I Can’t Sleep

Making it count

Last week I was at a classmates funeral. Everything about it seemed wrong. She just turned 18 three weeks ago, therefore being way too young to leave this world and as I stood at her open grave, looking down at the bright wooden coffin her dainty body was in, imagining her just sleeping inside, I felt like I’m living my life the wrong way.

In that moment everything seemed so important to me. Because standing there, watching her older sister break down in tears, filled my heart with so much fear of not only dying but losing people I love before I had the chance to tell them everything I wanted them to know and spending as much time together as possible.

In that moment I wanted to call both my parents and tell them I loved them.

I wanted to wrap my arms around every single one of my friends and thank them for the best memories ever.

I wanted to tell my favourite teachers how much they inspired me and helped to create a new version, a better one, of me throughout the past years.

I wanted to make sure my brother knew that he has always been my favourite person on this planet no matter how hard we had fought in the past.

I wanted to show up at this particular boy’s door and just kiss him and thank him for slowly putting back all the pieces of my broken heart another one had left me alone with.

I wanted to be fearless. To be brave enough to just do whatever I felt like. To stop caring about what others might think of me and do whatever my heart desired.

I wanted to make every single minute of my life count, because I realized how fast everything might fall apart.

RIP Leo,

forever loved.

I wish I were Heather

I wish I were Heather. That’s not her name but now everyone knows what I mean since Conan Gray explained it to us.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is one of the prettiest human beings I’ve ever seen and not because she is just as nice as an angel and vibes positivity, but because someone told me how you are feeling about her.

“He’s in love with her.” I guess that sentence will reverberate in my mind for quite some time. I still remember feeling the sadness crawling up my throat and stopping me from breathing. Gasping as the pain slowly sunk into my bones. That’s where it’s still sitting right now.

I wish I were her. Not only because she is closer to your age and she has already been friends with the people you hang out with before they even knew me and not because she lives closer to town so you somehow always end up at hers whenever you don’t have a ride home, but because I feel you drifting away from me while you seem to be getting closer to her.

I know you love me. Your brother basically tried to tattoo that onto my forehead because he knows how much I doubt it sometimes and how easy it is for me to put myself down. But I don’t think you know it.

What you know is that your sisters love me. The little one begging the older one to convince you to marry me one day and the older one telling me, smiling and nodding her head, that she can see it as well and she is praying that you won’t fuck it up. You know that.

You know that your brother loves me. Not as much as your ex, but “super fucking close” as he always says. I get it, he’s best friends with her so I totally get it. And I am thankful for your brother because he is the mental support I need whenever I feel stuck with our situation. He’ll tell me you love me, he’ll tell me your family loves me and he’ll tell me that he loves me most. Because he likes the you that you are when I’m around and he thanks me for making you happy again after such a dark time in your life.

And as much as they tell me that you love me I still wish I were her. Because as much as I loved seeing how happy you are with me, the more it breaks my heart to see how your eyes sparkle around her.

I loved building you up and I loved how you helped me to build up myself again, but I guess it’s her turn now. She gets what I built.

That’s why I wish I were her.

...

...

And to add something that fits with Conan Grays song a little bit more: I once took your sweater when you gave me your keys to go get the wine and when I came back and you saw me in your sweater, you said I looked like the smallest bean you’ve ever seen and threw me over your shoulder. We laughed. We were happy...You never gave her your sweater, the one you left me was cotton, not polyester. I still wish I were Heather.

Last Thursday

„I‘m lonely, you know.“ I slowly sank back into the grass and looked up into the sky, filled with stars shining down at us. - „I don’t see the problem, honey. Just go up to him and tell him how you feel. To be honest I‘ve experienced that I’ve never really noticed someone in that way until they came up to me and I realized that they’d be a perfect match.” - “But you’re different, people wanna be noticed by you.” - “Honey, you’re worth so much more than you think. I swear this guy over there is the luckiest man alive, and the only problem is-“ - “The only problem is that he doesn’t know yet.”

Your love hurts

I don’t know what it is about you

That makes you sabotage it every single time

Ripping craters into earth

Opening gates to what might be called hell

Standing on the edge, balanced

Grabbing my hand

Jumping

Clamped together

I never wanted to fall

Life on the edge was great

But again and again

You need us to hurt

So here we are

Falling

and falling

and falling

and falling

~ honestlywhatfor ~

I still peak out the window whenever a car stops in front of our house

Hoping it’s you,

Knowing it’s not.

I’m still learning to get over you,

Because life has more in store for me than waiting for your apology.

~ excerpts of me moving on ~

Our story could fill a whole trilogy. But I’d never write it down because some things need to be left unsaid. Now gathering dust in the shelves our lives are made of.

The story continues to be written but I miss you

About loving you

Yes

I feel stranded

on a lonely island in the middle of nowhere

nothing but the tide

that keeps me alive

day after day

wave after wave

Yes

I feel lost

in space where darkness is everything

stars flying by gifting me wishes

that may never come true

knowing my only wish

will forever be you

Yes

I feel overlooked

in the middle of a field, branches twelve feet high

beetles crawling side by side

fearing getting crushed by them

missing the safety

of your arms around me

Yes

I feel love

wherever I am, no matter the time

it’s stroking my side

there’s no place to hide

it’s my true love for you

I just wish that you knew

Yes

I really do

~honestlywhatfor

“Your mental health should be a priority”

A process I’m still stuck in

Missing you makes me feel weak

You shouldn’t miss someone who broke you

Someone who took advantage of your kindness

Someone who made you feel worthless, still does

Someone who treats you like an option

Someone who does not care if they hurt you

Someone who never thinks twice

Someone like you

But I still do

Learning to be alone again is a process I’m still stuck in

But deep down I know

Missing you is better than being mistreated by you

So fuck missing someone like you

~ excerpts of me moving on ~