Tw: Suicidal Idealation, Sh, Sui

new treatment idea !! euthenize me

It's painful when your presence is merely tolerated, not cherished.

Where do i go if nowhere and no-one feels like home anymore

I love my scars

"erm that leaves scars" Thats the best part

Knowing I’ll never have healthy, sweet, happy, long lasting love with someone is so painful.

I’m not worth it and you’ll figure it out.

You’ll realise it when I split, when I become distant and difficult, when I say I’m done then cry until I can’t breathe because you’ve actually left.

You’ll leave me for someone ‘normal’, someone easier to love and care for. Someone easier to be around. Not someone perfect, such a thing doesn’t exist, but someone that isn’t too far gone.

I’ll be too much and not enough for you in all the worst ways and I hate it. I hate that I can’t be loved. Worst of all I hate you for it and I don’t even know you yet.

what you don’t realize is that if i get “embarrassed,” my first thought is “kill yourself.” i’m not like.. “oh haha silly me my mistake..” NOPE.. my initial reaction is “i deserve to rot in hell.”

Does anyone else feel lonesome?

Not lonely. Not alone. Just... lonesome. Like you don't feel connected to anyone. Like you never feel that you will find anyone that understands you, that will see you truly, let alone someone who will even like you. You see friends everywhere, but you don't see yourself in their place, like that is not for you, like you're not made for that and that's not made for you. You see people having fun and laughing and dancing and getting drunk and falling in love and you just... don't feel that for yourself. Like you're not supposed to have that, like you can't because it's not for you and you're not for it.

Like you're supposed to be seeing all these beautiful things in the world but not experience them yourself. Like you want to experience so much, experience everything, but be overwhelmed by it so you don't do any of it.

Like you want to be everywhere and do everything, but you don't belong anywhere and can't do anything. Like you're not supposed to be here. Not in a self-deprecating way but in an incongruous way. You want to live you want to be alive, but you feel you're not supposed to be. Not here at least, not like this. Just a presence in the world, not an active member of it. Even your body doesn't feel like home, your face isn't a face you recognise, like you're not supposed to have either. Like you're just supposed to be.

Like you're supposed to observe, but not experience.

I hate getting close to people.

The more attached I am, the more unstable I become.

But... I can't handle being alone either.

It's agony no matter what I do.

life with bpd is always trying to fill a huge hole in your chest. you spend your life looking for a cure that doesn't really exist

Just saying