My Dearest L...

My Dearest L...

I woke up today thinking that it was going to be a good day, time passes so slowly when you are in your room blocked away from the outside world for so long. I haven't gone to work in about a month and a half not that I don't want want to go back, I just don't think I can without her help. cleaning room's alone just won't be the same without her help, she's been in the hospital just as long as I've been out of work. she seems to be getting better but I think she's just hiding the truth from me bec she doesn't think I can handle it and the truth is I probably can't handle it. I miss her so much... I just want her to come home and be with me and my sister again like things used to be but nothing will be the same now. the scary part is that I might only have about 5 years left with her till her sickness takes her from us all... I try to think about it, it's not worth the stress to live in it. I try to just live as much as I can with her while we still have her. time is not something she has much of but the time we spend together. why does he have to take her so soon from us??!!??

MY DEAREST L…

I sit here today with a smoke in my hand and some unfortunate news I skipped work the other day not bec I wanted to, well that's I lie, I did want to not go that day but the thing is I hit up crazy girl. you know that series I was going to start but never got around to it, well I hit her up and went out to drink with her that night and I wasn't expecting to buy a bag but I did and things went south for me really fast it wasn't good shit and I wasn't feeling well at all, all night I just didn't want to be bothered and I was at the bar I wanted out of here. I honestly feel so bad with myself for doing that shit again. I just don't. want to go to that stupid job I'm at and drinking and lines are not taking me down the right path there making me feel like there is no meaning to life but when I do them I feel happier than when I'm sober. I've decided to take a break from the drugs and the alcohol for i bit to gather my mind. I've come to the realization that it's not the things I'm doing that's putting me down it's the job I'm at and the people I'm around that's doing it, I need to start actually living I'm 22 now and I still live at home while others are put there living there lives I just want to move on from this time in my life and actually start my own and being stuck in this house and town is starting to eat me alive. I can't take it anymore I can breathe, I have no space but leaving my mom behind is so hard for me I feel like I can't be we're so close together. like what is she going to do once I'm not here with her anymore? what is she supposed to spend her day doing when all she's done since I was born is be with me? I just don't know what to do anymore.

if anymore has any feedback or opinion please shear them I'd love to hear what you'd have to say!

My Dearest L...

The past few days have not felt real to me I've been feeling as if my world around me is nothing but a dream-like nothing is what it seems, I've been sticking into a dark place again but I seem to be slowly crawling out of my hole. I'm starting to snap back to reality, I started watching downtown abbey it seems to be trading right now so I thought I'd give it a try idk how I really feel about it yet, I'll have an updated post about it but for now, I'll just use it to distract myself from the world around me bec if I don't have anything to keep my mind busy that's when I start to over think and things tend to become bad for me. My OCD seems to be getting worse I'm starting to count things now like I have to run my fingers throw my curtains 4-6 times before I open or close the door or after I wash my hands I have to flick the water off my hands 4-6 times before I dry them.

The rain, it falls as if it's lifeless. So beautiful, so soft, so loved...

言の葉の庭 / The Garden Of Words  dir. Makoto Shinkai

My Dearest L...

Well it's 6:21am and I'm still up... ever feel as if you're just wasting your life away? like your waiting for that one person to just come into your life that will make it something again, get you off your bed, make you feel something again... I wonder where that person is for me sometimes... I sit in my room day after day sleeping my whole day away never seeing sunlight very much anymore only the very few seconds I get when I pop my sleeping in the morning the sun jumps through my window crack. other than that I just don't see it, I try to think that maybe I'll actually get up and do something beautiful with my life but honestly I just don't have the energy for that stuff right now. all my friends moved away or just didn't talk to me anymore. I only have the ones on my phone but who wants to stare at a screen all the time you know. I forgot how to even make friends like how do I put effort to put myself out there when none wants to even get to know me? I just don't really attract people I guess... anyway I'm off to bed now. see ya on the flipside!!!

My Dearest L...

well, I don't really know how this is going to go, I'm going to see the broken girl today maybe later on I haven't seen her since the night I when to her boyfriend's house and almost got covid >-< and the last time I saw her mom was when she throw my parents out of her house bec I was influencing her kid to drink more when in reality she was the one asking me to drink every weekend... now her mom wants to meet up for tea after that shit like really.

Dear, Elisa Lam...

I have watched and read your story over and over again and I am yet to believe that you did this to yourself, there is no way they can make it sound like you have done this to yourself. There were so many people in that hotel that could have done this to you. and the fact that none helped you in the hotel while you were in your bipolar ep. Makes me so angry, what did they say again when they said you were screaming in the lobby, oh yes that’s right! they said, “It’s just another day at the Cecil hotel”...

May you rest in peace now Elisa Lam....🖤⛓️