I Don't Feel Like I Exist In Reality If No One Notices Me. But Relying On People's Approval Is Never

⚠️vent⚠️

It sickens me to think of the ways my parents failed me. I was never told I was something or that I could ever be something. I was rarely ever told “I’m proud of you” or “I love you.” Hugs were and have always remained rare. I was never encouraged to try to join sports, other extracurricular activities, or even try again at dancing. I was and still am rarely encouraged. I feel so directionless.

I rarely ever saw doctors. That includes really important ones like optometrist, GP, dentist, like those kinds. I’m talking the last time I went to a dentist I was probably 12. I’m fucking 18. EIGHTEEN! “You didn’t like going.” SO? I was a CHILD, I needed YOU to make sure I was HEALTHY. I feel so dirty and unkempt.

When I got hurt, I was told to just get up and get over it. Why didn’t they hug me and tell me I’d be alright? God forbid I did something they didn’t like. I’d just get my ass beat instead of a conversation. Or, better yet, yelling.

I can’t believe some parents actually have the brain to take their kids to therapy early on. My mom didn’t do that. Even after a life long exposure to an abusive father. It’s all fucked! Life is single-handedly the most fucked thing I’ve ever been forcefully ‘gifted.’ I didn’t ask to be born. I didn’t ask to live this way.

I am constantly seeking validation and love in everyone other than family members or myself. I am ruined. I am a shell of who I could’ve been. No amount of toys, which I had A LOT of, was a replacement for proper parenting. I never feel loved enough.

As happy as I am for people who have good parents, I can’t help but be jealous as well. I’m so jealous your dad teaches you things. I am so jealous your parent(s) put you in therapy. I am so jealous you were motivated to try new things. I am so jealous you are loved the normal way. I am so jealous in a way that doesn’t even make me angry. It just makes me incredibly sad.

I feel more raised by the internet than by my parents. I needed YouTubers to tell me I shouldn’t act like my father. It’s sick.

Throughout my entire life I’ve been starved of affection. And people can SMELL IT. They smell it in the way I talk, the way I walk, and whatever else I do. They know I’m defective.

BPD culture is "I'm not jealous but what do you mean you have other friends??? You're my only friend, that's not fair."

.

no matter how much my life is improving, i still feel empty and alone

Growing up with an absent father is all funny haha daddy issues until it’s one of those rage filled nights of sobbing wondering why he would subject you to this.

having bpd and also being a people pleaser is so weird because i will hate someone when they’re not with me and swear i’ll ignore them, and then 15 minutes later i’ll pick up their call and spend the next five hours with them

Starry Eyed

Watercolor on Black Cotton Paper

2024, 22"x 30"

Myosotis, Forget Me Nots

me when being in a relationship doesn’t make me want to live forever and cure me of my depression

this might not be relatable at all but like. is there any other trans masc who isnt *nearly* as dysphoric without clothes as they are with?

cus like. if i look at myself shirtless its kinda like. yeah obviously i wish i had a flat chest but its like oh well i can deal with this for now.

but when im wearing clothes and you can see my chest with them on???? even if im wearing a binder?? i feel like ripping my hair off and do diy top surgery with the nearest sharp object i can find