Today Is The Day Of Me Asking For A Realistic Non-native English Speaker

So I'm questioning myself again

I've identified as bi for three years now, but recently I've been very anxious because it feel like I made it up. I've had crushes on girls and I've fallen in love with a girl once, I wanted a real relationship with her. However I haven't fallen for a girl for so long, and now I realize that I am not that sexually attracted to girls whatsoever, so I feel like I'm just straight and just made that up. I don't even remember really realizing I was bi. I have felt some kind of sexual attraction to girls before,but not so much now. Now I feel almost convinced that I've been lying to myself and everybody all this time. Although I know that objectively it's not true, for I have in fact fallen for girls, but I have anxiety and my brain is breaking because of this confusion. I need to have a crush on a girl right now otherwise I'm gonna be confused forever

I think that identifying as queer suits me more, but like... Am I even that? Am I a stupid hetero girl who wanted to feel special? Or is it my anxiety messing with my head?

Ps. BUT IF IM STRAIGHT WHY DO I FEEL THESE FEELS TOWARDS OTHER WOMEN WTF

Have you ever been to earth?

On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:

You’re an idiot.

Let me further explain:

Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.

Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.

When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.

And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:

Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.

Nope.

My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.

You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.

And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.

What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.

I just want a burrito.

In conclusion:

You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.

UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:

A fucking fork?

I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.

If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.

That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.

Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.

A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.

People eat burritos with forks?

God is sorry he made us.

(Source)

Sooo true

Ravenclaw: And, to the right, you’ll see the rest of Ravenclaw, studying for finals and talking about philosophy. Mostly the philosophy. We don’t really study here.

Internalized biphobia is a bitch

Do you ever watch a show that is soo fucking ludicrous just to know how NOT to write a script?

I just played a song I listened to when I was in France this September and straight up cried

Music really does take you places huh

Damn I can't wait

You decide to check out that kinn porsche show after spotting the gifs on your dash and four months later you’re knee deep in Gay Bangkok Bridge, Stairs of Death, lays and seaweed crisps product placement, architecture and engineering as the only two options in university, wet towel on head is the best medicine, rhapsodising over fan service, head pats and little hoop earrings in the left ear…

Ravenclaw: Yeah, I have this test tomorrow, but why study if you can just spend 13 hours learning how to play the mandoline

Same Ravenclaw the next day, having got an F for the test: Well, shit happens

Same Ravenclaw: *plucking the strings of a mandoline*

The marvelous mrs maisel's ending

Did they really have to squash those two together after that perfect closure summer dance where they both agreed it was time to dance with other people? Why, writers, why?

Why are we silent???