Not Really Sure What They're Doing Here, But I'm Probably Better Off Not Knowing 0_0;

What part of...

... “I don’t want kids,” does no one understand?

Seriously, I am getting so sick of having to reiterate myself to people when I tell them I don’t want kids and they insist I’ll change my mind. 

I especially find it strange that they never ask about whether I want to get married (and they most certainly never think of the implications if I were to marry a woman - which for the record, I am straight, but I’m assuming that they’re assuming that even if I was gay I would find a way to have kids anyway).

It just makes me wonder if men ever have to deal with this or if it’s purely sexual stereotyping on women, even though we are in the 21st century.

So let me make it clear: just because I am a woman and I do want to get married someday does not mean I want to have kids.

Nor, in this advanced and liberated and non-apocalyptic (meaning there’s not a shortage of human beings populating the Earth) should it still be assumed/encouraged/pressured upon by women to have kids at all! In an age of casual sex, pro-choice, and lack of a zombie breakout, why is it that people assume that all women will want to have kids? (apparently regardless of whether or not they state they want to get married or what their sexual orientation is, as I mentioned earlier).

Personally, I don’t want kids. And to be clear, it’s not because I hate them. 

I actually do like kids and in my chosen field of work, I interact with a lot of them on a daily basis. But just because I like kids and I’m good with them shouldn’t mean that I automatically want any of my own.

For me, having kids would mean giving up all of my dreams. I have plans and goals and aspirations: for my art, my writing, and my career. 

I know myself well enough to understand that I put 200% of my energy into the things that matter to me. Which means for me, if I were to have kids, I would be devoting all of my time to them, leaving no room for my art, my writing, or my career.

And I don’t want that.

Which might sound selfish, but am I really being selfish to hypothetical kids that don’t even exist?

Yes, I want to create art and literature and environments where children can learn, grow, and be inspired by, but that shouldn’t mean that I need to have any of my own.

Somehow, it seems that declaring you don’t want kids is something that must be rectified by those around you (and yet, declaring you never want to get married isn’t as looked down upon).

Now, to be fair, most of the interactions I’ve had that inspired this was with generations older than me and primarily those people were from... certain areas of the country. But I’ve still had people from all over tell me I’ll change my mind and that just irks me to no end.

In conclusion...

I DON’T WANT KIDS AND IT’S WRONG OF PEOPLE TO TRY AND PRESSURE ME INTO CHANGING MY MIND!

So am I the only one who’s had this problem or are there other people out there that are just as fed up as I am?

STORY TIME:

I work in a decent sized, local, indie bookstore. It’s a great job 99% of the time and a lot of our customers are pretty neat people. Any who, middle of the day this little old lady comes up. She’s lovably kooky. She effuses how much she loves the store and how she wishes she could spend more time in it but her husband is waiting in the car (OH! I BETTER BUY HIM SOME CHOCOLATE!), she piles a bunch of art supplies on the counter and then stops and tells me how my bangs are beautiful and remind her of the ocean (“Wooooosh” she says, making a wave gesture with her hand)

Ok. I think to myself. Awesomely happy, weird little old ladies are my favorite kind of customer. They’re thrilled about everything and they’re comfortably bananas. I can have a good time with this one. So we chat and it’s nice.

Then this kid, who’s been up my counter a few times to gather his school textbooks, comes up in line behind her (we’re connected to a major university in the city so we have a lot of harried students pass through). She turns around to him and, out of nowhere, demands that he put his textbooks on the counter. He’s confused but she explains that she’s going to buy his textbooks.

He goes sheetrock white. He refuses and adamantly insists that she can’t do that. It’s like, $400 worth of textbooks. She, this tiny old woman, bodily takes them out of her hands, throws them on the counter and turns to me with a intense stare and tells me to put them on her bill. The kid at this point is practically in tears. He’s confused and shocked and grateful. Then she turns to him and says “you need chocolate.” She starts grabbing handfuls of chocolates and putting them in her pile.

