This Will Probably Cause Some Hate, But:

people need to understand that once you go through your worst time alone, you really don’t care who stays in your life anymore.

If you are with me, only me, giving me all your attention, its like a sun in my head.

The shadows disappear. You make them disappear easily. You are my sun. I would do everything for you. I mirror you to be perfect for you.

But the sun is hot as fire and fire burns everything down.

If you go, the sun goes. The shadows are back, worser. Because you aren't there.

And suddenly i am alone. You hate me. You will leave me. You play with me. You will replace me.

Then you text me a simple "Hey, can you help me later?"

And even though the shadows stay, i feel useful. I look forward to help you.

But then there are other people to help you too. And i am useless again. Replaceable.

But I help you. My body hurts and feels heavy, but I am here to help you.

And once you don't need my help anymore, once i get into the safe place of my own four walls, i collapse. It hurts, really much.

Is that what dying feels like? Its probably more peaceful.

The flames that 'save' me are also the flames that easily 'kill' me. I wonder if my shadows ever hurt you?

No split was ever strong enough to break my attachment to you. You say "come here" and i run. Because i have a task. I am useful.

I don't love you romantically. You are like a older sibling.

I am sorry. I know I am unhealthy obsessive. Also i don't know how to stop it. I just try & fight to keep the chaos inside of me.

You are my favorite person.

I hate you, but my love for you will always return. Even if i kill you in the back of my mind, one single nice word of yours revives you.

My inner child can sleep trough the whole night if i am at your place.

You showed me how to live.

You will always be the most Important person for me. Even if you do replace me one day. As long as I live, i am here for you.

I mean it. With two broken legs i would get up for you. Only you.

We love the feeling of permanent panicattacks

They will never understand the sadness that you can physically feel in your chest

Sometimes wonder how things will be if I manage to do it until I am like, 70.

Like, i would probably be a hated, grumpy old women and would still have bpd. Like.

It really does never leave.

Hm, i don't want to get that old anyway but its kinda weird to think about that, also I am pretty sure the old days would be extremely hard to deal with, constantly reminding how your body is to old to do the things you loved to do.

"mental health matters!" until your screaming and crying in the early hours of the morning over losing something as miniscule as your phone charger. but the reason your crying isn't actually about the charger, or your favorite pen you can't find.

little things add up.

TRIGGERWARNING. detailed Borderline Episodes.

Imagine you have a good day, you feel euphoric, no one can hurt you. Why are you in therapy again? Your life isn't that bad, its fun, right?

Snap

Oh. You don't feel anymore? Hm, same old numbness. What now? What should you do? Its stressing you out at some point? Why can't you feel anymore? You do want help, want to reach out.

Snap

No. You don't need anyone. Who cares anyway? They will leave. Everyone does. You don't need anyone, you have yourself. Fuck people.

Snap

Why do you start to cry? You probably don't know. Then everything crashed down, and you end up scream crying. Why is there nobody to help? Why you? Why can't you feel normal? Everything hurts. Your body hurts physically. Headache, dizziness, stomach pain, chest pain. You feel like you explode. Your skin feels like burning.

Maybe you get self-destructive. But it doesn't hurt. Everything else does.

Snap

You hate anyone. You truly do. You hate them, you hate yourself, you yell and hit walls and start to cry only to laugh in the next moment. Why? Why? Why? It repeats in your head. Selfhate, words of others, it doesn't stop. It never stops.

Repeat.

Every day.

Borderline is a serious mental illness. It causes death. It causes pain. Much more pain individual's without Borderline CAN'T imagine.

Oh fuck, and I am sick of it.

I know, and you know it too. There is just that fat ass hill we need to climb up, to get actually better. But where is the path? Does it really exist? How? How do we get there? How long can we stay up there? Will someone push us down again?

Episodes

First of all, English isn´t my first language. Secondly, please be aware that every Borderline Personality Feels different. Lastly, Triggerwarning! i am not sure how this affects others.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ "I can handle your Episodes!" They say,

Until they experience the first Depression episode, realising that i may accept their hugs but won´t feel better. Perhaps trying to say nice words, unfortunately triggering a Rage Episode.

They realise, that they actually can´t really help and that (surprise surprise) Episodes do change the Personality. Until they experience the first splitting episode, realising that i won´t insult them or hurt them physically. They will feel like i hate them, because with this episode having the upperhand, i do.

until they realise that i am not the girl they started to like anymore, perhaps i don´t even know myself who i am at some points. And if i get back to the person they got to know first, back in the infinite emptyness i found comfort in and have my own mind back, feeling guilty and sorry. Are they able to handle it? every single day?

because i can´t. i am trying to help myself, get therapy, taking meds. i don´t want them to suffer because of me, i am scared of getting emotionally attached again. scared to loose them before i even got them.

But i don´t judge them for leaving again neither, because i am aware of how rough it can get. Yet i can´t change it, everything getting numb with a new episode. My own head yelling at me, insulting me on the worst way possible.

How could they understand without having it themselves? the feeling of fire inside of you, the pressure, the pain, the helplessness, the anxiety, the overwhelming emotion rolling over your body, daring to crush you.

so much the touch of others scares you to death, scared they would let you explode, their voices blurred and seemingly only there to judge even if they aren´t.

Its just to much.

Do they still think they can handle my episodes? even if, do they truly want to?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Maybe, just maybe we all can figure our way out of hell alive some day. Find a person who can handle any of our personalitys, without letting it crush themselve. Don´t give up. Thanks for reading, have a nice day <;3

Romantic homicide- d4vd

Exactly what's happening during a split.

my range of emotions go from “it’s scary how much i feel” to “it’s scary how much i don’t feel”

Sadness & disappointment turns into anger & frustration.

My body throbbs, the tension feeling like a millions stabs with a needle; I can't breath and the air burns in my lungs instead of letting me take a breath.

I yell, i cry, i try to get rid of it by hitting random objects.

I don't feel the pain i should feel from the hit.

I feel how I get dizzy, my ears ring, my skin tingles and my body feels as if its not my own, i want to get myself out of it.

It goes on until i get numb, tears continuing to silently roll down my cheeks.

I realise that i yelled at people, i apologise, i feel guilty and ashamed.

I plan my death, until I realise they aren't mad. It was a misunderstanding.

All caused by some dumb rumors.

Why can't i just stay calm until i know the truth?