I Miss The Stinging Feeling. Even How Days After I Cut, It Still Stung If U Touched It Or Moved The Wrong

I had 1.5 cups of soup, and 4 oreos today (My friend offered me and i couldnt make her suspect anything). I feel so fat and bloated its not even funny. I wanna throw up, but im going to try to keep it down. I used to eat and binge daily, but now my self hate overrides any and all cravings

It took me so long. I tried to stop loving him. I really tried. It took me so long. I couldnt go a day without thinking about him. Even after all the heartache, even after he broke me to my very core. But then i finally did it. I went a day worhout thinking about him. About the pain and heartache i felt. I was truly happy... if it were a thing. Then came the fall shortly after. Then new problems arose, and new people, just coming in and out as they please. But none hurt like him. None could ever match up to the pain he caused me.

I knew it was too good to be true. I just knew i couldnt be happy for long.

I really tried to make this work, and I hope you know that...

Im screaming on the inside, and you dont care.

Slit your wrist, cut your thighs

Fake a smile, and dry your eyes

Hate yourself, and hate your life

Welcome, to my world of lies

I just feel like ill always be stuck. Stuck in the middle of a goodbye. Never feeling that pain, but never feeling that closure. Never feeling the certainty that somethings gone and is never coming back. I will always be frozen in this one time frame. Never wanting less, never having more. Im just stuck.

So like... 99% of this is true for me except its been a week since we talked last and we've been best friends for over 10 years... im just so done trying with her because I lnow she doesn't really wanna talk to me its probably just cuz she pities me which I used to be fine with but now I actually know she doesn't care its not "all in my head"...

Man don't yall just love crying for and hour straight because your best friend of 3 years hadn't talked to you in 3 days and you convinced yourself that they hate you and are tired of you and you want to end your friendship but then you realise that you don't have the patience to make another best friend so now you're stuck between the choices, whether to end your friendship because lately (during the whole quarantine and before) they have been dry with you, barely responding and have, on multiple occasions, not texted you back in a few days and you were fine with it before because you weren't as close but now they're literally the only friend you have that you trust with completely everything and you've left all your other friends because you wanted to focus on them, or whether to stay with them and endure the pain of having thoughts and being a depressed bitch who spams them with random shit in hopes that they will respond, maybe just check what you send them, but they almost never do, so you sit and cry and try not to die because you don't want to make them sad despite knowing that, if you did die, they most likely won't care that much because they're in a whole different country and it won't affect them nearly at all?

Why the fuck do you only notice my cuts now?

Where were you 2 years ago? You only notice now because ive given up on trying to hide it. All 4 of my limbs are covered in cuts, so i guess it was only just a matter of time... if only my fucking teacher hadnt made me take off my hoodie, you still wouldnt know or care.