Curate, connect, and discover
Always end up back here when I need to feel something
I don't see myself and my child self as the same person. As a child I was so good. I love her and I think that she deserves the world, but it breaks my heart to know that she is cursed to grow into me.
One day food stops being a treat and then it becomes a sin. One day she will start to smile as she almost falls as she stands up because that means that it's working.
When she does eat she hates herself.
And she misses the days where she felt beautiful. When she didn't get dizzy every time she sees sharp objects. When she didn't know what they feel like in her skin. When she didn't do it anyway because it hurts twice as much when she is so afraid.
And she can't help but wonder when it changed. When she started looking for the diet version of everything. When she stopped eating with her family. When she convinced herself that she was so utterly unlovable.
I wish I could save her because I deserve this but she doesn't. She was young and good. She deserved to end up happy. But she will end up where I am now. And playing dress up will change into dressing the cuts on her skin.
Suddenly make believe food is all that she will eat. Suddenly she's afraid to hug her mom because she knows that she'll feel her bones and she's come too far to stop now.
And she will realize that there is nothing keeping her here except for her fear.
This young girl who had so much love and so many dreams and ambitions is withering away as she grows but nothing changes because she is already too far gone.
And she watches as her health deteriorates because that means that she is small.
But once upon a time she was small, but she was happy and she didn't need to be small because that was not all that she was.
She was smart and kind and hopeful and so so loving
But now she is dying
And she is happy because she will finally be small again and then maybe someone will finally love her like they did back then
Because no one loves her unless she is fading
And she just wants to be held but no one is there anymore and she dreams of the big and warm arms from when she was young, but now her concerns don't make sense anymore, and people are getting tired of her
But she was once a small girl and that girl is doomed because one day she will stop loving herself and she will change everything just to feel loved even for a second
I'm sorry little me. You deserved better and I love you and I'm sorry that I failed you. You were too good for me.
It doesn't matter how far I've come, how hard I tried or how much I gave.
At the end of the day I'm just a sad little girl curled up on her bathroom floor wondering why she can't ever be someone's first choice.
Wondering why it never got better like they all said it would.
I think it's so much worse this time because for the first time, I had someone. I had someone who I wanted to tell everything and do everything with anf it was reciprocated... For a bit.
But now, that's gone, but it feels like a new and beautiful path to happiness was unlocked and I got to see it and experience how wonderful it was, but now its gone. And even though it hurt so bad most of the time that good times were euphoric.
Nothing can compare to it now. So everything feels hollow and empty.
And I can't get it back because there is not a single soul on this god forsaken earth that would ever want me. Even the one who claimed to like all my odd habits left me and hasn't looked back once or regretted it.
I was just that easy to leave apparently.
But now I wish for a type of love that I will never have because who could ever love me? I sit here aching and so so empty.
I think it might've been better to never love at all. To not have any of these memories of a happiness I'll never have again.
I think it would hurt a lot less that way.
Because I know I gave it everything. It consumed my whole heart and soul and I had so much love to give because finally someone chose me! But now that love has nowhere to go because I got left out of nowhere like there was never a reason to stay.
So now I sit with all that love that I never got to give and it eats me alive. It feels like poison. The empty ache never leaves and when I finally make one step of progress I get sent right back again. And then suddenly there's more poison. Because my hope still hasn't gone away. It stupid and oh so painful but I still hope with my whole heart that I'd be enough to come back for, but I keep getting hurt time and time again.
And I can't stop myself. I go back willingly the second you show interest in me. Because my pride is already gone. My mind is already a mess, you can't possibly ruin it more than you already have.
I have nothing to lose and everything to gain, but everytime that I do gain something, I lose it right away. And I face pain all over again because I never thought that the world could be that cruel. I didn't think I would lose my only lifeline once again, but I should've learned by now.
No one was ever going to save me. They're just going to watch me flail and struggle as I try to find even the most insignificant reason to live. And then they cruely yank it away from me.
I can't keep going like this.
It would be easier just to drown.