He keeps asking her “why are you doing this?” She responds “Do you like Harry Potter?“ and throws a copy of the new Cursed Child on the pile too.

Finally she’s done and I ring her up for a crazy amount of money. She pays and asks me to please give the kid a few bags for his stuff. While I’m bagging up her merchandise the kid hugs her. We’re both telling her how amazing she is and what an awesome thing she’s done. She turns to both of us and says probably one of the most profound, unscripted things I’ve ever had someone say:

"It’s important to be kind. You can’t know all the times that you’ve hurt people in tiny, significant ways. It’s easy to be cruel without meaning to be. There’s nothing you can do about that. But you can choose to be kind. Be kind.”

The kid thanks her again and leaves. I tell her again how awesome she is. She’s staring out the door after him and says to me: “My son is a homeless meth addict. I don’t know what I did. I see that boy and I see the man my son could have been if someone had chosen to be kind to him at just the right time.”

I’ve bagged up all her stuff and at this point am super awkward and feel like I should say something but I don’t know what. Then she turns to me and says: I wish I could have bangs like that but my darn hair is just too curly.“ And leaves.

And that is the story of the best customer I’ve ever had. Be kind to somebody today.

Inspired by the great and might Starhorse. You can see her original brilliance here http://the-starhorse.deviantart.com/gallery/1060568

This hit me so hard.

As someone who is autistic.

As someone who never had a hometown.

As someone who is first generation Mexican American.

As someone who is half first generation Mexican American.

I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere or with any group. Because I wasn’t neurotypical enough. Because I hadn’t lived there long enough. Because I wasn’t American enough. Because I wasn’t Mexican enough. Because I was too different.

And finally, it hits me - I don’t “belong”. And that’s okay - great, even. Because that is my Strength.

Thank you, Xiran Jay Zhao, for writing these beautiful words. They mean more to me than I could ever express.

Was challenged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city . Most of mine are actually a little off because I tend to insert OCs in my fanfics 😅

Tag Writing Meme

Was tagged by @a-lighthouse-a-man-a-city (and totally didn’t see it for reasons I cannot fathom).

“Rules: REPOST DON’T REBLOG! Post the names of all the files in your WIP folder, regardless of how non-descriptive or ridiculous. Send me an ask with the title that most intrigues you and interests you and I’ll post a little snippet of it or tell you something about it!”

(I have no idea what the difference is between Reposting and Rebloging, or exactly what an ‘ask’ is btw)

So I’ve actually got quite a few WIPs that I’m working on. Some are finished and just need editing, others have been outlined and I’m getting them down right now, and some are still just rough ideas that I want to do in the near future.

In no particular order:

Immortal Souls: Hand of the Sun Queen

Life of the Shadow Thief

The Little Princess of Light

Frost

Original Fairy tales

Reaching for Heaven

Luck Running Out

Captivated Captive

Beauty’s Beast

The Dragon’s Damsel

Tag: Anyone who wants to participate!

Entrapta deserved better

My posts are usually either detailed analysis or memes and shitposts.

I’ve re-watched the show and this will be an angry rant…  

With every viewing of the show, Entrapta’s arc makes me progressively angrier because I empathize with her so much.

She is introduced to the show as being a reclusive scientist, known throughout the Maker’s guild for her genius. Even her staff is weary of her. She spends all her time alone with her robot friends in her lab within her isolated castle.

The alliance interacts with her with the explicit purpose of recruiting her into their war effort. They want her for her ability to build weapons for them. That’s as deep as the relationship goes this far.

Entrapta has no stakes in the war, the Horde hadn’t attacked Dryl. She joins them because she wants to be their friend; she wants to help them in the only way she knows how, using her technological prowess to their benefit. Due to her isolation (and her being autistic), Entratpa struggles to understand interpersonal dynamics. Human interaction is a skill she has had little practical experience with. She understands the concepts, the rules of the game, so to speak, but she has seen it in play only as a third party rarely ever practicing it herself.

