I’ve Always Been A Bit Of A Kleptomaniac, But To This Day I’ve Never Taken Anything That Made Any

This. This is the level of sarcastic arrogance I strive to achieve; where even my weapons are snarky, contemptuous bitches

hey so being autistic is a defining part of my personality and identity. most of the good and interesting things in my life stem from that. and most of my friends are autistic or neurodivergent, and are my friends because we’re neurodivergent and have cool things in common. I like myself, and my life, and the people in it, and i’m getting damned tired of seeing our mental divergences portrayed as innately negative and scary. being autistic means we face unique challenges and deserve respectful accommodations, full stop. Our lives are full and very much worth living, thanks

concept: Faebook 

This reminds me of the time my old roommate asked me to cut an apple for the dish he was making and the absolute, utter disappointment in his eyes when he looked over and saw me cutting it with a fillet knife.

He did most of the cooking after that because apparently I “couldn’t be trusted with basic tasks” or whatever.

There are many aspects of male culture that I wasn’t expecting once I started passing, but one of the ones that confused me the most was how many guys wanted to shake my hand??? Like, this is not a job interview my guy, we are in a d&d store??

Prosecution: Your honor, the defendant has been scamming people into buying fake “immortality elixirs” for years!

Defense: Objection! Your honor, the defense requests the prosecution specify exactly how many years?

Prosecution: Gladly, your honor. As you can see from the arrest records submitted into evidence, the defendant has had the audacity to continue committing this felony for 148 years!

Judge: I’m sorry, did I hear that correctly? The defendant has been selling immortality elixirs for 148 years?!

Prosecution: Yes, your honor, the earliest documented arrest was in 1886.

Judge: It’s 2014.

Prosecution: Yes, your honor.

Judge: And you don’t see anything weird about that? Anything at all?

Defense: In light of this stupidity, the defense demands the immediate release of my client followed by a drop of all charges and would like to file a lawsuit against the arresting officer for slander.

Judge: Yes. Right. Bailiff, please release the defendant. Oh, and bring me any of the elixirs taken into evidence.

My brain, having a meltdown like a toddler: everything is bad and awful and I absolutely refuse to function in these working conditions *dumps a shitload of adrenaline into the nervous system*

Me, sighing heavily and holding up lorazepam: would ya do it for a Scooby snack?

My family is the weirdest combination of rich white people and crazy-ass redneck

Like,

Our fridge has a designated beer drawer filled exclusively with cans of Bud light, but our silverware is organized by use, with the soup spoons separate from the regular spoons, the dinner forks separated from the desert forks, and the butter knives separated from the cheese knives, and each is used as such

Our welcome mat says “trespassers will be shot, survivors will be shot again” and then you walk into the house and immediately see an ornate china cabinet filled with polished silver china, directly to the left of which you will see a machete hanging from a rope on the wall

Upstairs you will find a TV sitting on top of a broken TV, using it as a stand, and if you walk farther down the hallway you will come across a full liquor bar, filled with respectable alcoholic beverages such as cognac, surrounded by pictures of women in the traditional “skimpy German Bar Wench” outfits, then directly opposite this is a random weight bench and various scattered exercise equipment on the floor, because there was space for it I guess

I was not expecting quite so many people to reblog this with a shout out to their own personal brand of anti-anxiety medication, but I guess its nice to know a lot of us are just out here tricking our brains into doing basic tasks, cartoon character high-jink style

My brain, having a meltdown like a toddler: everything is bad and awful and I absolutely refuse to function in these working conditions *dumps a shitload of adrenaline into the nervous system*

Me, sighing heavily and holding up lorazepam: would ya do it for a Scooby snack?

You have no idea how hard my dumb ass would slam into this sign