACK TO JAPAN RIGHT NOW, someone needs me!!!

Chuuya: geez okay, let me hijack a helicopter first

Nikolai: I can take you with my ability

Dazai: what are you doing here right now???

Nikolai: I was taking selfies with Dos-kun's hand *waves the hand*

Chuuya: you're going to Japan too?

Nikolai: I need to meet the love of my life

Chuuya: you mean your enemy?

Nikolai: it's the same thing

Dazai, to himself: don't worry Atsushi-kun I'll come back. Stay strong. Kunikida will be with you until then.

Dazai: psk psk...Atsushi-kun....show me your paper

Atsushi: I can't! I don't want to get caught!

Dazai: oh come on! I don't even know these squiggly lines, is this English? Who the fuck uses cursive?

Ranpo: I am not even answering these questions, I am too smart for this

Yosano: if you are not answering, whom will I copy from?

Dazai: Can anyone help me? I don't even know what subject this is!

Akutagawa: I'll help you Dazai-san, take my paper

Dazai: NOT YOU Akutagawa!

Akutagawa: *sad Akutagawa noises*

Higuchi: don't worry, Akutagawa Senpai! I will look at your answers!

Akutagawa: NOT YOU Higuchi

Higuchi: *sad Higuchi noises*

Gin: those are some nice drawings Tachihara!

Tachihara: thanks, I can't write answers, might as well doodle

Chuuya, diligently writing answers: CAN YOU ALL SHUT THE FUCK UP?

Kunikida, hitting Chuuya with a duster: Negative five points to Nakahara for cheating

Chuuya: WTF I WASN'T EVEN----

Kunikida: make it ten

Dazai: *laughing in the back*

Kunikida: and a Negative 100 for Dazai

Atsushi: that means he will get a 0?

Ranpo: looking at his answers, he is probably gonna get a -110, ten marks cut for bad handwriting

(I thought of this headcanon last night, Kunikida, as a former teacher gives the ADA and PM joint night tutoring classes. I didn't add the Tanazaki's cuz since they are highschoolers, they haven't missed basic education, hopefully)

(yes, Yosano is a Dr. and all, but is she a medical professional for real or they call her that because she is a healer? IDK?)

Atsushi: I don't know why you look up to Dazai-san of all people?

Akutagawa: why shouldn't I? He is a genius

Atsushi: well, he doesn't eat his vegetables

Akutagawa: what....

Atsushi: he naps during work hours, doesn't do his paperwork and spends most of his time making elaborate plans to annoy Kunikida-san

Akutagawa: you don't know him, he is the Port Mafia's demon prodigy, his ruthlessness and capabilities have no limits,the greatest, youngest, Port Mafia executive that's ever-----

Dazai: Atsushi-kun~

Atsushi: what is it now?

Dazai: I got stuck in the oil barrel again! And I mixed some random pills I found in the drawer. My head hurts, I think I need your help in doing my paperwork today~

Atsushi: why don't you do it in the afternoon?

Dazai: I am hosting a tea party for Ranpo-san, Kenji-kun and Kyouka-chan!

Akutagawa: .....

Atsushi, rolling his eyes: Yeah. Ruthless and capable my ass!