She’s invited to the Princess prom due to her princes status but she’s an outsider there too. No “friendly” princess seeks her out to hang out with her as a friend would. The only person who does so is Catra, and she does it for her own reasons…

With Glimmer abducted, the alliance mounts a half-baked rescue operation. Everything Entrapta did in this episode had a purpose, it looked like she kept getting distracted when in actuality, she was studying horde tech, rescuing Seahawk and furthering their mission and she had no time to explain herself (it also occurs to me that Entrapta might not explain herself because no one asked and no one ever understands her reasoning anyway) The princesses try to control her because she’s being “difficult”. They don’t care why she’s being difficult, they want her to conform.

Once they rescued Glimmer, they don’t even come back to check if Entrapta’s actually dead, or to get her remains and put them to rest respectfully. They allready have the princess they came for.  

Entrapta is all alone with her new robot friend Emily in the Frightzone vents, expecting that she’d get rescued because “no princess left behind” but rescue never actually comes.

Catra uses this new abandonment to convince her to switch sides. Entrapta didn’t jump ship because of her tech hyperfixation, she switched sides because Catra used her skill at pinpointing someone’s weak-spot and poking at it. 

Catra may not have been Shadow Weaver’s favorite ward (she was her scapegoat and punching bag, the poor girl) but she did learn from her and repeatedly put those skills to “good” use.

Once they find out she’s alive, the alliance wants to rescue her but she’s made new friends in the Horde and she think that they understand her fascination with science, friends that actually interact with her directly. She actually feels included here and as such, she’s not eager to return to the alliance’s side.

Entrapta befriends Catra and Scorpia but even in this trio, she is the third wheel. Catra is focused on herself, her ascension in The Horde and on her missing Adora. Scorpia is focused on Catra and on pinning for her.

Once Entrapta and Hordak start growing closer together, Catra stops talking to her. Perhaps she was hurt because Entrapta “broke her promise” to not go in Hordak’s sanctum, perhaps she was envious of her closeness to the Horde leader, or perhaps both, either way, the friendship is broken from Catra’s side. Entrapta still sees her as a friend and fights Hordak over the decision to send her to Beast Island. Despite his grouchiness, he considers her request and grants it.

As recompense for saving her life, Catra backstabs Entrapta when she tried to stop Catra from triggering a potentially world ending event and then sends her to the fate Entrapta saved her from: exile on Beast Island.

When faced with the choice between Catra and Entrapta, Scorpia choses Catra. Hordak is lied to so he doesn’t know to look for her, he believed she used him and is heartbroken about it.

You can actually pinpoint the moment his little heart breaks in this scene:

 Even so, he spends most of season 4 wanting to face her; he’d rather see her as an enemy than not see her at all.

After Catra proves herself a bad friend, (after months) Scorpia finally decides to rescue Entrapta and goes looking for help, deserting to the alliance. She has this little realization:

Adora is the only person that actually wants to go right away and rescue her. Bow wants to rescue her because they need her tech savvy and Glimmer says that they can rescue her after the war or something… (the Island she’s on is a death trap, she might not live that long for all they know)

she said this 

then this

She knows that this is a time sensitive issue but she wants to put it off  despite the urgency, if that doesn’t sound like friendship to you, then what does?  *sarcasm intensifies*

Contrast this with how the villain of the show reacted to the news of her being sent to Beast Island:

On Beast Island Bow gives her a longwinded speech about how she’s supposed to work harder at friendship. I know he’s projecting his own issues here but it still makes me so damn angry. Entrapta’s trying; she’s trying so hard, no one ever tries back! No one makes the effort to understand her (except that one clone but we’re not talking about him), she has to conform to their expectations, the reverse is never applicable.

Anyway, stuff happens and Glimmer is abducted again, by Horde Prime this time.

