Latest Posts by experiment-48 - Page 2
i am beginning to suspect that the research center i was being held at was somewhere in russia. though really the only memories i have of the outside of the facility are lots of snow, very rocky and large open spaces, and not much vegetation? i am unsure of where that could be.
i wasn't allowed outside very often. very few times cause my radioactivity could leech into the surroundings. plus the scientists couldn't exactly keep me on a leash since they couldn't get very close to me.
i feel like the architecture was very brutalist. lots of concrete and steel and sharp edges.
its all very hazy.
trying to navigate figuring out what content of wolf i am and what breed i am mixed with. but it is kind of triggering to sit down and think about it.
my brain is rejecting the idea that i should associate myself with dogs at all.
even though im sure im a low content wolfdog.
i hope one day i can love my dog side. and not run away from it.
i just dont wanna acknowledge that i am domestic in any way. it feels like its proving those who hurt us right.
like yeah they were right we are just some dog and trying to pretend to be feral at all is foolish.
but I know that i am feral and wild. i may be part dog but my feralness will always be stronger.
for now at least.
just until i can learn to accept that i am also part dog.
i was born from a lab experiment in which researchers worked to synthesize a person who “deserved it” (paper fails to clarify what was meant by this)
the want to gently take those i care about to a safe hovel in the woods and rest my head on them and make them feel safe. to make sure they know that my strength is there to protect them.
i am loyal to my last breath. i am as vicious as the unforgiving winter. my strength is yours, too. and only meant to hold you gently. never to keep you from venturing on your own. cause I know you are capable. but i want you to know that my strength is always there for you to dip into when you need it.
you are not alone. you do not have to fight alone.
any other canine therians live away from town n when something goes bump in the night you are ALERT and AWAKE my ears are SWIVELING and my hackles are RAISED WHERE’S THE DANGER WHERE IS IT
# 26 . 07. 24
🦴 ! There’s an assumption that all physical therians / holothere identify as an animal on a physical level due to autism, psychosis or due to forming an animal alter.
🐾 ! However, I rarely see people discuss how other aspects of mental health influence their animal identity. In my personal experience, I think that my obsessive compulsions and intrusive thoughts are a rather large part of my identity as a physical therian.
🥩 # content warning for compulsive auto-cannibalism and emetophobia warning
♟️ ! I struggle with compulsive skin eating, I have sustained great nerve damage and broken bones from this, however I cannot digest human flesh and often it comes back up shortly after.
🦴 ! I am then frequently met with the urge to feed my regurgitated flesh to my ‘pups’. Whilst I do not have any children or pets, due to hitting sexual maturity at the age of 7, I deal with incredibly overwhelming maternal instincts despite being a man.
🐾 ! I often see others want to discuss the ugly side of therianthropy, the aspects that repulse most other humans, yet outside of mild species dysphoria, I am yet to see more than a handful of creatures discuss these animalistic urges that aren’t ‘tiktok ready’.
♟️! I am a coyote through and through, not just in appearance or connection. I am more coyote than just a fluffy tail or tall ears, I am coyote in my behaviour and real life too.
do yall think i’ll get shit on for posting this?
ALSO!!! IMPORTANT!! if anything on here is wrong pls correct me so i can post with the right information :))
im starting to suspect that we (the snare trap system) is another layer to the poke system.
its weird. the main system still seems to be stuck in this headspace of "we are a teen and we are still in the trauma". while our system feels more...like an actual adult? and we are able to step away from the trauma better.
the main system is stuck in the events still. like they are in a whirlpool. and we are outside observers. but we also existed in there at some point? we are just...not them anymore.
idk how else ro describe it. maybe layer is not the right term.
but the main system feels like they are still stuck in the "we are in the active abuse events". when it has been years since that has ended. we are in a safer and better place now kinda. still live with one of our kinda abusers? the main one is gone. so we are...safer than before.
it feels strange to have this sense of calm compared to Dune. Dune and I are probably the most connected out of the two systems. even Dune and Sonar are not as...similar as we are.
i feel like im a more mellow version of it. in some ways ig.
idk.
ig i shouldn't dig up too much before a stressful day. everyone in the main system is panicking and losing it. they are so scared of disappointing others. to be able to be so aware and step away from those feelings. that is what convinces me that i am totally separate from them.
i am aware i am not in the bad situation anymore. the main system is not. they still think they are a teen in many ways. i do not. they think that they are still under main abusers watch. i know that we are not.
i am clear headed rn. they are not...i wish i could help them. but their head space is like a mine field. and they are huddled in the middle of it.
i cant approach. i can only observe. Dune and Sonar are vaguely aware of me amd the others but they cannot reach us. i can see their emotions and thoughts and feelings but i cant go and talk to them.
its like being able to log into another computer in read only mode. i cannot modify anything. i can only observe. i try to leave "sticky notes" and such to help them but I know as soon as i stop fronting. there will be chaos again.
