Maybe I Deserved Better But I Wanted You.

Thanks for hanging out with me! Was I cool? did you like me? What do you think of me in detail? Do you hate me?

this is going to come off as obnoxious to the people who won’t understand where im coming from but im sure all the qties with BPD on here will relate at least to some degree 😵‍💫

i hate when i say “i hate myself” and people around me automatically turn to say “well (reason) so you shouldnt” spoiler alert but i know !!!!!!! i know that i shouldn’t but its so hard when you feel NOTHING on a daily basis. best day of your life? the good feelings last a solid 17 minutes. worst day of your life? you’ll feel like jumping off the nearest cliff or jumping in front of a passing car and feeling like you’re in the worst distress youve ever been but one nap later, youre back to feeling that pit inside while not even being able to fully remember what exactly had you so upset.

i hate that and i hate myself for it. does that mean i don’t care about myself? no. i still go grab a jacket when im cold. i still care whether im being put in a harmful situation or not. i still care about myself enough to not be putting myself in harms way 24/7. i just dont have the emotional permanece to love myself when there’s a void actively sucking and draining the emotions from me. its so frustrating when the people around you are like “just love yourself 😍” like girl don’t you think ive tried? i dont say “i hate myself” for pity or sympathy (no shame if you do tho) but as a cry of frustration.

it’s like watching a bridge about to collapse and trying to scream that no one should cross it but being unable to get the message across. i *know* there’s reasons why i shouldn’t hate myself but they just never feel good enough for the void. i hate being told how to feel when ive tried everything to change but i know it’s useless

I’ve been stuck third wheeling for so long it’s starting to trigger me. No i don’t want or need a man but why is no one showing interest in me!

never being anyone’s best friend or the most important person in anyone’s life, ever, can really fuck you up emotionally

I am a masterpiece of contradictions: too much and not enough, fragile and fierce, desperate for love but terrified of it

The reason I love the found family trope is probably because I only have like two friends (not exaggerating) and I crave a closeness that I just don’t have in my life

I have no one who knows me intimately and loves me unconditionally and that fact is slowly crushing me to death