Then that whole “Lauch” episode happened. Entrapta is distrusted by the alliance more than Scorpia is. She is seen and cold and interested only in tech, she has to explain and redeem herself in their eyes after they treat her like rubbish. They don’t connect the fact that helping them with tech is how she shows her friendship. 

It’s the only thing she thinks she’s worth to them. She wants to be accepted by them so badly.

 Entrapta gets emotional over rescuing Glimmer! 

The person who when faced with the same prospect, said he’d do it later…

Even Catra’s apology to Entrapta for trying to kill her is a blank “I’m sorry”. Pls say what exactly you are sorry for Catra. Entrapta deserves that much. Bow received a better apology for far less of an offense.

All she ever does in the show is work towards furthering someone else’s goals, her own are always a second thought. As @cruelfeline​ pointed out, even a small scene with her discussing what happened with Hordak, her reaction to it and the gang focusing on Entrapta’s troubles for ONCE , even if it’s just offering her emotional support, would have meant so much.

Why is the show trying to tell me that Entrapta should work on being a better friend?

That’s a terrible message!

She doesn’t need to work harder on her friends, she NEEDS BETTER FRIENDS.

So many of us ND people end up being third wheels at best and we blame that on ourselves, we internalize the reasoning that our friendship fail because we’re weird and we’re not doing it right. That we’re the ones that have to try harder to be understood and that our concerns should come second.  That is a terrible thing to internalize, we are blaming ourselves constantly because we try to understand others and they never try to understand us back. 

With age, I’ve grown out of trying and being different so that other people would like me. They’d end up liking the mask I project, not me anyway. I’ve found people that understand me and that like me for who I am, but only after I’ve stopped trying to be “better” for others to accept me. With being honestly “weird” with those around me, I’ve been accepted far more than for trying to fit in. And I’ve realized that people that shun my otherness are not worth the effort to try and befriend in the first pace .

 That is what young autistics need to hear, not “git gud” at friendship.  You are not wrong, you are not defective or broken, you are you and you’re beautiful just the way you are. If other people don’t see that, then the failing is theirs. Don’t change, just look for people that see you. 

Cashier Irritations

Just a random list of things that annoy me to no end when it comes to cashiering at a grocery store.

1. When customers get mad at the cashier for an item being priced ‘incorrectly’.

Really, people. It’s not our fault. We’re not the ones setting the prices, and not even the people stocking the items are. That is something that is set by the company. Plus all the cashier is doing is scanning the item; 9/10 times, even we don’t know what the price is going to be. So please don’t go around getting angry with us when something doesn’t come up right (or what you think is supposed to be right), because most of the time, there’s really nothing we can do about it, and we don’t deserve your bad attitude making our day harder.

2. When people get into a lane that doesn’t have its light on (indicating that they are NOT open).

Why don’t people pay attention? Did it ever occur to the customer to look up and make sure that the lane they are getting into is still open? Just because we’re helping someone at the moment, doesn’t mean that we are still open and customers are welcome to just start setting a large order of stuff onto the conveyor belt. Because most of the time, we’re rather desperate at that point to have a break, get something to eat, or just go home (having already been waiting to leave for quite some time since said break/clocking out time was due).

3. When someone puts far more than the amounted items at an Express Lane.

Once again, PAY ATTENTION! The whole point of an Express Lane is so people can get in and out of the store as quickly as possible. If the number of items is only a few over, that’s okay. But having someone come over and say, drop over $500 dollars worth of stuff onto the belt kind of ruins the flow, and thus no longer makes it an Express Lane for the people behind them. So please, have some consideration for someone other than yourself. Especially when said self absorbed attitude causes the people behind you to glare at us cashiers like we’re the ones that let you be so inconsiderate (even though our bosses tell us to check them out anyway).

4. When people go around pushing all the buttons on the Self-Checkouts and think the machine is breaking because they’ve confused it.

