For Many Years Of Longing, I Craved Attention From My Favorite People. To Be Loved, To Be Looked At,

For many years of longing, I craved attention from my favorite people. To be loved, to be looked at, to be the only thing in their mind.

I would obsess over them day and night. Where my life was bleak and boring without any interaction with them. I'd get depressed and hopeless without their attention, imagining hurtful scenarios of them leaving, and remembering that these feelings of mine will forever be within me. They will never know. I will not let them know. No matter how much I like them this feeling.

At the same time, I hate it with a passion. I do not like feeling like I have no control. So I do what's best. I ghost everything just because of one person. I leave. But I always come back pathetically yearning for their attention again. Because I can't stand being alone.

You know what's funny though? I met someone... who for the first time reciprocated my feelings without me having to say anything.

I was scared. I was so scared.

I've always been an obsessive person to those I liked. So why... did I hate it the moment they liked me back?

Did i even like them? If not, then does that mean i didn't actually like the previous people before?

Did i simply make up an image of them?

Or is it that I just don't like him? And maybe that's why I didn't like his confession.

I feel gross. I hate that I rejected him and I went back to using him as fuel for my sick fantasies. I hate that I still want his attention.

I hate looking at blogs that have romantic shit that says cheesy things like "what I crave for him to do."

I hate it

I no longer look at men with such rose-tinted glasses anymore. I feel empty. I feel repulsed.

I feel nothing at all.