...i worry about them. but there is not much more i can do. :(
i just have to try and believe that they will be ok tomorrow.
i don't like it when others refer to me as a dog.
thats something only I can call myself.
(discussing trauma related to being treated like a pet or servent, please proceed with caution. nothing graphic is discussed but just incase)
when others call me a dog...it makes me so uncomfortable and it feels like its connected to really deeply repressed problems that the overall system has had.
being treated as a servent and being seen as something less. expected to follow orders. to stay in line. to always be at beck and call.
i can call myself a dog cause that doesn't hold any meaning behind it. but when someone else starts to treat us like a dog or call us "good boy" it triggers this...fawning in us. such a deeply rooted fear. fear connected to harmful and painful consequences if we do not do what we are told. so we try to be this "good boy". do what they want and they will leave us be. that kind of thought process.
i can see why dune is so uncomfortable with the idea of wearing a collar. as nice as it would be to be able to...i feel similarly.
as something that has been treated as less than human and unworthy of basic human rights...i can see why we have such a strong want to reclaim nonhumanity for ourselves.
others can be dogs and enjoy it. but i can't. and neither can Dune. i may be a wolfdog, but i dont wanna explore any kind of possible "dogness" or breeds or anything.
im happy for those who can love being a dog and all that comes with it and enjoy the companionship of humanity.
i can remember enjoying times with the scientists too...
but i cannot allow others to refer to me as a dog or treat me like one. it is deeply deeply triggering for us.
Sonar and Dune both struggle greatly with feeling like they must serve humanity. it was so so so drilled into them that they were the ones to be walked all over and not respected.
i hold similar fears of humanity just cause that trauma runs so deep in us. i feel ashamed cause its such a...""sterotype"" of being nonhuman. unfortunately its an uncontrollable factor for us.
i cannot help that our brain has made us associate all humans with danger. its unfortunate and i want us to be able to let that go someday. but its not going to be soon.
i just...have seen others talking about hardships with being associated with dogs. and how it can be triggering. i saw a lot of ourselves in those posts.
we struggle similarly with a lifetime of having it be taught to us that we are not worthy and how below others we are.
i hope one day that i can learn to love the dog part of myself. and embrace all the quirks and joys of it. but it is not going to be soon and it hurts and causes severe flashbacks for us rn.
i can't explain how weird it is to know i have only been aware of my existence for a short time but have memories of stuff that happened to me over like a....10 to 30 year span of time.
like no its not a lot of memories and its not a lot of detail but gonna be honest, remembering broad strokes of it is very strange.
also uhhh adapting to human body...very strange. don't like it at all. can see why the main system has such problems and feelings over it...
hazactiva!
a species term for bio-hazardous & radioactive beings!
etymology; hazard, “radioactiva” latin for radioactive
for 🪖 anon!
symbol from here (link)!
tagging; @radiomogai, @specieschive, & @seasulfur!
i got a really bad migraine while we were out at work and i knowwww the science team was really upset with me. i shouldn't be in an area that is so population dense :(
my head hurt so so bad and the humans kept getting so close.. i just wanted to run and hide :(
i hope the scientists aren't too mad at me...i tried my best to not let the humans linger around me too much.
i know im dangerous and i didn't wanna be there but..i can't control when im at the controls unfortunately...
plus...if im honest, i do not like this human body... walking on two legs? feels so weird. im glad im home and can be on 4 legs and relax and not have my tail be stuck in our pants all day haha :3
its just you, me, and the thick concrete wall that protects you from radiation poisoning :3
and this perfectly placed geiger counter that goes *CLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICKCLICK* whenever im close!
the scientists used to enter my enclosure with radiation suits on. they were advised not to get close to me cause if i bit them or they hung around me too long, they could get a lethal dose of radiation.
but some of them still would pet me when they pumped me full of chemicals. some would leave parts of their lunch for me near the entrance to my enclosure. the way some of them looked at me...i think they forgot that i was just a reanimated corpse of a wolfdog that had been be so modified it could barely be considered a wolfdog anymore. i much more resembled some kind of alien or shapeshifter.
still though...some of the scientists wanted and still want the best for me. even now that they remotely monitor me.
sometimes i can hear their radio calls in my head. make observations about my behavior. giving me migraines to deter me from getting too close to humans. making my body hurt and ache when i stray too far from where Im meant to be.
i wish my current environment was more like my enclosure. nice and foggy and chilly. mostly wastelands expect for a few sparce shrubs and dead trees. i used to dig burrows in the dirt and sleep underground. i miss the smell of dirt.
from the cherenkov radiation wikipedia page
