If Any Others Want To Add On, Please Feel Free!

I PAINTED FOR LIKE 20 MINS TODAY WOOOOO!! first time in over a month

i have so much art i need to get out of my brain its all stuck in there while i cant do any 😭😭😭😭😭

i find it interesting the overlap of c-ptsd symptoms with autistic traits.

i get asked all the time if im autistic. i even started questioning it myself just from how often this happened to me.

but while yes i have a lot of symptoms that are a part of many autistic peoples experiences, i wasnt always this way. i developed these symptoms throughout my childhood as i went through more and more trauma.

i remember when i wasnt sensitive to noise, light, etc. i remember when my social abilities were practically the same as my neurotypical peers. i remember when i never needed to carry stim toys everywhere i went. just to name a few.

anyways, i have so much in common with my autistic friends. while we arent the same, we get each other on a level that i havent found with many neurotypicals. ive also found that i often gravitate towards autistic people without meaning to.

i think its nice that we can find community where we didnt really expect it.

I know I'm shouting into the void with this one but like. Genuinely so many low support needs people dont understand what it's like having even medium support needs. Like I am entirely dependent on other people for many of my needs. I can not see a doctor without someone else scheduling the appointment, taking me there and doing a large amount of the communication for me.

If my caretaker had not been accepting of me being trans and invested hundreds of hours into psych appointments and taking me to my endocrinologist and doing all the paperwork involved with my name change and literally taking a week off work to stay with me in the hospital for surgery etc i would have just like. Never transitioned. My ability to transition was entirely dependent on a singular person and that's what a lot of other parts of my life are like as well. and that's fucking terrifying and a great way to be neglected and abused in ways that are horribly hard to get away from.

I dont drive, I dont work, I struggle to leave the house at all, I dont fucking communicate with people majority of the time. The things that are hard for you? I probably can not do them to begin with. No one in my family lives even close to a comparable life to me. None of my irl friends do. I'm incredibly isolated.

And then I go online and see people rant about how easy MSN and HSN people have it because we just get everything we need and how because people can tell we are disabled everything is so easy because none of you even manage to listen to us talk about the neglect and abuse and trauma we face/d. I see people angry at their (more) disabled siblings for getting care they need to survive instead of mad at society for creating a system where its incredibly hard for families to take care of both a higher support needs child and another child.

And I see people who live completely independent lives who work and drive and make their own doctors appointments and grocery shop and travel by themselves call themselves MSN (I could go on a rant about how that's also often the fault of LSN influencers for not leaving a lot of room in their own community for legitimate struggle but that's for another day).

I just want my needs met. I want to be able to decide where I live. I want choice in my care. I want to be able to have community with those like me. I want others to realize I exist and leave the words i have to describe my existence alone. I want others to listen to what I have to say about what my life is like.

i really want to reapproach the way i see success.

i think ive slowly been doing it for a few years now, but theres definitely more i can do.

i always think of it in the grand life goal kind of way.

but it doesnt need to be that..

and for me, i really wanna see if i can find things in my day-to-day life that are, a success.

did i put myself out of my comfort zone that day trying something new?

did i take a deep breath and calm my thoughts before getting frustrated at somebody?

did i show care to myself even when i felt unworthy of life?

did i do anything where if i was reading a book about me. would i be proud of the bee on that page?

because the answer is probably yes most days. but im not treating myself as if thats the case.

im so harsh to myself and i know this. i give grace to others where i would never for myself.

i just want to treat myself gently.

so cheers to small successes, the steps forward even when theres also steps backward..

and to not just treating others the way we want to be treated, but treating ourselves that way too.

just rewatched the season 1 of winx and HOLY FUCK. that was intense.

last time i watched it, i was probably like 7 years old and i couldn't comprehend the dark and serious parts of the story. i was mostly focused on sparkly magic and outfits.

genuinely, this show feels way more enjoyable now that i'm adult. and it actually makes me sad how much everything went downhill.

season 4 wasn't as good as first 3 seasons. but season 5 and so on...even at the age of 10 i knew the quality has drastically dropped.

it sucks...the amount of potential this story had.

you forgot the one that says “everything”

I've been a winx fan since like... forever, I can't believe Rai is using AI to make the reboot.

(Thanks to Maiky Odel, they shared the proof they could find with me)

STUNNING CRIES

Bloom

I’m practicing painting and I’ve been in a winx funk lately

absentmindedly doodling. i always have a nostalgic soft spot for the season 1 dynamics in winx club.

whens the update that fixes the multiple chronic illnesses bug 😔

I truly think the human body should have some kind of source code that prevents a person from developing more than one chronic illness and/or mental illness

I can handle one (1) at a time but when all of them are flaring up at the same time? That's a great way to push me into a breakdown of despair.

Like my legs and back and neck and shoulders hurt badly today, my narcolepsy has me exhausted and brain-foggy but I'm in too much pain to sleep, and I've got the symptoms I get a few hours before a migraine develops. And I don't have meds for ANY of these things anymore because of many reasons simplified down to: most of my doctors don't listen to me and the ones that do are now a 2 hour drive away.

And I've been on the verge of tears for days which has me suspecting my period is right around the corner and I swear to god if I get my typical endometriosis-excruciating-pain-cramps on top of EVERYTHING ELSE today, I might hurt myself or someone else. I'm at my fucking limit.

And I want to cry to like, "honor my feelings" (can't think of a better way to put it), but crying will make my migraine come on faster and make my muscles hurt worse so I'm just stuck here.