Self-Checkout is my favorite area, to be quite honest. I love just being able to stand to the side and help people figure out how to use the machines when needed. But when the customers go around not paying attention to how things need to go for the experience to run smoothly....it gets pretty bothersome. The machines are designed for items to be scanned and then placed on the bagging area ONE AT AT TIME. When you try to scan something else before putting the previous item down, it messes things up; ESPECIALLY when you press the ‘Don’t Want to Bag’ button and then place said item that you ‘didn’t want to bag’ down in the bagging area, thus causing the machine to get suspicious of the extra weight and ask you to remove the item that you ‘haven’t scanned yet’. One at at time, people, ONE AT A TIME. 

5. When customers bring a whole cart full of stuff to the Self-checkouts.

Kind of similar to the whole ‘Express Lane’ thing. To me, self-checkouts are there to make the shopping experience quicker. It takes more than twice as long for someone to bag their own stuff than it would have taken a cashier to bag their stuff while the customer was putting things on the conveyor belt, when it comes to large orders. Plus, when you bring a cart to the self-checkout area, it severely clogs up the space, for EVERYONE. Trying to get around a cart to just get to the next available machine can be a challenge, unless you resort to being rude, which is not something anyone should do. 

6. When people hover way too close to another customer while waiting for their turn.

Personal space. Look it up. Whether it’s at a regular lane or at the self-checkouts, give people some room to breath. It will be your turn eventually. Do your fellow human being a favor and just wait a polite distance away. Hovering over them isn’t going to make them leave any faster, and it’s just plain rude to silently imply that they need to hurry up because clearly it’s your turn and they need to get moving.

7. When someone doesn’t move after getting their receipt.

And now for the other side; let’s not loiter, people. Once you get your stuff, it would be quite nice if you at least stepped away if you feel the need to check your receipt. While it doesn’t hurt to check and make sure you weren’t charged twice or anything, it would help if you didn’t stay in a place someone else needs to be in order to complete their purchase. Especially at the self-checkouts! If you don’t want to have your space rudely invaded, than be polite and step out of the way.

So anyway, that’s my rant. Just needed to get it out of my system :)

Favorite Sonic 30th Anniversary Moments 💙🦔💨

Being AuDHD means I have sensitivity when it comes to food. To the point where growing up I was considered (in a negative way) to be a picky eater. To the point where I was shamed and borderline traumatized for it.

I also grew up in a household that insisted that no food should go to waste. That meant tons of tiny portions being saved in the fridge (should also be noted that leftovers give me the ick for reasons I can’t articulate - and now I realize I have no obligation to do so). It also meant food that was bought on a whim would stay in the house for YEARS.

As an adult, it’s taken me quite a bit of time to realize that just because something was done a certain way in my parents house, does not mean that I, as a grown adult with her own home, have to do it that way as well.

Which means, if I went out of my way to treat myself to stuff from Trader Joe’s (which is quite a feat given where my nearest stores are located and the very poor parking situations each one has), and got a bunch of food there but ended up either getting an upset stomach from it or just not liking how it tasted, I am under no obligation to keep said food.

Did I end up wasting money on that trip? Yes. Did I end up wasting food because of it? Yes. But is it my obligation to keep said food in the house despite the fact that I’m the only person living there and will never eat it? No. And should I feel guilty for throwing it away? Maybe a little? But only for a few minutes. Because it’s certainly not something I should lose sleep over. Of all the moral conundrums going on in my life, this one should not be causing me anxiety, especially when I have so many other things I get to be anxious about.

Part of my ND healing journey is about learning to be kinder to myself, because I’ve spent my life trying to be accommodating to people’s perspective on how I should live MY LIFE.

I’ve been made to feel that MY WANTS, MY NEEDS, are not correct and thus not acceptable. That I shouldn’t be allowed to listen to my body and make decisions based on what it tells me, even if those choices seem wrong to someone else.

My life, my rules.

And as long as I’m not putting myself or someone else in danger, people should just accept that and BACK OFF.