(Tw For Ableism And Lack Of Autonomy)

Birth Certificates are just receipts for human beings.

Joy Sullivan, from "Late Bloomer", Instructions for Traveling West

Overload...

One of the best things about college to me is just showing up early to get a good seat away from people and pick where I sit. I love being able to sit away from the flickering bright white lights that loom over the students, yet being able to sit away from windows and distractions that might interfere with my studies. With all these great things soon comes misery though...the seat I pick always ends up having someone trying to sit near me so I have to set my backpack on the chair next to me and sit in the corner if possible. I fear people might think I'm rude, but the noises of others clicking away on computers, talking to their neighbors, smells, and any small noises or motions they make just tend to bother my sensory issues. I have severe sensory issues due to my autism and sensory processing disorder so I go into a meltdown almost every time I show up to class. I love school and learning as it's my special interest and always has been. The ability for me to expand my knowledge in any way possible makes me happy and want to flap my hands around. I just wish people were more considerate and I didn't have to wear headphones just to exist in normal environments. School is great, yet extremely hard and I always miss classes sometimes. I tried online school, but it's hard for me to focus and stay attentive in class. I'd rather sleep through it instead which is a huge issue. I don't know, I just feel as if I need to let out some of my issues and get them off my chest in order to sit through this next class. Sorry if I come off as rude, I don't mean to. I just am struggling so much lately to just exist. I want to curl up in a ball and hide away from society until people acknowledge that those with disabilities can and will be in professional settings too so we need to make things to accommodate them.

Remember to Change Paragraphs When….

•A new character comes along

•A new event happens

•A new idea is introduced

•The setting changes

•A new person is speaking

•Time moves forward or backwards a lot

•The “camera” moves

unfortunately if you are an old friend of mine i will always care about you no matter what even if we haven't seen each other in forever because i still remember what you were like 7 years ago and i still remember how it felt to be young with you and i still have a lot of love for you in the back of my mind

Things I Wish I Knew Going into College

Listen up mother fuckers. Here’s the truth about college. No sugar coating, none of that cutesy shit. Here’s what I wish I knew before I stepped foot on campus.

When people say communal bathrooms aren’t that bad what they actually mean is people will leave their dirty underwear in the showers, used tampons, clean their dishes in the bathroom sink, and leave their explosive diarrhea everywhere. If you really don’t think you need shower shoes, think again.

If you know you are not strong in a particular subject, PLEAAASE seek help. Find a tutor or really good friends that are willing to help you because when you get a D in math because you didn’t seek help even though you knew you fucking sucked at math you’ll regret it because that stupid ass shit tanked your GPA.

You will have professors and TAs (teaching assistants) that give absolutely no fucks about actually teaching. If this ends up being the case, use your resources, learn to teach yourself, Quizlet is your friend.

People might seem so nice in the first week, but I promise you, when welcome week is over and there’s no more free food, they won’t ever look your way again. The ones who stick with you after that, cherish them.

The grind is real. Don’t expect to do the minimum and pass my friend. Because you will fail. I promise you. Sometimes you gotta stay up until 3AM because you’ve got two papers due, a speech to write, and math homework that you didn’t realize was actually due at 11:59pm the previous night. So if you’re going to college just to say you went to college, leave immediately.

With that said, you might realize that college isn’t even for you. And that’s okay. Just remember the thousands of dollars you’ve spent and make your decisions accordingly. But know that college is not the only way to be successful or make money.  There are lots of sugar daddies out there.

You might change your major 2392897 times. It’s honestly whatever. You’ll figure it out and it will be fine.

I know you’ve already heard this one but I swear it’s fucking true. You will not want to drag your dead body out of bed to go to a fucking 8am class. I don’t care if you’re a morning person. Just don’t do it. Trust me. Trust anybody who says this. 

Free stuff is the best stuff.

Sometimes you just need to sit down and have a glass of wine. Or see a therapist. Whichever works for you.

You don’t have to drink or do drugs, but you might feel pressured to. Do whatever you want but make sure you are always safe, smart, and with people you can trust and know will take care of you after you’ve had that 12th drink and can’t even stand up straight.

No one really cares what you wear, how you look or what you do because we’re all too busy trying to figure out how to do 20 hours of homework, 6 hours of studying AND fit in 8 hours of sleep. 

