Latest Posts by mackerel22 - Page 4

Chuuya: Are you ready to commit?

Dazai: Like, a crime, a suicide or a relationship?

Chuuya: We all have our demons.

Chuuya: *grabs Dazai*

Chuuya: This is mine.

Odasaku, to Dazai, about Chuuya: What is a rival if not a crush you're mad about having?

Dazai: Why do you seem to be so nervous around me lately?

Chuuya: I- it's just... I don't know. I guess I don't wanna say something wrong?

Dazai: Babe, I have a praise and a degradation kink. So whatever you say, it will somehow work for me.

Dazai: Chuuya and I don't use pet names.

Odasaku: I see. Hey, what do bees make?

Dazai: Honey.

*silence*

Dazai: Ha, you thought, bitch.

Chuuya, yelling from another room: What do you want, whore?

Mori: So are any of you NOT in love with Dazai?

Kunikida:

Ranpo:

Fyodor:

Sigma:

Odasaku, rising from the dead:

Chuuya: *raises hand*

Mori: PUT YOUR FUCKIN HAND DOWN CHUUYA!

Dazai: I don't know what I feel about chibi.

Natsume, in his cat form: You fucking spend all day and night thinking of ways to annoy him, you call him with pet names, he's your partner in crime, you trust him to save you every fucking time you're in death's door, he's the reason you don't wanna die anymore and you don't know how you feel? Please, for fuck sake, you love him.

Dazai:

Natsume: I mean— meaw.

Dazai: FUCK THIS, FUCK LIFE. ALL I WANTED WAS TO BE HAPPY. I'M NOT ASKING MUCH. HAPPINESS IS GONE FOREVER. IT FLEW OUT THE WINDOW. FROM NOW ON, MY EMO PHASE COMES BACK...

Atsushi: Oh, Dazai, are you ok?

Ranpo: No. He didn't get eras tour tickets.

Chuuya, pointing to his leather pants on the bed: Which one of these bottoms would look the best on me?

Kouyou: Well considering none of them are Dazai I would say none.

Chuuya:

Kouyou:

Chuuya, turning all red: The literal fuck?

Dazai, stumbling in through the window of Chuuya's room with a broken red rose in his mouth:

Chuuya, startled: What the fuck are you doing?

Dazai, falling on the floor: I’m trying to be romantic, shut up.

Dazai, yelling: KUNIKIDA HAVE YOU SEEN MY TOP?!

Kunikida: Chuuya's in the office.

Dazai: Ok thanks :).

Chuuya, from the office: THE FUCK?!

*the agency reorganizes and cleans the office cause it is a total mess*

Kunikida: We need a more efficient method. What about the Norwegian system Munkensmat?

The ada: ???

Kunikida: In Munkensmat, you get rid of all personal possessions except one.

Dazai: Ok I'll go first. It's between my antidepressants and this fidget spinner.

Dazai: *throws in the can his meds*

Dazai: I think I made the right call.

Fyodor: I don't know how to tell you this but you're in love with me.

Nikolai:

Nikolai: What?

Nikolai: OMG, I am.

Sigma: ???

Dazai: What kind of a confession did I witness?

Chuuya: Hey...uh...mackerel...I have something to tell you.

Dazai: Hmm? Yes?

Chuuya: I like guys.

Dazai: *gasps* I knew it!!!

Dazai: So who's the lucky man?

Chuuya: He works in the ada, he used to be in the port mafia, an ability user, funny, good with coming up with plans...and well he can be a big fucking idiot sometimes.

Dazai: Oh- he sounds kinda lame...

Chuuya:

Chuuya: Did I mention idiot?

Atsushi: So is this thing between Dazai and Chuuya supposed to be a secret?

Akutagawa: Hardly, the only people who don’t know are Dazai and Chuuya.

Atsushi: How do you guys handle a break up?

Akutagawa: I try to get them back.

Chuuya: Alcohol and making out with 5 people in one night.

Dazai: I listen to Taylor Swift and stare into the void.

Dazai: You're wearing make-up???

Chuuya: Oh, it's just eyeliner. Do you like it?

Dazai:

Dazai: No it looks stupid...

*some moments later*

Dazai, sobbing into Odasaku's shoulder: It looked so good!!!

Odasaku: I know.

Dazai: I'm so gay...

Odasaku: *sighs* I know...

Chuuya: I hate you!

Dazai's head: Enemies to lovers, slowburn, angst with happy ending, 300k+ words...

Chuuya: I had no idea you were so willing to die for me.

Dazai: Trust me I can hardly believe it myself.

Dazai: When you see him, please don’t freak out ok?

Kunikida: I’m not going to freak out. Who ever you’re dating I’ll always be accepting of them. Even if they were working in the port mafia...

Dazai: Alright, you can come in!

*Chuuya walks in*

Kunikida: Mr. Nakahara, please get out of the way. I’m trying to see who is Dazai dating!

Chuuya, waisted, through the phone: It gets lonely here. And you know what happens when I'm lonely mackerel?

Dazai:

Chuuya: When I'm lonely I become hungry and when I become hungry I want to choke on that *beep* of yours, *beep* close, then lick all of your *beep* before taking out your *beep* and *beep* with more teeth *beep* until you're screaming *extended beep* like a fucking baby-

Dazai, traumatized: *ends the call, breaks his phone in two, punches the broken phone with a big book multiple times, makes a milkshake with the million little pieces of what remained from the phone and then gives it to Atsushi to drink it*

Akutagawa: Mr. Dazai, truth or dare?

Dazai: Dare.

Chuuya: Why do you always choose dare?

Atsushi: Because he’s too scared to face the truth.

Chuuya: And what’s the truth?

Atsushi: That he’s waiting for someone to dare him to make out with you.

Chuuya: Am I the literal only gay man who likes cars?

Dazai, a dumbass: Idk why more gay people wouldn’t. Mater and Lightning’s relationship is pretty homoerotic???

Chuuya, stupefied:

Dazai:

Chuuya:

Dazai: Wait, fuck, did you mean like actual real cars?

Mori: What do you do when someone offers you drugs?

Dazai: Take them!

Chuuya: Punch them in the neck!

Tachihara: Say thank you!

Akutagawa: Offer them more drugs to assert dominance!

Mori:

Mori: No.

Dazai: Kissing can burn 26 calories per minute, wanna work out with me?

Chuuya, offended: Are you calling me fat???

Dazai: Chuuya is mad at me and I don’t even know why.

Odasaku: Were you talking before he got mad?

Dazai: Yeah.

Odasaku: That’s probably why.

*playing twister*

Dazai: okay, Akutagawa, right hand red.

Akutagawa: *ends up on top of Atsushi*

Atsushi: wait— Dazai, you're doing this on purpose, aren't you?

Dazai: I stopped spinning about 10 turns ago, I'm surprised you didn't notice sooner.

Dazai: Would you slap your crush's face for 2 million dollars?

Chuuya: I would roundhouse kick you in the face for free.

Dazai: Savag-

Dazai: Wait...

Dazai: WAIT-

Chuuya, panicking: fgqhcwgnaklud-