Sometimes lectures are so pointless that you could teach yourself in 30 mins rather than sit for 2 hrs in a lecture. I’m not saying skip lectures, but I am saying that the more time you have, the more sleep you can get.

You’re funny af if you actually think you’re gonna get a full 8hrs of sleep. Try again.

College is your chance to reinvent yourself. Be very careful who you choose to become. Just don’t be that person who corrects the professor or types really fucking loud on their macbook during every fucking lecture.

Listen, you can really do whatever you want to do. You wanna be hoe? Do it. You wanna party Thursday through Saturday? Do it. Weed Wednesday? Go for it. But you sure as hell better show your ass to class and watch that GPA.

Nobody likes a snitch. Mind ya business.

Don’t let anybody make you feel like you do not deserve to be there. Because they will try you and you can still get a ticket for fighting. Except this time you’ll be charged for assault. 

Don’t wear your favorite shoes to a party. Don’t wear open toes shoes to a party. The floors of a frat house or a house party are filthy. Don’t bring a purse, always use the buddy system, watch out for creeps cause they be out there.

Nobody cares who you were in high school, no one wants to know your ACT score or whether you were valedictorian. Shut up. Y’all got into the same damn college. No one cares.

If you’re going to bullshit something, do it well.

Do the readings because when your ass gets called on during discussion because your TA wants to know what you think about Mondrian’s take on contemporary art and you don’t know, you gonna look stupid as hell.

You might have a really cool roommate, or you might have a roommate that has sex with her boyfriend on your bed. There’s no in-between.

Bring A LOT of storage for your dorm.

If you see students napping in weird places, crying in the bathroom, or smoking weed on their dorm roof-top, it be like that sometimes.

Find a really good place to study. DO NOT study in your room because you associate your room with sleep so that’s what you’ll want to do instead of study If you study in your room.

Freshman 15 ain’t real.

SAFE SEX. THESE HOES DIRTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

College sucks sometimes, but put your mental health first. Sometimes you gotta skip class to take care of yourself and that is perfectly okay. You do not have to justify yourself or your decisions to anyone.

Good luck. I hope you survive. But if you don’t, like I said, there are always sugar daddies out there. Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk y’all. 

A lot of pop psychology gets thrown around and since I already have a headache, here's preventing you lot from making it worse.

Love-bombing: A manipulation tactic of increasing affection and grand gestures before or after doing something abusive, specifically to weasel one's way out of consequences.

What it is not: A streak of affection and generosity towards friends/loved ones.

Trauma-bonding: Knowingly traumatizing someone to take advantage of their vulnerable state, to then act like the "hero" or the one who cheers them up.

What it is not: Bonding over similar traumas.

Gaslighting: *Knowingly* convincing someone they cannot trust their own perception of a situation in pursuit of one's own narrative.

What it is not: Misaligned perception of events.

Narcissist: Someone afflicted with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, a traumagenic cluster B disorder, that struggles with self-obsession, paranoia, craving validity from the public, delusions of grandeur, and social disconnection.

It is not: Your rubbish ex that cheated on you.

Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.

-Xanthe

me: i need that copic 72 set

me: i want those winsor and newton watercolours omg

me: holy shit if i don't get those brushes i will-

mind: bitch you draw like shit who are you kidding

SCREAMING INTERNALLY AND EXTERNALLY EXISTENCE IS PAIN

When trying to fall asleep,

NT brain:

Autistic/ADHD brain:

*music you heard an hour ago playing on repeat*,

*leaves one leg out of blanket to regulate temperature*,

"My neighbors are stomping their feet again and I can't sleep until they stop moving",

*events of the day come out in flashback moments*,

*that one tiktok video you saw keeps playing in your head*

*thinks about a hypothetical conversation with therapist*,

"sh*t I forgot to pee again",

"My hands/feet/lips feel very dry so I can't sleep",

"I feel thirsty, but my bladder is already full",

*thinks about events of tomorrow*

"Why isn't my sleep medication working?"

*starts to feel hungry*

*side turn, exchange the leg that was under the blanket*

*starts noticing their tinnitus*,

*wants to absolutely Google something, before I forget*,

*music keeps playing louder and starts vibing on it, until you remember you have to sleep*,

*shushes ownself in an effort to quiet brain down and fails repeatedly*

"Why am I in hell?"